I don't think we can ever truly reciprocate

amother

Thu, Nov 14 2013, 11:58 am

We have a few kids. Dh's brother and SIL have not had any in several years of marriage. B'H they are finally expecting and everyone is thrilled. Anyway, they have been incredibly doting to their many nieces and nephews- buying really nice birthday and Channukah gifts, often showing up with little gifts "just because", and always thinking of which particular child would like what, taking older kids on fun outings etc. I am afraid that we will not be able to reciprocate on that level. Sure, we will buy a nice baby gift, birthday gifts etc, but I don't think we can swing random gifts every time we get together. They've spent so much money on ours and other siblings' kids, money that we can never hope to be able to spend because, well, kids are expensive! I imagine they will tone it down once their child arrives, but I still feel guilty for all the years they doted on our children and how we can never really give back at that level. How can we reasonably make it up to them?

greenfire

Thu, Nov 14 2013, 12:03 pm

gifts are not tit-for-tat ... people who gift do it out of love ...

if you feel the need to reciprocate ... do something for the family like invite them over & make a nice dinner

and as you stated ... you're just in different stages ... life & monetary abilities change once you have kids ...

Notsobusy

Thu, Nov 14 2013, 12:20 pm

I was in a slightly different situation, where my older siblings where married quite a bit before me and had kids right away. I was that fun, giving aunt. But once I had kids, my older, more experienced siblings were able to help so much with advice, I almost always called my older sister first before the doctor, because whatever happened to my kids had happened to hers at least once. They were also able to supply me with their older kids as babysitters. So they gave back in other ways.

Jewishmofm

Thu, Nov 14 2013, 12:30 pm

We all give where we can when we can. One sis is very organized, has helped over the years with simchos, etc. I'm the one who will watch everyone's kids when we're together at my mothers. (shabbos afternoons, my sis and bros and in-laws get to nap, I stay up). My sis in law helps my mother with cooking, and my bro does shopping . . . it's not tit for tat at all - we all just do what we do best or what we can see needs doing for each other.

amother

Thu, Nov 14 2013, 12:32 pm

I was in a similiar situation, I was the youngest and spoiled my nieces and nephews. when I finally had my first my siblings were not so giving it all. I advise you that if you cannot buy gifts all the time then shower their baby with tons of attention and be into their kids. you will never be able to repay the gifts but being there for them and making a big deal out of their children eventhough you don't care so much because you have your own would be the right thing.

MMCH

Thu, Nov 14 2013, 1:56 pm

its not abt money or presents!!
youll see your going to be so happy for ur siblings you will shower this kid with tons of love and attention!!
and plus, you could be that aunt who always takes ur nieces on trips w ur family, or bring them to ur house after school, or take them so ur sibs can get away for a night.

dont worry, you could show ur love in so many ways other than gift giving

im the youngest of many siblings, and spent my elementary,high school, seminary, college, and dating years helping, taking, spoiling my nieces and nephews... did they 'pay me back" no.
but my older brother takes my daughter every sunday,
my sister buys my kids their headbands, and takes them on cool chol hamoed trips.

imasinger

Thu, Nov 14 2013, 3:31 pm

There may come a time when your kids are grown and theirs are still at home when you as an empty nester and/or bubbie can make extra time for teen nieces and nephews.

That could make a huge impact both to mother and to children.

bubbebia

Thu, Nov 14 2013, 3:41 pm

Everyone else has really hit the nail on the head. Just because you can't reciprocate monetarily, doesn't mean you can't shower your new niece/nephew with lots of love-and cookies. Be the "Cookie Tanta". It will be your job to shower him/her with his/her favorite kind of cookies. And it also gets mom off the hook for making them! Seriously (and I was serious about the cookies too), just your love and support will be sufficient. That's all that's really important in the long run.

tsiggelle

Thu, Nov 14 2013, 5:34 pm

greenfire wrote:

I agree except for the last point. Being before kids or being parents doesn't automatically show if you are more /less financially well-off.