Would you want your husband to re-marry?

Clarissa

Mon, May 20 2013, 2:44 pm

Yes, you said you wouldn't remarry. You wrote about imagined scenarios in which things aren't done the way you'd want them to. But here's the thing about one spouse dying -- they're dead. They don't get to dictate anything, even whether their spouse remarries.

Anybody who's been widowed and remarried is a lucky, lucky person, whether or not there are children on the scene. Naturally I'm not going to address the "wicked stepmother who steals the dead wife's jewelry and sells the children into slavery" scenario, because that's obviously not good.

Good is a person who loved one person being able to love again, create a new life, bring happiness and joy into the household.

In any event, if you're gone, you won't have a say in it. Lonely men often find love again, as do lonely women, if they're lucky. You're never too old for love and affection and physical connection. I love my husband too much to imagine him sleeping alone night after night for the rest of his life. It's a very depressing scenario. And YES, I don't want him sleeping next to someone who would sell my children to buy herself a case of wine. So in that case, I'd rather he not remarry.

saw50st8

Mon, May 20 2013, 2:52 pm

Who said I get to make the decision? That's not what this thread is about.

Its not about evil step-mothers or anything like that either. This is why I said its very one dimensional thinking. There are a lot of variables and unknowns in the equation even if both people love each other and want to make it work.

I'm wondering if you have any experience being a part of a single parent family or a blended family.

Clarissa

Mon, May 20 2013, 2:54 pm

Not personally, but many, many of my friends and relatives are in blended families, and I know several single-parent families. And I do have experiencing with remarrying.

Of course there are variables in families of any kind. But this isn't a variable -- most people want and need physical and emotional closeness. Some men won't be satisfied with a dog. They'll want a woman.

Unless you've been there (waking up alone in a bed after the end of a marriage) you don't know how it feels.

I see nothing "one-dimensional" in anything I've said. I suppose we define that differently.

I married a man who wouldn't want to be alone, and I love that about him. It's part of makes him such a loving partner.

dee's mommy

Mon, May 20 2013, 2:59 pm

I haven't read all of the threads, but here is my response:

I think my husband is happier as a married man than single, so I would expect him to try to find another wife. I would want him to remarry, because I think it is good for him to be married.

Staying faithful to your dead spouse is a very Victorian thing. (I don't believe that it was in fashion before Queen Victoria's widowhood.) I don't think this is a Jewish value, nor is it healthy or desirable.

Also, it is my understanding that men always have the mitzvah of Pru' u' vu. Why shouldn't my husband continue in pursuing that mitzvah if he can in such a scenerio?

amother

Mon, May 20 2013, 4:04 pm

My husband would LOVE his father to remarry. (all the kids are out of the house) He is so lonely and calls ten times a day. It is very difficult to see how lonely and miserable he is. Sure, financially we might be better off if my fil stays single till he dies, but what a horrible thing to wish on him.

Raisin

Mon, May 20 2013, 4:07 pm

dee's mommy wrote:

In india widows are not supposed to remarry. Traditionally they were meant to throw themselves onto their husbands funeral pyres, I've heard of some sefardi cultures where women remarrying is not encouraged either.

Ruchel

Mon, May 20 2013, 4:11 pm

As a shadchanit it seems to me many kids don't want their parents to remarry but many adult "kids" do. Of course there's always the exception, and I know them too.

adding: if these are wealthy families they will often want only a chuppa, no civil wedding, so the spouse doesn't have legal rights to the money

PinkFridge

Mon, May 20 2013, 5:11 pm

Saw, I really get you and yes, I'm part of a ~~blendered~~ blended family (all sorts of settings out there, yes? Wink

. All that said, I would want him to (depending on what age we're talking about) with lots of input and guidance. That's all we can do.

saw50st8

Mon, May 20 2013, 8:40 pm

Clarissa wrote:

Its one dimensional to say "man doesn't want to be alone so he should marry."

I have been the child in a single family home and I saw the repercussions. Both positive and negative.

I hope my husband wouldn't be selfish enough to say "I want to get married and that's more important than making sure its the right thing for my kids."

PF, age of kids is critical with remarriage. I was so happy for my mother when she found someone good enough for her at the right point in our lives.

Clarissa

Mon, May 20 2013, 8:46 pm

I agree. It is about timing and who you choose and what they bring to the marriage and how old your kids are. I know a widower who had two young kids and they were thrilled when he remarried. I think when their mom was dying they felt very lost, their father travels a lot on business and they were used to having a woman at home. They fell in love with their stepmother. She didn't have kids of her own, so that made it easier. She and the father tried to conceive but it didn't happen.

I have a friend who wound up with an awful stepmother, who put her child first. My friend is still so hurt by it, and we're talking about someone (my friend) who's now in her early 60s.

So I guess whether it's good or not comes down to many factors. Everyone brings their own experiences to the table. In my case, as a remarried woman, I certainly bring that to the table, since I wouldn't have wanted to be alone, whether or not I had a child. It's complicated.

Anyway, just thinking aloud and rambling here.

rosenbal

Mon, May 20 2013, 10:44 pm

Obviously I would so my husband would have a normal, happy life. I would want it to be after a respectable amount of time though...I know I won't care since I won't be here (although I care now) , but a quick remarriage would be hard on my parents. Ditto my in-laws, if it was the other way around. With life insurance, lots of family emotional support etc, I think less than 2 years is really quick nowadays to remarry.

It was comforting what people here said about there being different kinds of love and being able to love twice without it taking away from the quality or love of either marriage.

One question that I have and have wondered about before...what happens by techiyas hameisim? It's so sad for me to think if the first spouse coming back and their ex spouse is with someone new. Or if everyone is long gone and everyone awakens, then what happens, which beloved wife gets to be with their husband:-( I know I should.be thinking, moshich, yay, all our problems will be solved...what about this one? Don't tll me that a man will be able to have multiple wives then please! In any case, it won't solve the problem of woman who had two beloved husbands whom she both loved..does she then pick her favorite one:-(

Clarissa

Mon, May 20 2013, 11:02 pm

rosenbal wrote:

I asked my current husband about that. He said my first husband can have me. Very Happy