Perfectionist. Aarghhhh!

amother

Thu, Jun 20 2013, 2:20 pm

This is totally getting to me. My 9 year old DS needs everything to be just so! I spend so much effort and money so that he has things to do, get craft kits etc. He's the type of child that makes everyone miserable when he's bored.

Well....... after all that he's usually unhappy all over again and cries and complains endlessly. Why? Because it's not perfect, something is out of the line, stuck in the wrong place, broke a little etc., and then it's the end of the world. I was almost thinking of putting this post in Women's Health because it's robbing my sanity.

I try to explain to him again and again that it doesn't need to be perfect to no avail.
What do you think I should do?!?

asp40

Thu, Jun 20 2013, 2:28 pm

I would stop giving in to his every whim. Stop trying to make things perfect. This is making it worse not better. He does not sound like a perfectionist - he sounds like a kid who always gets his way and is not happy when things do not go his way. He is young enough that you can turn this around.

amother

Thu, Jun 20 2013, 5:23 pm

OP here. He definitely does not have OCD and does not get whatever he wants. In general when I say 'no' he's okay with it. He's an otherwise obedient and sensible child. It's just when it comes to arts and crafts. Since he was really young he was always very careful to colour in the line and to stick stickers within the pre-printed border. He's very talented ka'h but gets extremely frustrated when things don't come out perfect. He always wants his things to be the nicest and best. Ever had such a child?

asp40

Thu, Jun 20 2013, 5:30 pm

But you are saying that he makes everyone miserable when he is bored, and that you spend so much effort so that he has things to do. That is giving in to his every whim. He needs to realize that he does not just get things because he is whiny when bored. All kids are whiny when bored. They need to learn how to play and amuse themselves.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Jun 20 2013, 5:40 pm

I am no expert but it sounds sensory and maybe Asperger's - but - am NOT a professional. You might as well rule that out by getting an evaluation.

You do say it isn't that he's just mean and spoiled.

Sensory distress hurts. You may learn ways to teach him to cope, and control his reaction to things. Asperger's people are often smart and happy by the way, but they react differently to things.

There are posters here who know about this.

imamom7

Thu, Jun 20 2013, 5:56 pm

I dont know but one of my kids is a perfectionist- I was told to talk a lot in the house how no one is perfect and nothing is perfect only hash-m is perfect- talk about how a tzaddik is someone who falls 7x and continues to retry (sheva yipol tzaddik vikam)make it a theme in the house- and make sure you're not perfectionistic about things (how hes dressed, how he cleans his room) etc

amother

Thu, Jun 20 2013, 6:18 pm

imamom7 wrote:

OP here. imamom7, I've said this so many times and keep doing so but... this is a case of one of the sheva yipol...

asp40, he's not always bored like this but has been recently. We've been going through a difficult time with me going through medical treatment and not being available for them as much as I'd like to or used to be. That's what makes the afternoon seem somewhat empty and boring hence me making all that effort to find things to occupy him. It's all the more frustrating when you go out of your way...

Keep the ideas coming...PLEASE!

Jewishmofm

Thu, Jun 20 2013, 8:32 pm

OP - I'm confused. It seems you're calling your child a perfectionist when this is not an always part of his makeup? when it's a new (possibly reactionary) problem. I would look into ways to reassure him that although you are not available right now (due to your own situation)it is temporary, etc. another poster brought up Asperger's which came to mind for me until I saw it was not his ongoing personality but a recent development. Aspergers is often related to anxiety, and what your DS is showing is his anxiety in a new unusual situation that he may not know much about. Keeping him entertained will not help, he's not bored, he's nervous and needy. Talk with him about what's going on! Reassure him that it's temporary, and his "full" mother will be back soon, etc. Let him ask questions etc to get it clear, and tell him what to expect in the coming days/weeks. Reassure him that whatever happens you can weather it together.
That will help him. As for helping you, can you find a teenager/family member to come over a few times a week to hang out with kids?

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Jun 20 2013, 8:45 pm

Subscribe to National Geographic magazine and make a place to keep all of them.

Have him go to a richly supplied magazine store and buy many scientific magazines such as Discovery and Astronomy. Subscribe to them all; there's a card inside to mail in.

