how would you interpret her comment?

amother

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 12:09 pm

First of all I am not making any kind of judgement this is just a neutral thing
I was talking to my friend's daughter about marriage and stuff (she is unmarried), a sweet girl. I asked her"would you like to marry someone charedi?" She replied, no not really. She said to me that her friend is about to marry someone very religious, and he has told her friend that he expects many children, and she said that would put a lot of pressure on me, because in life there is no guarantee - what if a woman can't have children?"

How would you interpret her feelings? I.e. is she anti charedi people?

hot pink

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 12:13 pm

I think she may just be confused as to what "charedi people" are all about... maybe she hasn't met very many and goes off of the negative stereotypes everyone else talks about.

How old is this girl? Maybe she's just young and naive and hasn't met enough different types of people yet.

esther09

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 12:24 pm

I'm not sure she's anti-chareidi. She just doesn't want to marry one. There are a lot of different types of people I didn't want to marry but I'm not anti all of them.

invisiblecircus

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 12:56 pm

amother wrote:

How would you interpret her feelings? I.e. is she anti charedi people?

I'd think she believes she would be more compatible with someone who isn't charedi.

I'm not anti muslim but I didn't want to marry someone muslim.

greenfire

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 1:01 pm

why are you asking us - she explained it herself

she doesn't want the pressure of having to have a lot of children ... why would anybody want that pressure ?!?!?! [unless of course the man is planning to carry them & birth them]

Barbara

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 1:05 pm

amother wrote:

I think that you're looking for a reason to be insulted. You asked her if she wanted to marry a Charedi man. She said no. Done.

Are you Charedi? Do you want your children to marry Modern Orthodox people? What? Do you hate Modern Orthodox people? Or is it maybe just not your thing.

forever21

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 3:33 pm

Why do you feel the need to interpret at all? Are you trying to change her mind bec you find something wrong with her saying she doesnt want to marry someone charedi?

imasinger

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 3:41 pm

One of the challenges of being in shidduchim is dealing with people making major evaluations of you based on little information. Please do not add to the situation by attempting to conclude anything about this young lady, except what she said at face value.

amother

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 3:53 pm

omg why are you thinking that? How is that "anti - charedi" in any way?? You sound paranoid

She is simply stating her feelings about ONE aspect of charedim. Where is she saying "anti" or anything of the sort? And even there, she is simply stating her PERSONAL feeling of sympathy towards women who feel not able to conform to what is expected in their community and that she wouldn't like to be in that position - not a blanket statement.

You seriously shouldn't judge people on every little thing they say especially something like this which you've exacerbated in your mind.

I actually quite agree with her and think she is smart. It is quite true that there are no guarantees - what G-d gives is a blessing and children are a bonus of course but it's all in the hands of G-d and if a person can't have children, it's not their fault.

Wise girl.

amother

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 3:57 pm

her friend's boyfriend sounds like a nutter who doesn't believe in G-d. Someone who believes in G-d doesn't "expect" anything but takes each day at a time and whatever happens happens.

amother

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 4:12 pm

Sounds to me like something completely different...nothing to do with chareidi....

I think she's worried about not living up to the expectations of a future spouse... and the example she brings is something out of her control like having a lot of kids...

As it happens, it is important that a couple share (or are able to compromise on) things like family size... but that doesn't mean they actually have to end up having a big family - if Hashem doesn't want it to happen - it would be a nisayon that they will share together... something the girl will probably need to learn to understand over time - life never turns out exactly as planned. And it is just as likely for a man as a woman to have fertility issues (it takes two to tango!) and when someone says they want a big family... they don't mean if they won't have one it's the end of the world.

DH and I would have 18 kids if we could, but right not we can't seem to even manage to have one...

ora_43

Wed, May 01 2013, 4:37 am

hot pink wrote:

I think she may just be confused as to what "charedi people" are all about... maybe she hasn't met very many and goes off of the negative stereotypes everyone else talks about.

I agree. It makes the whole story a bit confusing - if she knows so little about hareidim that she assumes all hareidi men are like her friend's "very religious" fiance, why would there be any expectation that she date hareidim? Clearly she's not even close to that community.

If she's close to hareidi in outlook and lifestyle but just doesn't know much about the community for some reason (is she new to the area? etc) then maybe I'd worry that her comment shows ignorance about the community and that it would be a good idea to explain that not all hareidi men are like that, so that she doesn't nix guys who might be great for her based on what one (possibly) hareidi guy said.

Otherwise - why would it matter? There's no point in convincing her not to nix hareidi guys for one reason if there are many other good reasons for her to not date them.