what to tell DS? | Imamother

amother

Mon, Sep 03 2012, 12:16 am

I think it is time to talk to ds about the jewish view of m=sterbating. I have no idea what or how. he already knows the basics of the birds and the bees. his hormones are kicking in big time. we can ignore the issue, but we all know it's there. dh wants to just tell him it's assur end of story. I think he deserves a better explanation. advice?

amother

Mon, Sep 03 2012, 12:40 am

Your DH wants to go up to your son and say "touching self is assur" and then walk away? That's really all he wants to say? Cuz while it might be an awkward conversation to have, that's a surefire way to give DS some major hangups about it. He'll end up thinking he's a horrible person for even wanting to, when he can't help experiencing the urge. Or he'll end up angry at being told that he can't do something that he feels like he needs to do. Not giving any kind of explanation at all sets DS up for failure on more than one level.

Not giving DS at least some idea of what he's doing, what it accomplishes, and why he should make the effort to resist the urge, is terrible chinuch. Be age-appropriate and plan what to say carefully before you say it, but whatever you do, do NOT simply shut him down by saying "don't do it or else".

chocolate chips

Tue, Sep 04 2012, 9:35 pm

show him in the gemara or wherever so he can see where it says it. Give him at least one if not more reasons WHY it is not allowed.

Ask dh to come up with a couple ideas what he can do if he feels the NEED to do it.

milchigs

Tue, Sep 04 2012, 9:45 pm

If he knows the basics of s-x like you see then I don't see why it should be such a big deal to be a little more elaborate in what you tell him. After all, if he realizes that a man does play a role in procreation, then the concept of spilled seed shouldn't be that foreign to him.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Sep 05 2012, 4:04 am

Most boys play with their privates at 3 or 4 years old. How do you expect him to just go cold turkey now that he's a teen?

(Thank G-d I don't have a boy, I'd have NO idea how to handle this.)

smilethere

Wed, Sep 05 2012, 4:45 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Most boys play with their privates at 3 or 4 years old. How do you expect him to just go cold turkey now that he's a teen?

(Thank G-d I don't have a boy, I'd have NO idea how to handle this.)

At least I know this is apparently normal. My 4 year old has become obsessed with his body (and mine). I give basic explanations and try not to notice everything...

amother

Wed, Sep 05 2012, 9:07 am

My DH told me that his Rebbaim in Yeshiva told the boys ways of helping things, related to refraining in those areas. Dont want to go into too much detail, but things like sleeping with the feet out of the covers at night etc.

If there is any conversation to be had- which Im not sure that their is (?!) ....it should be something like- it is natural, and it is very difficult to refrain from, but this is what the Torah has to say on it, and it IS hard, but we have to try not to. Include any and every eitza or tips your DH has ever tried or heard and leave it at that. Can be as simple as trying to distract yourself with something else (give an example).

What an uncomfortable conversation. Ugh!

marina

Wed, Sep 05 2012, 11:16 am

It's none of your business.

The issurim will be noted by the schools, most typically. Other than that, leave it alone. Like with your husbands.