My Child is Her Own Person and Not an Extension of Myself

amother

Wed, Nov 06 2013, 6:40 pm

I'm looking for some tips on how to accomplish giving my child independence, showing her that I respect her privacy, and last but not least, learning how to keep things from her and not have her listen to all of my affairs.
I am having such a hard time. I am so used to talking about anything and everything in front of her and I do not realize the consenquences as I am speaking.
In addition, I end up speaking about her to others in front of her, which is disrespectful of her privacy.
She is growing up, and I have to remember that. She is not a baby who I can speak in front of.
And I am thinking that maybe I just don't see her as her own independant person, and just as an extension of myself.
I need some guidance, something that can help me remember appropriate bounderies in these areas.
Did any of you go through this? If you have experience and can help me I would appreciate if you can chime in here.

amother

Wed, Nov 06 2013, 8:19 pm

amother wrote:

OP, read your post. You gave yourself guidance. IMHO.

OP here.
I have identified the problem in the post, that it true. The fact that I do not remember all of the above while I speaking.
But I am looking for tips to remember, tips for a solution.
I have been unsuccessful in guiding myself.

amother

Wed, Nov 06 2013, 11:08 pm

You could be my mom! She means well, but talks a LOT. To everyone.
I am a private person. I always felt like my mom didn't "get" me. To protect myself, I built walls.
I became very good at making her think I was sharing things with her, but I made sure that she never knew the deeper things that I cared about. I tried communication, but she just couldn't change, so I gave up.
I think she still thinks we are close, but I never open my mouth to tell her something without thinking twice.
Do you want that kind of relationship with your DD? shock

Shopmiami49

Thu, Nov 07 2013, 2:20 am

OP, at a certain point, I realized my 3 year old dd (a year and half ago) got annoyed or frustrated when I was shmoozing with the neighbors and mentioned a cute thing she said or did. She would tug at my skirt and say "Mommy!!! I don't want you to say it!" That was my cue and I have paid attention ever since. If dd is around and I want to tell over something cute to her morah, dh, my parents, I always ask her first if it's ok. "Sweetheart, can I tell Tatty that cute thing you said this morning about the cereal?" Sometimes she says yes and sometimes she says no. And when it's no, I respect it (even though I am burstign inside with wanting to tell over her cuteness lol )

I think a good start is to ask her permission if you want to say something about her while she is there. And respect what she says. You don't mention how old she is, but I assume it's older than 5-6. Eventually, I would work my way up to not talking about her at all, unless it's necessary (asking for advice, medical issue, etc.) and even then, it should be with disgression and respect to her. After all, she is her own person and deserves at least that much.

You sound like a great mom, by the way! Kol hakavod to you for workign on this!

FranticFrummie

Thu, Nov 07 2013, 2:53 am

OP, you are an awesome mom just for being aware of the issue, and wanting to work on it!

My DD is very smart, always has been. She sees everything, hears everything, and REMEMBERS EVERYTHING! That alone has really taught me to watch myself. The rule in our house is, if you don't want to hear it repeated back to you, don't say it in front of DD. She's a parrot! Not only that, she'll start discussing YOUR personal business in front of other people, too. If you do it to her, she won't see a problem with doing it also. embarrassed

It's really hard when your child comes across as very mature for their age. It's so easy to think of her as a little adult, and not a child who need to just be a normal kid. Practice empathy (and yes, it is something that takes practice) so you can remember to put yourself in her shoes. Encourage her to tell you if she's ever uncomfortable about anything you are saying or doing.

How old is your daughter? Each age will have it's own challenges. DD doesn't care if I see her in the bathtub, but she freaks out if I kiss her when her friends are over, or call her "kidlet" or "pumpkin". As your DD matures, she'll have her boundaries, and those lines will move around a lot. Just keep checking in, and keep the communication going.

Hug

amother

Fri, Nov 08 2013, 1:07 am

amother wrote:

OP here. Thank you for this. Frank but not mean.
If anyone else can share I would appreciate it. I need to be shocked into action. I need help remembering all this every hour of every day.