why does it bother me so much when my kids don't listen?

amother

Tue, Jan 14 2014, 9:59 am

I was thinking to myself this question and at first I thought it was because it was a power thing, but then I thought about it some more and realized it's not. I'm not interested in overpowering them or anyone else. It's more of a lack of respect thing. I feel that I give them respect. I listen when they talk, I don't tell others about them, etc... This is any age. I don't tell them crazy things, just normal things. Mad

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Jan 14 2014, 11:24 am

Yes, completely normal. Definitely feel the same way. I'm working on myself to recognize that they're kids, it's normal for them to try to rebel, to try to exert their independence, etc.

At the same time...
1) You obviously need to show them that it's not okay, that they should listen. This is a long-term goal, though, and we (speaking to myself here) need to realize that it's not going to happen right away, that they'll still test.

2) You need to make sure that you think before you ask them to do things, give them choices to make them feel more powerful, etc.

3) See if you can teach them how to ask you respectfully for a change. Like "If you say nicely, 'Mommy, can I come after I finish this page/game/whatever,' then I might be able to say yes. If you just ignore me, I won't be able to let you wait."

Good luck! Parenting is HARD! Find a support group, online, on the phone, or moms who live nearby...You can do it!

Hashem_Yaazor

Tue, Jan 14 2014, 11:31 am

I think a lot of us get stuck in the martyr, sacrificial mom stage -- we do so much for our children, why can't they give back to us?

We come to resent this because we're burnt out.

Change your focus. Respect not only your kids, but respect you for you. Show your kids you are a priority to yourself. Besides helping with the lack of appreciation because you appreciate yourself by taking the time to nourish yourself, it will also model for your kids that you are someone to be respected. Why should they respect you if you don't respect yourself?

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jan 14 2014, 12:06 pm

I wish I could give you more than one hug!

This is a universal thing, as old as the beginning of time.

The trick is, you can't take it personally. Kids are designed to slowly see themselves as separate from their parents. The fact that your kids are asserting their own personalities is a GOOD thing, it means that they feel safe with you, and are free to try on different attitudes (no matter how obnoxious they may be). A frightened, compliant, submissive child is not a healthy child.

From the first time a child looks you in the eye and says "NO!", they are on the way to becoming a healthy adult. Look at the traits they are showing now, and imagine how they will help your child in the future. A stubborn child will insist on a raise in salary, a confident child will not stay with an abusive partner, a fearless child will work for Hatzolah. A child who kicks and screams and thrashes is far less likely to be abducted!

Your job is to take these traits and steer them into appropriate outlets. Don't squash them, but let your child know when is the right time and place to express these traits. Remember, Hashem made your children like this for a reason. It's the concept of "planting and building". Your child is like a grape vine. Sometimes you have to prune back a bit, sometimes you have to give them an arbor for support, and sometimes you have to help the vines wrap around that arbor. Know when to fertilize with love, and when to prune without anger.

And don't forget to fasten your seatbelt, because it's a bumpy ride!

Hug

granolamom

Tue, Jan 14 2014, 2:17 pm

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

I really liked that post. so true.