Top Five Things Not to Say to Parents of Molested Children

amother

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 2:04 pm

The last few threads on this topic have been abhorrent. Maybe this post will help shed some light.

1. Why aren't you calling the police, don't you care about your child? Don't you care about other children?

Think about whether you'd say this to a rape victim. If someone posted here that she was a victim of a horrible rape, would you start yelling about why doesn't she call the police and why doesn't she care about other victims? No, you would not. You would support her, try to understand her reluctance, and give her a hotline number.

That's what mothers of molested children need too. There are many reasons not to call the police. Maybe you are worried about traumatizing your child even further with investigations and court cases and invasive exams and public humiliation. Maybe you know your child and you know she won't be able to handle that emotionally. Maybe the abuser is your son and it's not so easy to call the cops on your own child. Maybe you know that calling the police won't help because the child is a minor and, from past experience, you know they won't do anything about it. Stop judging and place yourself in that parent's shoes. And then realize that, despite how self-assured you are, you have no idea what you would really do when faced with this horror.

2. Your daughter/son is going to be traumatized for life.

Maybe she will. And maybe she won't. It depends on so many things- the child's age, resilience level, the length and extent of abuse, etc. A parent doesn't need to hear her child will always be a victim- it's just fear mongering. Especially when you don't know any details about the situation other than what the parent tells you. Many kids grow up and are relatively fine- telling a parent otherwise is really no different than telling a parent with a physically- delayed child that he or she will be a cripple for the rest of her life.

3. Ignore your family and rabbis.

Easier said than done. And not always best for the child. Yes, parents should always make their child's safety their number one priority. But if the parent's conduct will result in the child losing their entire family and support system, a wise parent will consider all her options before acting.

4. I was abused when I was a child and you are a horrible parent.

It's very hard not to project, but you need to try. Not one situation is identical to another and your trauma is not necessarily replicated here. Kids are all different, parents are all different. Don't assume that whatever happened to you will be this child's fate, and certainly don't assume the parent is just as cowardly/inept/lazy as your's was. If your personal triggers are activated by the post, don't respond. Have a cup of tea, read a magazine, and forget about the thread for a while.

5. This happened to you because you sent your child to this school/ you live in this community/you wear these kinds of these clothes/ you did this and this aveira.

Sometimes people just say these things straight out and I have no words for those people.

Others make little comments here and there and imply that it was the parent's fault. OMG, how could you have let them play in the same room! That's why I always watch my children like a hawk! No offense, but what about hilchos yichud- did you forget those halachos?

Again, would you say these things to a rape victim? Would you say, OMG that's why I never go out with guys or go to parties or walk alone at night? Stop blaming the victim.

In general, when a parent is asking advice on this, it's a horrible situation all around. They have just been hit by a truck and they are overwhelmed and trying to get some clarity and figure out what to do first, what to do second, etc. Your hasty and hysterical comments are the last thing the parent needs.

And, most of all, be careful with your judgements - you don't know what you would do in that situation. You might think you know, but when it actually happens, you won't know.

amother

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 4:14 pm

I am the OP of the other thread where my bil abused my dd. All of these things were said to me there at least once, except I don't remember number 5. Yeah, they weren't helpful.

But in case anyone is curious, I called the SOVRI hotline and spoke to a wonderful woman who was extremely helpful in figuring out how to deal with the situation. Tonight we will put the first step of our plan in progress.

However, I thought everyone should know that reporting my bil would do nothing. She said that at his age, what he did is not considered s-xual assault, it's just inappropriate. He needs help and will hopefully get it, but is not a criminal, even if we would go to the police. Just for all those very helpful people out there who insisted that I must go to the police or else. And that I'm the worst kind of mother. And all the other things listed on this thread.

Success10

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 6:17 pm

amother wrote:

It's a good thing you're type of person who thinks before she acts. We've been thinking of you and your family, I think with the right guidance you're all going to be fine, IY'H.

Barbara

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 6:31 pm

amother wrote:

I'm sorry for what your daughter went through.

But AIUI, you're just plain dead wrong that no action would be taken against an adolescent (IIRC he was about 13) offender. Perhaps he would not be charged as an adult. The term used might not be "z3xual assault." But action would be taken.

Do you really believe that if he had been a complete stranger who committed this act against your daughter in the park, the police would have said, "Ma'am, we know about that. He's already done that to 4 other girls in your community. But hey, he's just a juvenile. We don't do anything about that. If I were you, I'd keep your kids away from him, because as far as we're concerned, its A-OK if he does that to all the little girls."

But FTR, yes, I have told a friend who was raped (by her estranged husband) that she needed to report it to the police.

amother

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 11:22 pm

Barbara wrote:

amother wrote:

The above happened to me. My daughter was molested/penetrated by an adolescent and I called the police and they did nothing because the offender was a young teen. All they did was call CPS and told them to deal with it. CPS did a bunch of interviews and then recommended counseling.

So no, she is not "dead wrong"- that's how some places are.