Would you make ur kid play with someone as chessed?

Kumphort

Thu, May 09 2013, 9:05 pm

I am wondering what the best thing to do is in this situation

My son , age 9,met another boy ,though the neighborhood frum little league program. This boy doesn't go to the same school as my son and is older than him. He seems to be socially immature and maybe also some learning issues. For whatever reason he had taken a liking to my son, for the past week he had called at least once to invite my son to his house. My son isn't really interested he has his own friends to play with and I think knows that this kid is not up to par with him.

We've tried not answering the phone. Telling him that during the week doesn't work out etc but this kid is persistent. I finally told my son that he should really just go for an hour on Friday.

I think that this is a good leaning expeierence for my son to have to interact with people that you might not want to. To do a chessed by giving some of his time to this boy etc

Is this something I should push my son to do or do we just need to tell the other kid different excuses each time

I am also slightly annoyed at the other kids parent for allowing him to call so often and for setting himself up for disappointment every day.
Is it inappropriate for me to ask the mother not to have her son call each day.

Any other advise on joe to handle the situation ?

Dolly Welsh

Thu, May 09 2013, 10:24 pm

I feel funny about this.

Do not forget that the other boy is physically larger and more developed than your son because he is older.

This ought to have been worked out mother to mother, not boy to boy, perhaps. Perhaps the other mother does not even know he is calling so much.

I am uneasy. This "persistence" (your word) isn't feeling right to me, it could also be described as agression, if it showed up in another way. He doesn't take no for an answer.

mandksima

Fri, May 10 2013, 1:30 am

Who knows? Maybe your son will actually enjoy playing with him and it won't be a chessed?

Children have an easier time accepting others than adults. Maybe you are more worried about your son's social status than your son is. Doesn't hurt to try the two of them together. If it really isn't good and the other boy doesn't get the hint, then say something to the mother afterwards.

ora_43

Fri, May 10 2013, 2:04 am

I think it'd be nice to encourage him to play with the other boy but I wouldn't force it. I also think it would be a good idea if they met at your house. That would probably help your son stay a bit closer to his comfort zone, and would help you get a sense for whether the other kid is a nice kid who's just a bit socially awkward or if there's something more seriously off.

If he is a nice kid, I think it would be nice to have him over once every few weeks, if your son agrees. But it wouldn't be reasonable to expect your son to play with him as often as he does with the friends he chose. Or to pressure your son if he decides that he just doesn't want to play with this kid at all.

If the other kid keeps calling way too often I think you'd be doing him a favor by bringing it up with his parents. Someone needs to teach him that that's not socially acceptable behavior.

newme

Fri, May 10 2013, 4:49 am

I also admire your kindheartedness, and I have had similar dilemmas myself at times.
However, I feel that it is important to respect your own child's wishes in something as personal and individual as who he likes playing with, while teaching him at the same time to be respectful and kind in saying no.
Remember that when your child plays with another, there is so much about that interaction you are nor aware of, and if he doesn't enjoy his company there may be a good reason.
I would be uneasy, at the very least, (as another amother has already posted ) about the persistence of this older boy. If you think he needs the company - perhaps you can allow him over once when you are around ALL THE TIME, and keep an eye on the relationship. If you see nothing untoward and the first visit serves to break the ice - good. If you see any red flags, or if your own child still feels uncomfortable playing with him - definitely allow your son to turn him down, politely but firmly.
Chessed begins by you for your child - unless you ascertain that this friend is totally normal, just a little bit of a lonely guy - and then, in that case, I think what I woudl do would be to demonstrate to my child a personal example and entertain him together!!

greenfire

Fri, May 10 2013, 7:48 am

I'd suggest to your son to try it out and see how it works out ... because it's always nice to give someone a chance at friendship

why does this have to be a chessed ? isn't it basic human instinct to teach our children how to be friendly - just like we'd want s/o else to be friendly with our child

anyways if nothing works out .... stop beating around the bush and tell the kid's mother that for whatever reason your son is not amiable to the idea and apologize ... this way she can tell her son to stop calling and asking

making excuses is just lying and keeping the kid's hope up that one day your son will play with him

farm

Fri, May 10 2013, 8:15 am

I have a feeling you know the right answer because if you didn't, you would be confident in your son declining the invites and not feel the need to post. Yes, it is important to teach your kid that chessed is stepping out of your comfort zone and extending yourself. Your son is lucky enough to have his chevra and has no need to expand his social circle, but this boy obviously isn't that lucky. It won't kill him to invite this boy over to your home (so you can supervise and send him home if/when necessary) and take it from there. If it really is a disaster for your son but the boy is very needy for a friendship, your son will learn that sometimes we do things we don't like and he will get a big reward in olam habah. Hey, if they know each other from little league, they can always throw a ball around in the yard for an hour, have a snack, and then send him on home once a month. It will be okay.

mirror

Fri, May 10 2013, 11:12 am

Okay, everyone hate me (you already do).

