How have your teens changed you?

chani8

Wed, Dec 19 2012, 12:10 pm

Since we are on the subject of teens, I was wondering how your teens have changed you, for better or worse.

Having teens has forced me into intellectual honesty and middos tovos. No longer can I get away with pat answers, or rude/demanding/impatient behavior. No longer am I able to shuffle them along like a herd. They each have their own opinions and I will likely be forced to take the time to listen to them, whether I have the time or not.

And I have become less uptight about my beliefs. No answering with an agenda to manipulate them to think my way is the only way. For example, the other day my teen DD asked me, why do some women wear sheitles when the sheitles are more beautiful than their own hair?! Being myself anti-sheitle, I could use this as an opportunity to knock sheitles, but what if one day she wanted to wear a sheitle? So, thank G-d I was able to respond with, "what do you mean, clothing is often more beautiful than our bodies! What, we shouldn't wear pretty clothes?!" And she smiled at that. Then she asked, "Why do some women wear little bitty head coverings?" FTR, I cover all my hair, but what if one day she wants to cover her hair with a tiny thing? So I responded, "Head coverings are about what your community does to cover their hair." She was very pleased. And then happily chatted on about how the women she knows (in her community) wear their scarfs so prettily, etc.

Having teens forces me to think things thru, not be so sure of myself. It has been very interesting and helpful to my own philosophies, to contemplate life from their POV. They challenge me to be the best I can be, which means, be human and not perfect.

costanza

Wed, Dec 19 2012, 12:18 pm

Your comments are very well thought out. I don't think it's so easy to always do that. And I'm not sure it is always best to be so diplomatic. Is it wrong to voice opinions of your own that your child may or may not agree with? The real world is full of differing voices and while they may not like what you have to say, they need to learn to express their own opinions with respect and feel disagreements on a particular topic does not mean rejection of the person as a whole.

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 19 2012, 12:42 pm

To me, one aspect of raising my children is passing on my values to them. If that makes me judgemental, then so be it.

So if my DD were to ask me why some people work off the books in order to lower their taxable income, I would tell her that some people don't think they have to follow the law, and that there's a concept of "Dina D'malcusah Dina" and the Torah tells us to be honest. If one day she feels tempted to circumvent the law, I hope that my response to her now makes her uncomfortable enough to forego that temptation.

I happen to like your response to your DD vis-a-vis sheitels. Since my Rav holds that fully covering hair is a Halacha, my response to your DD's second question would have been along those lines, and that there are other communities that hold differently. I wouldn't hide the fact that I hope my DD's choose a community with values more similar to my own.

zaq

Wed, Dec 19 2012, 12:52 pm

Chayalle wrote:

To me, one aspect of raising my children is passing on my values to them. If that makes me judgemental, then so be it.

.

The exception is if you hold an attitude that you know is unjust. For example, if you were brought up by bigoted parents and haven't been able to rid yourself of their bigoted attitudes despite believing them to be wrong, you would not wish to pass those attitudes along to your children.