I allow my teens to make their own choices

grin

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 10:21 am

yes, you read that one right - if they're in my house and what they does offends me, then speak up and tell it like it is. but if you're worried about their lives, then at a certain point (I would hope by the time they're teens) they know your guidelines and your beliefs - I mean they've known you since the day they were born (well, unless they're adopted). so - live and let live - and let them go to make their own mistakes and live their own lives.

Many of us here are not living the lives designed for us by our own parents - and very often the changes started in our teens. how can I deny that freedom of choice to my children, as well? ok, so I've found my "truth" and I want to save them the trouble of finding it on their own? who's to say that their truth is the same as mine?

MimiMommy

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 11:03 am

Bravo!
I grew up in a household like that, where at one point there were 5 teens at the same time. I like to think that we are all independent and are able to make our own decisions. For whatever gripes we may have, having a stifling mother isn't one of them.

Barbara

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 11:45 am

To quote Kenny Rogers, you have to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.

IOW, you have to know your own kid. Know when they're ready to make their own decisions, even if "you're" not ready for it, even if you don't like the decisions that they make. Know when they need guidance. Know when they'll accept advice. Know when it will backfire. Know when to step in, even if they don't like it. Teach them "how" to make decisions, then let them. And let them make their mistakes while you can still help them out of it.

Maybe a more rigid form of parenting works for some kids. I know it would not work for mine

Chayalle

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 11:49 am

I guess I fall somewhere in the middle. I like Barbara's post here.

At 13, not all teens are as ready as they think they are for independance. You gotta know your kid, and some gentle guidance and even nudging is not always a bad thing.

Merrymom

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 11:56 am

I don't agree at all. Teens are so much more immature nowadays it seems. I imagine that they're getting married at later dates because they're so mixed up. You need to be the parent, not have a "If you can't beat 'em then join 'em" mentality. You need to teach by example and by using the power of the pocketbook, etc. to enforce your standards until the hormones have stopped messing with their brains. One dumb immature mistake can impact them for the rest of their lives. You know this is true because in the Torah we learn that a person has until 20 (or is it 21?) before Hashem will punish them for their avairos.

Here is an article from National Geographic on teenaged brains explaining the development and poor impulse control.

http://ngm.nationalgeographic......ext/2

Fox

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 12:22 pm

This is a weird case where I agree with everybody! Teens will make their own decisions, whether we "allow" them to or not. However, as MerryMom points out, teenagers are notoriously stupid decision-makers. Biologists seem to back up Bill Cosby's theory -- in nicer, more scholarly language, of course -- that teenagers are by definition "brain damaged."^*

In my experience, you have be as wily as a diplomat, setting down as few rules as possible while bringing the teenager ever-so-gently to the conclusion you want him/her to reach. And just when you've given up all hope, when you've conceded defeat and concluded that your parent experiment is a failure . . . that's when they do something so wonderful, so mentchlikeit, that it brings tears to your eyes.

^* Anyone remember Cosby's classic routine where he describes asking his son about an unusual haircut? The son has no explanation for why his hair looks so peculiar, answering, "I dunno" to all the questions. Finally, Cosby roars, "Was your head with you all day?"

paprika

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 12:22 pm

While I allow my teens to make many of their own choices, I stand from behind to make sure that they'll be able to handle the consequences of their choices. If the consequences will be too tough, I step in. Hopefully when they'll be married and I will lose the privilege of stepping in, their teenage thirst of making their own mistakes will be quenched.

chocolate moose

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 12:48 pm

Sort of yes and sort of no. Is it the child is being lazy to daven or is it that they made a case study and decided not to be religious due to the facts?

grin

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 1:45 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Sort of yes and sort of no. Is it the child is being lazy to daven or is it that they made a case study and decided not to be religious due to the facts?

and if said teen is just lazy - so do you force them to daven? will that have long-lasting benefits or will the damage outweigh them?

the truth is that I didn't mean at all to insinuate that I remove any and all guidance from age 13! I meant that an older teen should be allowed to make different life choices than mine (even if it's simply form laziness or peer pressure)!

and of course your decision as a parent cannot be made across the board either - you need to take into account the kid and his life circumstances as well as the case in question.

amother

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 5:00 pm

My dd14 has been wearing her skirts shorter than I would like. I keep reminding her to pull it down because it went up. At one point I asked her, is this how you want to wear it? If so, just tell me and I'll stop mentioning when it goes up. I'm not happy about it, but if that's what you want. She being a teen just gave me a look without any answer. I still remind her, but not too much, just when it's really bad IMO.

zaq

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 7:12 pm

Merrymom wrote:

I imagine that they're getting married at later dates because they're so mixed up.

And here I thought it had to do with the fact that it's taking more and more years of schooling to get a job that pays enough to live on without depending on Mom and Dad to support you. Silly me.

imasinger

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 7:45 pm

I've been watching all the discussion about teens with interest. Having been one myself, and helped with 2 stepdaughters, raised my first DD to maturity, and now going through it with younger ones, I remain quite conflicted.

I think each circumstance is different. In general, power struggles with teens are ineffective or worse, but they still need to know that a parent is in charge. But when it comes to details, each decision, each interaction is unique. Frankly, we all have to call it both by ear and from the heart, and daven a whole lot.

greenfire

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 8:07 pm

didn't think we had a choice past a certain point ... but I do remind them gently that they should be safe & I love them ... hoping & praying they make wise decisions & if they question I say I'm your mother it's my right to be concerned

Sherri

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 8:11 pm

^* Anyone remember Cosby's classic routine where he describes asking his son about an unusual haircut? The son has no explanation for why his hair looks so peculiar, answering, "I dunno" to all the questions. Finally, Cosby roars, "Was your head with you all day?" LOL

Last edited by Sherri on Thu, Dec 20 2012, 8:12 pm; edited 2 times in total

chani8

Fri, Dec 21 2012, 6:42 am

Barbara wrote:

This is one of those posts worth printing and putting on the fridge!!

ETA: I think I'll just sing that song to myself whenever I'm stumped and overwhelmed by them!!!