My husband doesn't know how to handle our kids

amother

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 9:34 am

I feel like my husband cant handle our kids. He doesn't see them much during the week but I have a new baby and I wake up to nurse so if any of the other kids wake up during the night, its his job. The problem starts when its the toddler who wakes up because he is very very attached to me and cries that he only wants mommy. I cant phsyically take care of him at night because of the new baby so my husband tries even though dc cries. Instead of soothing and distracting like I might try, he tends to play games and get teh kid all riled up so that he has a very hard time calming down and I anyway have to get up and step in.

With our older kids too. His method of discipline is to yell and drag the kid to a potentially dangerous place - on top of a piece of furniture where they have to climb down or jump off. I feel like this is borderline abusive and have asked him not to do this but he keeeps doing it - I guess he doesn't have another trick up his sleeve. When I do try to discuss this with him and talk about options like therapy, parenting classes, parenting books, anything! he turn the conversation around and starts to point out where I have to improve as a parent. I know im not a perfect parent, nobody is, but how do I get through to him? How do we get on the same page? I feel so uncomfortable when he disciplines because I feel like he's going about it all wrong. Even though I do most of it so occasionally I do need him to step in.

chatz

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 1:24 pm

Mazal tov on the new baby.

I think there's a few separate issues here.

Different parenting styles - I think it's totally ok for parents to have different parenting styles as long as you don't contradict each other and will back up each other. Mommy cuddles in the nighttime, Daddy sends back to bed. Mommy chooses my clothes for me, Daddy lets me choose whatever I want to wear. There is no one right way to parent.

If your husband is dealing with them in a certain way that you don't agree with but is safe - leave it. Express appreciation that he is taking care of the nighttime wakeups or whatever.

I read this short article some time back and it's stayed with me: http://www.chabad.org/blogs/bl.....y.htm

However, you're also describing unsafe behavior on his part and defensiveness. This may be a reaction to your behavior or not... Would he listen if you tell him that X (specific action) is dangerous but you don't try to push him therapists or books or theories? Just let him find his own (safe) parenting style?

Hatzlacha!

amother

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 3:53 pm

OP here. I agree that its totally normal for parents to have different parenting styles. The article was informative but not the issue that I am dealing with. The problem is that my husbnad's style doesnt seem to work at all. Every time he interacts with the kids they end up crying. He is rough with them. Today he wanted to wash out one the kids' mouths with soap because he was chutzpadik. I think that is abusive. The kids are afraid of him and dont like when he takes care of them. Because of that I end up doing everything around the house and feeling extreemly guilty when I do ask him to step in. And every time I ask him to think about his parenting he gets defensive and wont acknowledge that there may be a problem.

harriet

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 4:07 pm

Can you try writing him a letter outlining some of your concerns (ie being too tough on the kids), why you think they are important (ie it's getting in the way him building the positive relationship with the kids that you are sure he wants to-and is capable of forming) and some solutions (ie parenting classes, therapy, etc)? Be sure to include tons of positives and that you believe in him etc.

With someone who gets defensive, a letter is sometimes a good option because a) their defensiveness doesn't cut the conversation short (because it's all written out already), b) they can read and digest it away from you and try to come to terms with the issues and c) you can be really sure to start and end with reassurances and positives etc to try to keep them from becoming defensive. . .

Good luck!