Depressed at home | Imamother

amother

Wed, Aug 14 2013, 8:42 pm

I lost my job and still don't have a new one. I was pregnant and I gave up looking at around 35 weeks until the baby turned 3 months old. I'm glad I had a real "maternity leave" at least, that was a silver lining. But now I'm back to searching, and if pregnancy was an obstacle before, now I have to deal with having been unemployed for more than 6 months. It was a huge blow to my self-worth when I lost the job- it was something I really loved, and yes, it was a career (not particularly high powered or lucrative, but something I'm good at and passionate about). Now I'm home with 3 kids and I HATE it. I love my kids, but I'm not cut out for being a SAHM. I am definitely a better mother when I work, and I'm not going to apologize for that. I'm sick of being at home and I'm sick of hearing from people that I should be loving it and that it must be so nice not to be working. Nope- it's h*ll! I have no structure to my day, and just count the hours till nap, till DH gets home, till bedtime (which was NEVER the case when I worked). I'm at my wits' end. How do I cope until I land a job?

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Aug 14 2013, 8:58 pm

If you can tell a future job interviewer that you are doing chessed work on a schedule, reporting to somebody, and meeting standards, that will be helpful toward getting a job. It will mean you have not gone soft.

Maybe you could find an organization that can use some help. It shouldn't cost gas money, or take up too much time. But, you should be expected on time, in business looking clothes. Not high heels, just decent. You know what I mean.

If not that, find a way to help an old person on a schedule. That has no supervisor, but it will get you out of the house. You would probably benefit as much as the old person. You might make all the difference to somebody.

I completely understand that your day needs a shape, and that you need to be expected somewhere at a certain time, and to feel part of the world.

As you are both obviously highly educated, you might also consdider tutoring an adolescent girl in a family that has little time to give her special attention. Help her with language, math, or general homework.

As you have special expertise, see if any home schoolers near you can use this knowledge. Look online for homeschooling sites, and contact them for help in locating such families. Or, simply ask around. They might trade your instruction for helping you out in some way. Perhaps babysitting for you.

Do an inventory of what's in your head, and think about who might need it.

Ask not what's in it for you; remember you are the beneficiary.

fromnj

Wed, Aug 14 2013, 10:04 pm

I'm with you. My job ended in November and at first we were recovering from Sandy but at some point it is just boring! During school it was a little better because my kids had homework. I stopped working out when camp started and now my days have very little structure.

I agree with Dolly. You have to do something. I picked up a little freelance work. This is a big time of year for tzedakah. Can you make calls for an organization during nap time? Help some yeshiva put calendars in envelopes for its mailing?

bamamama

Wed, Aug 14 2013, 10:22 pm

I am a SAHM but I flounder with unscheduled days as well. When this happens, I make a weekly schedule with events, outings, and detailed times for activities. An example of my day with my kids (all under 7) follows. I use the times as a rough guide but you could be more strict if it suits your family. This helps me when I'm think 'ok, what should we do now?':

Thursday
8:00 Wake up - Kids play, mommy gets breakfast, does dishes
9:00 Breakfast sitting at table
9:30-10:00 craft time - colouring, painting, playdough, clay, beads, etc.
10:00 Mommy does laundry and tidies (makes beds, etc.). Kids play or continue with craft/activity.
11:30 Storytime
11:45 Kids watch a video while mommy makes lunch
12:00 Lunch
12:30 Kids finish video while mommy puts baby for nap
1:00 Kids play in yard while mommy watches (and knits, reads imamother, etc.)
3:00 Walk to the store and playground
5:00 Home - Mommy starts dinner
6:00 dinner
6:30 kids play outside or inside or watch another video (media junkies over here Wink

)
7:30 bedtime stories
8:00 bedtime

The next day might look totally different:
8:00 Wake up
9:00 breakfast
9:30-11:30 Beach!
11:45 Home to watch video while mommy makes lunch
12:00 lunch
12:30 kids finish video while mommy puts the baby for a nap
1:00 mommy catches up on housework while kids play
2:00 kids continue playing or are offered a self-directed activity (colouring, drawing, etc)
3:00 Walk to park to pick blackberries
4:00 garden work
4:30 Storytime
5:00 Home - Mommy starts dinner
6:00 dinner
6:30 kids play outside or inside or watch another video (media junkies over here Wink

)
7:30 bedtime stories
8:00 bedtime

self-actualization

Thu, Aug 15 2013, 11:19 am

I had this back in Nov 2011 through May 2012. It was a dark time for me - I really thrive when I am working and I am much more organized, energetic, etc. Also my marriage dynamics were out of whack (even though the money aspect ended up being okay). Every morning I exercised by running on the treadmill, then showered, dressed and davened. Whenever it was nice weather I took my two little kids out for a long walk in the double stroller. I also loaded lots of talks and shiurim onto my iPhone so that I could listen to these during the walks. I tried to make the most of my time with my kids (when else would I ever have a chance to set up a lemonade stand with them in the early afternoon and distribute lemonade to the neighbors?)

Two other things kept me going - one was going on interviews and the other was the natural rhythm of the Jewish year. I spent at least an hour every day sending resumes, searching for jobs and speaking to recruiters. Whenever I had an interview, I paid a babysitter and dressed up and went into the city. I actually had a standby babysitter that was working for someone else and the family agreed that I could drop off my kids and pay the babysitter when I needed to. That was pretty crucial for the job search.

Regarding the Jewish year - it's punctuated by lots of things to focus on. First there was winter vacation for the kids, then Purim, and then the biggie - Pesach. These holidays gave me things to work on and focus on which distracted me from my misery.

Looking back I have one regret - I was feeling so tight about the money that I didn't allow myself any luxuries such as babysitting when not on an interview, exercise classes, cleaning help, etc. It was a mistake because now the time is gone and won't come back and here I could have had an awesome 6 months off instead of a miserable 6 months off. [Think of it like shidduchim, l'havdil - would you want to have traveled or sat in your room and moped ... IY"H the episode of unemployment will pass soon.]

A huge warning - don't fall into a trap that makes you unemployable, such as - "I am getting used to picking up Chani from school at 3 pm, and therefore I can no longer look for a full time job" or "If I only make X dollars I will spend it all on child care so it's not worth it." These are dangerous traps and take women out of the workforce for many years unnecessarily.