When responding NO to a wedding, do you enclose a gift?

amother

Sun, May 06 2012, 1:38 pm

I made a child's wedding recently, and was very surprised that almost everyone who said they were not attending, did "not" enclose a gift...I always felt funny responding without encosing a check, like if the wedding is out of town, or we're unable to make it for whatever reason. Is there a right or wrong regarding this?

Sun, May 06 2012, 2:13 pm

I think you are going to get a variety of responses to this - but I do usually send a gift if not attending, typically a lesser amount but if we are close with the family it might be a full gift (the same as if we were attending).

amother

Sun, May 06 2012, 2:21 pm

I can't tell you how many invites I've received where it was obvious we were invited just because they were inviting basically everyone in the community. Like, I've never spoken to the kallah and barely know her name and didn't know she was engaged. I ususally respond no. I don't feel like I need to give them a gift if I'm not attending the wedding. Althought recently I did send a check to a similar kallah b/c I know the family's financial circumstances and I thought whatever amt I could give would be very helpful.

I think some of these threads are interesting b/c growing up, in my nonfrum community, people were only invited to events if you were close friends with the bride or groom, bar mitzvah boy etc or their parents. The invite list was not massive and a gift was always given because you weren't invited to 50 events a yr. And you were close enough with the person that it was appropriate - you wanted to give them something, you didn't feel obligated.

But when you're one of hundreds of couples invited and you're so distant from the host, it just doesn't feel the same. Who has the money for attending so many simchas? I consider myself pretty comfortable financially but if I had to give a check for dozens of simchas a yr...well honestly I'd no longer enjoy being invited.

ElTam

Sun, May 06 2012, 2:25 pm

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

We recently got invited to a wedding by someone who davens at our shul. We've had them to our house a few times for Shabbos lunch. We've never been to their house. I have never seen the chosson or kallah in my life, nor has DH. I did not sent a check.

On the other hand, we are invited to a chasunah in another city. We can't go but are close to the mother. I will send a check in the RSVP card.

freidasima

Sun, May 06 2012, 2:33 pm

We give if we are close to the people and for some reason can't attend, or if it is someone who gave our children when they got married.
We dont give if it is one of Dh's many former talmidim or former assistants with whom we aren't in contact for a while already and who is only inviting us out of obligation. If it is a talmid of the present, or an assistant at present or someone from the past who maintained a relationship (there are these former talmidim who still call him once a week (yes!) to shmooze, usually thursday nights for whatever reason - and we make it our business if we can to attend their simchas, they consider him their mentor and if it isn't halfway across the country we make the effort) then yes of course we give to them even if we can't make it for whatever reason.

Yes it's expensive. Yes they usually all gave generously to our children when they were married, b"h. So it's just hakoras hatov to give back to them.

amother

Sun, May 06 2012, 6:31 pm

If you gave their children gifts and they sent back an empty envelope and said "No, I'm not attending" I would say its wrong. If its just a random person from shul or somebody not that close to you and said "no" and you never gave them gifts I would say its okay. We get invitations from people that my husband bearly knows their name. We just write back we are not coming and write Mazel Tov. We know we are invited because they need to reach 500 people at the hall they booked. I hate holding reply cards especially if I know I am definitely not attending.
The worst I find are the people that don't respond to your simcha. And you just went to their simcha and gave their child a generous gift. And here they don't even acknowedge your simcha.

Lady Godiva

Sun, May 06 2012, 7:11 pm

We don't normally get response cards with invitations--if you got an invitation the host expects that you will attend the event, so there is no replying. I normally only send a gift if I actually attend the wedding.