skinny girl in a fat body

amother

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 7:48 pm

Once upon a time I use to be thin. Then I got married, had babies and made poor eating choices. I walk around and I fell thin and fit. I feel beautiful and confident.

Till I look at that mirror with 80lbs of FAT hanging from my petite 5"1 frame, I am the epitomy of theword blob.
I almost have to do a double take and be like...huh!! What!!! Who!! Me!! How on earth did I get so fat.

Im a skinny girl living in a fat body.
I hate clothes shopping, getting dresses and even taking showers bc it hits me. How much of a monstor I have become.
I struggled with eating disorders when I was a teen and bc I wanted to be normal and have healthy babies I got therpay and got better but the disease never left me.
I think everyone that has been through a disorder like bulimia and anorexia can relate. Food controls you. You think abt it what ur gna eat when you wake up and what youll eat later...and if ur going to a reunioun or outing you fantisize what youll eat

And the fear of getting fat.
I need help, aside from therapy

Has anyone been in my shoes? What did you do to stay motivated to eat healthy and excersice?
Im tired of being the fat girl...I hate myself for it. Pls help.

Nicole

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 8:00 pm

I can't even think of what to write, this area is too emotionally laden for me to handle. But I just wanted to write a note to let you know that I understand you, totally and completely. The other day I was looking at the pictures of Zakah Glaser, (from Soveya) the before and after pictures, and I was marveling how us, as a society looks at these pictures and draws conclusions from them. I look at the "fat" picture and I see a certain "type" of person, and I look at the thin picture and I think, "confident, pretty, in control," Which is ridiculous as it's the SAME PERSON.

amother

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 8:10 pm

I've been severely overweight for over 15 years now and I am still shocked when I look in the mirror. I was never skinny, but I was an attractive and athletic size 6. Except for when I try on clothes or look at myself in the mirror I walk around like I'm still this fantastic looking 18 year old.

I have a very hard time trying to get back (well, not back 100% I can't be 18 again) to where I was. I've lost nearly 50 pounds over the past 3 years, but that's slower than I'd like and I still have far to go. Every time I start to make progress I get sick or pregnant or something comes up to monopolize my time or get me doing emotional eating. It's tough. Really tough.

gold21

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 8:42 pm

Nicole wrote:

youre right, it is pretty crazy.

bluebird

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 10:55 pm

I relate, OP. Thanks to emotional eating, depression, yo-yo dieting, and being sedentary I became 60 lbs overweight. I've been miserable and full of self-loathing, which made the eating disorder worse. I felt ugly and awful. I remember the day when I started sobbing because I'd gotten too big for all my skirts and I was late to work because I couldn't find one that fit.

I was skinny when I was younger and I couldn't believe I had let myself go so much.

I lost 40 of it over the past two years, finally. I didn't diet, I just made gradual changes. I started walking instead of driving, even though it would take me longer. I bought a workout DVD and did 20 minutes of working out a day. I cut my portion sizes down to a more reasonable level when I realized I was just plain eating too much. I got into therapy for the emotional eating and managed to drastically reduce it.

Throughout this I really gained a lot of confidence and felt better about myself as I saw the numbers on the scale drop and could buy smaller clothes. It was very satifying to see the results of my hard work.

OP, please see your doctor first to make sure you don't have a physical issue. Get the help you need for the eating disorders. If it helps you to join a support group for encouragement from other people with these issues, do it. Then, start making small changes and stick to them. Diets don't work, but gradual change does. It may take longer than you would like to start losing weight, but YOU CAN DO IT! In the meantime, also try to concentrate on not being so hard on yourself. Instead of thinking you're fat, make yourself think about how you're on a journey to being healthy.

amother

Tue, Feb 07 2012, 10:55 am

[quote="sequoia"]I'm the same way! And the worst part is that I ACT skinny -- you know, shy, demure, slightly flirty. You're not supposed to act this way when you're fat, you're supposed to be all, I don't know, Southern mama or something. But I still feel thin inside...[/quote

Op here.
Lol!! Lol!!! Me too! I swear im hot..lol. I use to be very attractive. I guess now im just one of those fat girls with a pretty face. You know the ones you say...shed be pretty if she lost like 60lbs.
In my mind when I walk around and go out im not a day older than the 18 yr old 112 lb girl I use to be.

