spinoff from neglecting babies thread-- coping vs not coping

amother

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 9:49 pm

If you had 2 kids under 2, did you cope well? did you have trouble coping? how long did it take to learn to manage with them both?
did you have depression and that was why you couldnt cope? or were you perfectly healthy emotionally, yet still couldnt cope?
did you have experience with large families, and did that help?

personally, I had 2 under 18 months, and learned to cope within a month or so. no depression at all, BH, but also was raised in a large family so it was all familiar.

the world's best mom

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:00 pm

I am from a large family, and I used to babysit almost every night. I also used to help out families with twins and triplets every night. I also used to be a preschool teacher.

I had my first 2 kids 14 months apart from each other and I did not cope very well. I was not depressed, but I was struggling. Maybe because my kids have special needs, but I had a very hard time multitasking 24/7. I started coping better when they were 2 and 3, just in time for ds to be born and scream all day and tear every last bit of coping to shreds. His special needs were worse than the others. But B"H I began to cope when he turned 1 year old and stopped making me hold him every single second of every single day. Daily life is much better now, B"H.

amother

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 10:11 am

I coped but I never felt I had my act under control. My kids are grown, and happy, B"H. I didn't have experience wtih kids. I left my kids at the babysitter for extra hours to get things done at home. I wish I would have got extra help in house and had them home more but like I said, they're ok. They have great memories, lots of trips to parks, lots of cookies always in the house, and not feeling terribly deprived.

I don;t know if this is encouraging or discouraging but if you knew my kids you'd feel the former. I think.

rainbow dash

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 12:24 pm

my first 2 were 21 months apart and I made sure that DS was in playgroup. He was there form 8 30 till 1. After he came home we all had a nap then went to the park for 2 hrs.Home and bath and bed.

I think having a schedule helps a lot.

I wasnt brought up in a large family. My brother is 5 yrs older then me and there is only the 2 of us.

amother

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 12:44 pm

I grew up in a small family with siblings spread wide apart. It was because my mom had fertility issues and I was brought up with her yearning for a large family. I had no experience myself, so when I had my first 2 18 months apart I was in for a rude awakening. I'm normally a strong person who has overcome many challenges but this was a new crazy. Those first 6 months were the hardest and loneliest of my life. Everyone around me seemed to have been having their first 2 so close together, and no one spoke about the hardships of it. My second child was a challenging baby with some health and behavioral issues, and is still my most difficult one so it compounded everything. Upon reflection, I must have went through some low-grade depression in the first year just because it was so hard and I was ashamed to admit how hard it was on me. I coped but barely. My marriage went through a downer that first year and it was all a blur. I refused to send my oldest to a playgroup for fear of admitting defeat, as she was young and I was an idealist in children staying home with their mother in their younger years. In retrospect, I should have sent her out and gotten some cleaning help to alleviate the burden. I would have been much happier. At the end of that year, I started working and it was such a welcome change for me. Needless to say, I spaced out my others much longer and I am less harsh on myself. I'm much happier admitting to my limitations and I make a much better wife and mother. I tell all young mothers I come across to take it easy on themselves and show them compassion because I feel that many are too hard on themselves.

amother

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 1:38 pm

My two are 19 months apart. My baby is 5 months now and I have days that are incredibly difficult to get through (like today). Neither of my kids sleep well - the 2 year old still wakes up for hours some nights and then the baby takes his turns on other nights so it feels like I don't sleep for weeks. I work a lot of hours and have NO downtime in my schedule except after my kids go to sleep and by then I'm exhausted. My 2-year old is very demanding and sensitive and there are days when he alone would be more than I can take. My baby is actually, THANK G-D, very easy but he's still a baby and I don't enjoy the baby stage much at all. I don't think I have post-partum depression; I just think I am in a difficult situation right now and I keep hoping and telling myself it will get better. I sound miserable - I'm not really so horrible but honestly, it's tough. There are days when I don't think I'll make it through.

I do think, if you have the means, having help makes a difference. If I would leave my kids at their babysitters longer or get cleaning help, it would make my life easier.

amother

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 3:10 pm

My two are 20 months apart. They both are angels, but I had a very hard time due to my own issues - hormonal misbalance, shalom bayis problems. I also had certain expectations that didn't confirm which took me a long time to adjust to. It was hard for all of us. the gap with the next child is 30 months ans it was much easier.

Jewishmofm

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 5:45 pm

um. from a large family, at the top end, used to babies, etc . . . but not used to hormonal swinging! No amount of babysitting, diaper changing, laundry,cooking etc. that I did do before could prepare for parenting. I ran daycamps every summer for 20-30 preschool age boys without batting an eyelash. I babysat (at home and away) at least once a week, and did Bnos on shabbos. By the time I hit seminary, my neighbors had a rosy future for me as a teacher/mother painted, because I was so patient and so "got it' with their kids. Enter children of my own and *gasp* I feel like I lost that self. I can be a screaming, inert mess on the couch and can let the laundry and stuff pile up. I cannot always wrap my head around what my kids need. (emotionally, physically, clean underwear). Sometimes I cope, sometimes I wonder where the train is that hit me.
Somehow, my kids are generally fed, generally washed, and generally happy. I find that though they may not be happy in the moment, they're memories are awesome in that they remember good stuff . . . and hardly remember the stuff that got them down at the time it happened.