Feeling excluded and frustrated

amother

Tue, Jul 24 2012, 2:41 pm

It is pretty upsetting that nobody ever invites us for Shabbos. We have been married a little over a year, and have tried hard to make friends and invite people for Shabbos. No one at shul has welcomed me, said Hi, introduced themselves, let alone invited us for a Shabbos meal.
I was told to meet people and get invites through inviting people. Since I first got married, I try to invite people here (young couples) and get rejected a lot when I try. It is coming to a point where I am sick of inviting.

It seems like most newlyweds go to their parents for shabbos, and we cannot do that. I would have thought that a community would be more welcoming and inviting. I just feel rejected. It is one thing that we do not get invited. It is another when people won't come here. They said they have been invited out and will take a rain check. I have asked them probably 5-10 times to come here, always with the same answer. It is definitely not a kashrus issue. We are very frum B'H and I don't think anyone would question our kashrus. I even have helped cooked from some Rebbeim.
It seems like these other young couples are constantly getting invites, while we are not.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I love having guests and going to people. But I'm getting sick, frustrated, and somewhat hurt of trying.

Ay Jay Jay

Tue, Jul 24 2012, 2:49 pm

It's sad that people are acting so clicky like they are still in high school. Maybe there are some people you can invite, if the community is big enough. It is really nice that you are trying to have guests, even in Shana Rishona. Just keep trying. Maybe these people aren't worth your time, but try to find others Smile

The same thing happened to me when I first got married, and finally we found a few friends- not the whole community- but a few. I also think once you have children it becomes easier to invite, because people come because their kids are friends w/ yours.

zaq

Tue, Jul 24 2012, 6:57 pm

look beyond the young couples. many very RW couples don't socialize with other couples during shanah rishonah (theirs, not yours) and many don't ever. if their parents are nearby, it's sometimes assumed that they will eat all meals with parents.

do hachnossas orchim for real. invite a widow or widower, a single parent, a not-so-young single, maybe even a student or a young family with 1-2 little ones. iow the people society tends to avoid or forget. not that they will want to or be able to reciprocate, but they're more likely to accept an invite.

Try not to think of yourself as being "rejected". YOU aren't being rejected, your invitation is being turned down. 5-10 times is way too many chances to give people. Three refusals in a row, assume they are not interested and quit while you're ahead, unless of course there are genuine reasons and not excuses (first time you invited it was his brother's bar mitzvah, second time they were oot, third time it was her sister's sheva brochos, e.g).

Next time a young couple says no, ask them point blank if they don't socialize with other young couples.

It certainly sounds as if your community is populated by standoffish individuals. Let your rabbi or rebbetzin know that you're looking to host people and make friends and ask them to set you up.

amother

Tue, Jul 24 2012, 7:08 pm

There are communities known for welcoming, others not. There are communities known for inviting, others would never invite non family.

If everyone goes to the parents for shabbes (oy va voy why?), and you don't, I see why it would be hard (hugs)

mummiedearest

Tue, Jul 24 2012, 7:46 pm

are you in brooklyn? cause ppl here are anti-social. if you're in brooklyn and want to be invited, pm me. I might be able to arrange something. I try to have guests when I can. often I can't, but I know people who have better schedules for guests.

if you're not in brooklyn, try calling a local rav. tell them you want to get to know people and you would love to spend time with another family. he may know who in the area is generally hospitable, and can probably call them for you.

question: why do you want an invite? is it solely social, or do you have a hard time making shabbos?

ellie23

Tue, Jul 24 2012, 8:26 pm

im in brooklyn and I have invited and been invited too many..I dont consider brooklyn to be antisocial at all but I guess I have a diff experience from the poster above. if u live in brooklyn pm me...we always have people over- it brings us such happiness and wed love to have you guys too (we especially love having couples over!) im serious definitely pm me if ur on brooklyn!

little_mage

Tue, Jul 24 2012, 9:11 pm

It sounds to me like when you invite people, they're saying, "oh, no, we already have plans." What about asking them for a specific date. "Oh, I'm sorry this week won't work for you. Could you come next week instead?" Try setting stuff up two or even three weeks in advance and that might help. Just make sure to remind people the week of!
Good luck. I'm sorry you're having trouble.

zaq

Tue, Jul 24 2012, 9:22 pm

little_mage wrote:

This is a good point. How far in advance are you inviting?

sunflower_seed

Wed, Jul 25 2012, 2:44 pm

Op, which area are you in?
We also love having guests but do enjoy our quite time as well.
We live in a small community where people invite couples with no kids or with big kids-no eruv.
But sometimes we want to stay home and we say no.
There is one family I badly wanted to get invited to and I actually told her after I did them a favour.
She said they go down the family list and it's not our turn yet.
And then said the kids are small and sometimes act out when having guests...
Whatever. Remember that both the hosts and the guests should be comfortable with each other or at least not uncomfortable. And, you know, one is not always necessary comfy with other newlyweds...
Just play by ear.
Are there other people you can invite?
Who has the say in your community?
Try to be active in other areas (cooking a meal for someone who just had baby, help out with advice etc.).
People will recognize you and remember you better and that gives you a bigger chance to get invited imo.
Hazlocha!