Sigh...I also had a nice body in all the righ places. Tiny waist. Oh well.

But!! One thing I am soooo thankful for a million times over everyday is that my husband still says im beautiful and he says imm just as gorgeous as the day he first saw me. It rlly helps me heal.

Blue jay

Tue, Feb 07 2012, 11:30 am

Op,
Remember that you are not the same person you were before children and the responsiblilities of raising a family. When I was a teen I used to eat only dinner and cereal for breakfast. I felt my stomach grumble all day long. I did not have a healthy relationship with food or with my body.

Fast foward, 15 years. Now Im an active mom (b'h) and I cannot walk around in an hungry haze all day long like I did when I was a teen. But was that really healthy? Im 50-60 pounds overweight. ( I dont weigh myself anymore) and have done alot alot alot of soul searching these past few months. Someone on Imamother recommended me the book "Breaking free from emotional eating" by Geneen Roth. I think it has changed my life and might have saved it.

Geneen Roth, has been annorexic, overweight on 100's of diets ... she has been there done that. Finally she began to discover the non-diet approach was the only way to come back to herself and subsequently her weight. The weight is only the tip of the iceberg.

I really really recommend this book! You can also join our emotional eating forum, it really helps! (b'h) I've lost weight and am no longer looking at morbid obesity in the eye anymore. I can tie my shoes without being propped up by my belly. I can see my chin. I can see my face. I celebrate every milestone and not every pound in this journey.

amother

Tue, Feb 07 2012, 1:20 pm

[quote="amother"]

sequoia wrote:

I'm the same way! And the worst part is that I ACT skinny -- you know, shy, demure, slightly flirty. You're not supposed to act this way when you're fat, you're supposed to be all, I don't know, Southern mama or something. But I still feel thin inside...[/quote

Op here.
Lol!! Lol!!! Me too! I swear im hot..lol. I use to be very attractive. I guess now im just one of those fat girls with a pretty face. You know the ones you say...shed be pretty if she lost like 60lbs.
In my mind when I walk around and go out im not a day older than the 18 yr old 112 lb girl I use to be.

Sigh...I also had a nice body in all the righ places. Tiny waist. Oh well.

But!! One thing I am soooo thankful for a million times over everyday is that my husband still says im beautiful and he says imm just as gorgeous as the day he first saw me. It rlly helps me heal.

Your probably still as gorgeous as you were then. 2 girls I know who are overweight are some of the prettiest girls I have met. I'm not kidding. I wasn't 80lbs over but I had a nice amount of extra fat and it took me a while to finally force myself to make some changes. I was tiny before having my babies and figured it would be easy to lose.. yeah right....

I cut out a lot of carbs and sugar, made sure I was eating 3 healthy meals and a fruit/ veggie snack every day. Took long walks every day with the stroller. Took a lot of self control not to eat what I wanted but eventually it paid off. I know some people hate weighing themselves but I actually found it helped.

mom23

Tue, Feb 07 2012, 1:31 pm

OMG! I thought I was the only one who ever felt this way. I never had an issue with my weight until I had a rough 3rd pregnancy and was on bedrest for almost the entire 9 months. I gained a tremendous amount of weight and I've never gotten back to myself and it's been 8 years!

The worst for me is going shopping. I still gravitate toward the styles that used to look good on me and when I try them on I just stare at my reflection in disbelief.

I'm really trying to make a lifestyle change. I hope I stick to it this time around! I want my body back!

amother

Tue, Feb 07 2012, 2:13 pm

amother wrote:

op I read your subject line and said: that's me!!
I can totally relate.
and while I"m not 80 lbs overweight I have gone up 3 dress sizes in the past year (namely bec. of birth control) but still I have no control over my weight. I feel horrific. I don't look in full length mirrors- only face when I'm putting on makeup.
this cute, put together, well dressed girl now looks like a shmattah.
I do not look at my body when I shower
this week I was finally forced to go shopping bec. none of my clothing fits anymore and when I saw what I look like in the dressing room I was ready to revert back to my old ways (I too suffered from an eating disorder)

I really don't have any advice or words of support
just want to say you're not alone.
good luck!