Get the Edmund Scientific catalogue on the website and ask him to mark what things he wants in it. A set of various mounted rock samples would be good.

Google meteors and get a ctalogue of a place that sells little ones.

Get the Staples catalogue. Get a Jerry's Artarama catalogue. Let him pore over them. Make sure he has big pads of paper and lots of colored markers.

See if there are sources of models and paper constructions to build.

Have DH visit a hardware store and see what's there for him.

Go to alibris dot com website and get lots of cheap used books.

Get a tutor.

You have a smart kid.

genedelagoodgirl

Thu, Jun 20 2013, 8:52 pm

Maybe sign him up for a karate class or put him on a sports team such a baseball or football. That should keep him occupied, give him the opportunity to release his angst/frustrations in a healthy manner, and the exercise will increase endorphins so it will keep him happier longer. Plus, he'll learn that things cant always be perfect and being on a team will help him learn how to deal with that.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jun 21 2013, 4:16 am

amother wrote:

We've been going through a difficult time with me going through medical treatment and not being available for them as much as I'd like to or used to be.

BINGO.

It could be that he feels very out of control in his world, because you are ill and he is powerless to "fix you". Therefore he will try to compensate by being completely in control of something he knows he's good at, like art. IMHO, the bottom of all of this is anxiety, not OCD. He needs reassurance that you're going to be OK, and he needs you to spend a little more time with him. Not tons of time, but real quality time.

Once your treatments are over (G-d willing you should have a refuah sheleimah!) and the house gets back to normal, things should settle down again. If he continues to be anxious, a short bit of therapy might not be a bad idea. It could help him process his feelings about your illness.

June

Fri, Jun 21 2013, 5:05 am

Just an idea: I know someone whose dd was the perfectionist type when it came to arts and crafts, so she did some sort of modern art with her daughter with all different textures and colors randomly stuck onto a canvas. Her point was that it doesn't have to be perfect and it still looks nice.
Her dd learned a great lesson, and they now have a really beautiful, unique piece of art hanging in their guestroom.

chani8

Fri, Jun 21 2013, 5:54 am

Read "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk".

He sounds like he needs validation and hug. It sucks when things don't turn out the way we hoped they would.

I am not so verbal, so I just nod a lot. Yeah, it broke. Yeah, it's not perfect. Yeah, you're crying because you glued it in wrong. I just acknowledge what I 'see'. And offer consolation.

Just in case you don't understand what I mean, my yeah sounds a lot like, awe or awwwe.

Last edited by chani8 on Fri, Jun 21 2013, 5:58 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Fri, Jun 21 2013, 5:58 am

OP here. Thanks for all your advice ladies! I'm sorry for the confusion. The being extra bored is a new behaviour, not the perfectionism.

He's always been a perfectionist when it comes to arts and crafts but we don't do it that often. Being that I'm not available as much to do other things that I used to I have gotten him a collection of craft kits to fill his time with. I also have a high school girl coming over and we have been very reassuring and keep spending quality time with him.

I appreciate all those who addressed that point, but that's not really my question now. My question still is, how to deal with a perfectionist (one who's always been that way) and how to show him that a picture is beautiful despite the little hole in the design, and despite the little chip in the wood. I want him to complete things until the end and not throw it in the bin because of a little scratch. Some of your ideas are helpful, any more ideas?

Dolly Welsh

Fri, Jun 21 2013, 11:57 am

Have you considered professional evaluation of this child?

What you are doing is very constructive, but he's still unable to tolerate things he is going to have to tolerate, going further in life, and he isn't responding. It is probably because he can't.

It can't be fun for him to be so dissatisfied, so he would see it your way, if he could.

punchike

Sun, Jun 23 2013, 12:10 am

Offer him activities that don't give as much opportunity for perfectionism. like sports,something w music, games, reading, baking. Arts n crafts give him that avenue to create a masterpiece and to try to make it perfect. Games and activities on the other hand are about the experience and the fun, not a beautiful product.

ChaniH

Sun, Jun 23 2013, 12:37 am

[quote="FranticFrummie"]

amother wrote:

We've been going through a difficult time with me going through medical treatment and not being available for them as much as I'd like to or used to be.