I have a friend who tried making her daughters play with a girl who was learning disabled, and they resented it.

You cannot force your son against his will.

What you can do is try to find out if there are other outlets where groups of boys meet, such as ceramics class, and take your son to one class and suggest she bring her son there. An art class or gymnastics class is a place where everyone goes at their own speed, and if one kid is slower it doesn't matter.

amother

Fri, May 10 2013, 1:52 pm

I was emotionally immature and bullied as a child. I didn't have many friends. Based on my experience, I'd like to offer another perspective.

I know that, at my most ostracized points, I was invited to a few bat mitzvah parties and sleepovers out of pity. For the most part, I wasn't able to fit in and felt lonely and rejected. I remember locking myself in a bathroom and crying at one point, but I don't recall why.

As an emotional mess who didn't have much in the way of social skills, I wasn't able to interact with other kids in a normal way and came off as weird. When I experienced rejection, it was even more devastating than it would be for other kids.

So, it's worth considering what will happen if the boys don't "click" on the play date or your son accidentally makes the other boy upset in some way (easy to do with overly sensitive kids). To be invites over then rejected may be more painful than not being invited at all.

I'm not saying to not do this, but talk to the parents first to just get a sense of things. Of course, kids like this are likely to have parents that causes the behavior (I did) so be prepares for that to be weird as well.

Before anyone jumps on me, please know that I am speaking from experience and a feeling of kindness and protection for children like me.

amother

Fri, May 10 2013, 2:23 pm

Ok thanks everyone for your replies. After speaking with a few other parents it seems like this is an ongoing issue with this kid. His lack of social skills trying to find a friend etc. the parents are not the type to interfere and want to let their children expeierence life and its consequences
I had my son go over there for about 30 mins today and he hasn't come home yet due to other errands so I Didn't get a chance to see how it went.

shiffycc

Fri, May 10 2013, 6:57 pm

How about inviting the family for a meal on shabbos? That might be a more organic way of letting them meet and seeing if they can connect or if everything seems "kosher" with him. It would also give yo a chance to SHOW your child chessed, without imposing it upon him.

Isramom8

Sat, May 11 2013, 4:59 pm

In my experience, forcing chessed friendships for kids always ends badly, on both sides. My kids have a few real friends who have special needs, but these are by their choice, and their own ability to see beyond that in these specific children. But fake friendships are unhealthy for both parties involved.

Friendship with another child has to come from a mutual interest on the part of both kids.

usernamemom

Sat, May 11 2013, 6:36 pm

I agree with those who said if there is a playdate it should be at your house, and well-supervised. I also don't believe in forcing kids to entertain other kids, but if your child is confident, and very well-adjusted socially, I would encourage the chessed, and reward it, if he decides to host. It might be easier if another couple of his regular friends were there too. But I also think that it's a good life lesson to teach kids how to set boundaries in their lives and relationships, to say no tactfully, and educate them about the value of kindness so that it's their choice to give in a way that is right for them, not that makes them feel bulldozed or guilted into compliance. And I also agree with those who said kol hakavod for your empathy to this other child. In the zechus of your kindness, may your children never struggle with loneliness.

amother

Sat, May 11 2013, 7:06 pm

My dd was at the receiving act if chesed play dates It was painful for me to see that some of the girls came over and made fun of my daughter I tried hard not to have them come over, but some of the girls were really nice and helped her develop appropriate social skills. Teach your son to be nice to this little boy, you know he is suffering wanting friends. Maybe you can think of helping him learn.

amother

Sat, May 11 2013, 7:06 pm

Isramom8

Sat, May 11 2013, 10:07 pm

There was a child we didn't foster, because when he came over a few times, my kids were really turned off. They didn't know that we were considering fostering him. When they found out, they cried, and said I should have told them, and then they would have gotten along. No, they wouldn't have. it was a natural misfit.

There's a girl my daughter was really made sick about, because the girl's mother pushed for the friendship, for years. Now my daughter wants nothing to do with the kid, because of the mother. Personally, I really like that child. But I can't invite her to join our family for anything now.

checkbefore

Sat, May 11 2013, 11:53 pm

Please don't force your child to play with someone they don't really want to. My parents used to make me invite a (slow) girl over all the time, even make me invite her on our chol hamoed trips. I remember picking up the phone and faking a conversation where the girl told me she couldn't come.