Is it ok to bring my parents to close friend's wedding?

amother

Mon, Apr 01 2013, 11:12 pm

My close friend is getting married bH in two months. She is marrying a very religious man so it is going to be a very religious wedding. Anyway, I was wondering if I could bring my parents to the wedding as they would really like to come? It's not that they want to just come and take the food etc - they actually want to make a donation - and have just been through really hard times and they really want to attend a simcha especially as it will be a religious occasion - my parents are religious but not charedi/chassidish and would love to experience the wedding. Anyway is that ok (it is a simcha right!) Or is that rude to bring a guest/s "uninvited?" I thought it was fine to bring a friend because it's like a mitzvah to make others happy on your wedding but maybe I'm wrong. Should I ask my friend if it would ok for me to bring my parents?

Thanks!

DrMom

Mon, Apr 01 2013, 11:41 pm

amother wrote:

It is rude to bring uninvited guests to a wedding.

A wedding is not a zoo, where uninvited guests can come and gawk if they give a "donation". If your friend wanted your parents there, she would have invited them.
------------------------
Edit: Rereading my comment, I think it may come off as being rude. I didn't intend that, so I hope it didn't read that way.

But I still think you shouldn't bring your parents.

Perhaps you can volunteer to host a sheva brachot and ask your friend if she would like to include your parents on the guestlist? (Does she even know them?)

Last edited by DrMom on Tue, Apr 02 2013, 3:04 am; edited 1 time in total

ray family

Tue, Apr 02 2013, 12:34 am

if you're writing this post I'm assuming you're in Israel. If you were posting in the States I would say, of course not!. here in Israel things are a bit less formal. it's probably best to first ask your friend if your parents could come for the chuppah or dancing. I would not bring your parents for the meal bec. then your friend ('s parents) would have to pay for an extra plate - and that certainly isn't right.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Apr 02 2013, 1:19 am

I agree with Dr. Mom, it's not ok.
Some people might not care or notice (especially if they have 500 guests), but some people are really sensitive to having uninvited guests at their simcha.
For example, many people (in Israel) inform their venue ahead of time that they don't want strangers coming on their evening to taste food or watch how an event unfolds at this particular place.

So no, I wouldn't bring them. And it goes without saying that you can't bring them to the meal, because a plate has been allotted to each guest (and paid for).

Isramom8

Tue, Apr 02 2013, 5:05 am

Ask your friend if they can come for the kabalat panim and chuppah, or the dancing after the meal. She may say yes! If she seems completely okay with that, maybe ask if it might not be a problem for them to come for the meal too and they will certainly give a nice gift, but give her a chance to decline without guilt.

I felt guilted into inviting the child of a friend when she begged and offered to cover her plate, but I agreed so as not to cause a fight.

Inspired

Tue, Apr 02 2013, 5:25 am

I don't mean this in a snarky, but seriously, in what culture is it okay to bring guests as a guest unless you specifically get an invitation for "x and guest" like at weddings where you bring a date?
Completely unacceptable in our culture and all other western societies that I know about. It is possible you can ask the bride and groom, but they may be uncomfortable saying no, so you are kind of forcing a yes. Even if you ask I would not ask about the meal, just the chuppah or dancing.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Apr 02 2013, 7:12 am

Isramom8 wrote:

You just said you felt guilted into inviting someone, and then you suggest they do the same thing?
It's uncomfortable to say no to someone, but that doesn't mean it's what the couple would want.
Even if the couple pays for their plate (the accepted mode of operation in many circles in Israel), the couple may still very well just want familiar and loved faces at their wedding.

Isramom8

Tue, Apr 02 2013, 10:17 am

Tablepoetry wrote:

Isramom8 wrote:

No, I said to give them a chance to say no without guilt. I wasn't given this chance - I was completely guilted. I mean to explain why they'd enjoy attending, but also say that the OP totally understands if they just want people they know and don't feel this is a time they want to share the interesting experience with people they don't know. Had I been given that opportunity, I might have chosen to comply. Instead I was just told that the couple intended to bring their child.

ChossidMom

Tue, Apr 02 2013, 10:48 am

Here's my 2 cents.
I think it very much depends on who the ba'alei simcha are. In DL circles weddings are often very expensive affairs (sometimes with seating arrangements). By Charedim, even when I receive an invitation it doesn't mean that I will stay for the meal. I will often sit down to the meal if it's a good friend but not if it's not. I'll come for either the chupa or the dancing but not to sit. I would have no problem with someone bringing their parents to my child's chupa or for the dancing. Why should I? That doesn't entail paying for a portion! I would recommend discussing it up front with the ba'alei simcha though. Otherwise it's weird but still no big deal imho.

I think you'll get very different answers from Charedim and non Charedim.

Inspired

Tue, Apr 02 2013, 12:50 pm

I am close enough to charedi. My friend who this was done to, without asking, is certainly charedi. All of our friends were shocked, including the baalas simcha that someone would think it was ok.
As an adult I don't want spectators at my simchas, just my friends.
I had plenty of aquaintances and spectators at my own wedding, we planned it that way, dh was working in kiruv in a place close to where our wedding was.
But generally it is not polite in any circle for a guest to bring a guest.
As a parent with young children and no place to leave them easily for the 12 or so hours it takes to make the trip to an oot wedding I have told close friends that if I can't bring my kids I can't come. I have of course invited my oot friends to bring their kids to my simchas because I realize for many people it is too big a tircha to leave them for such a long time. That, however, is not what OP is talking about.