Do you have to buy a gift?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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Peanut2

Sun, Jul 21 2013, 8:16 pm

Some people get invited to many weddings because they have a certain role, as a rabbi or teacher perhaps, kallah teacher, maybe as a mentor to yeshiva students of the right age. They are past the stage where all their friends are getting married, yet are invited to many weddings, beyond the normal level of family weddings. Do they have to get a gift?

I'm wondering this because I suddenly realize that there are people who simply attend many weddings like this and wonder whether they have to buy a gift. This could be a major financial hardship.

What about someone who teaches 6th grade girls and gets invited to all the bat mitzvahs, or 7th grade boys?

Thoughts?

notshanarishona

Sun, Jul 21 2013, 10:46 pm

First of all, I don't think anyone has to get a gift if they can't afford it.

In general, I think "community figure" type of people don't buy gifts unless it is someone they are very close too. Generally , someone like a high school teacher/ kallah teacher/ etc.. gives a lot more than a gift by being there for the family. I don't think it's expected (I don't remember getting a gift from kallah teacher, shul Rabbi ,etc.)

chocolate chips

Mon, Jul 22 2013, 5:50 am

I know some teachers who at the start of the year buy a batch of small gifts for their students (bar or bat mitzvah age) and give them something small on their birthday.
Others don't buy anything at all.

My father goes to a lot of weddings and bar mitzvahs and I don't think he buys anything, I don't think he is expected to as the Rabbi officiating at them.

My in laws also get invited to many simchas and my mil likes to get something small for each one. But she is usually close to the family at the simcha so it is a different situation.

Peanut2

Wed, Jul 24 2013, 5:26 pm

What do you do if you are in a an in-between position, though? Not the rabbi, but say a kallah teacher, or a seminary teacher or madricha in a seminary? Or worked in kiruv and/or mentored BTs?

Do you get something? Something small?

Weddings tend to come in major batches and if you get invited to a lot due to some sort of tafkid (not relatives/friends) - what do you do?

mummiedearest

Wed, Jul 24 2013, 5:35 pm

no, they don't buy a gift. if they really want to, they can write a card. if they are especially close with the baalei simcha, they can give a gift. but it's not considered a necessity at all.

zaq

Wed, Jul 24 2013, 7:31 pm

I wouldn't think so. The rav of a young congregation or a popular rebbe could easily go broke if he had to give even a token gift at every simcha he attended.

amother

Wed, Jul 24 2013, 8:28 pm

Our rabbanim, chosson/ kallah teachers, seminary teacher... did not give us a wedding presents.

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