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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Sun, Mar 02 2014, 1:29 pm

I have a family relative that always says the same thing and it really weirds me out.

"Wow, your kids are k''ah beautiful! You and your husband do good work!"

Always the same "GOOD WORK!"

It really weirds me out. Note that they are NOT commenting on my children's behaviour - that I can say would mean that they think I am being a good parent. But no, they always attach the comment to my children's looks.

I have heard that the level of love between a husband and wife when a child is conceived, is what determines the level of beauty/chein in a child?? Perhaps the fact that I heard this somewhere is why I feel so weirded out when he says this - Oh and of course it is a guy making this comment.

Have you ever had someone say this to you??

Maya

Sun, Mar 02 2014, 1:31 pm

People have told me that my husband and I must have a good "recipe" because our kids are so pretty. It's just so weird, and I never know what to think of such people.

greenfire

Sun, Mar 02 2014, 1:37 pm

try not to think too much into it ... they're not imagining anything

greenfire

Sun, Mar 02 2014, 1:40 pm

there's a story about a teacher that is making reference to how Hashem created the whole world ... he made you & me ...

one kindergarten kid pipes up & says ... nuh uh - my mommy said my tatty helped her make me !!! Silly

zaq

Sun, Mar 02 2014, 2:57 pm

You ladies think too much. Yes, of course people have said this to me, and the correct response is "thank you, we like them, too" or "thank you, we've decided to keep them" or "thank you, they're not for sale." or if you're trying to be modest "Thank you, but the credit goes to my good-looking hubster" or "thank you, but the credit goes to the kadosh baruch Hu" or just plain "thank you" if humorous repartee is not your style. It's stam an innocuous comment meant to be cute. The people aren't thinking anything deep and dark or weird. Don't you people have any sense of humor?

Lady Godiva

Sun, Mar 02 2014, 3:18 pm

I've heard that, too.
People are just trying to be nice and funny at the same time. Like a compliment alone would be too heavy or serious, so it's diffused with a joke or some humor.

I don't believe that anything inappropriate is meant by that comment.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Mar 02 2014, 3:25 pm

Reply "all is from Hashem". There is no reply to that.

It is probable they don't mean harm. It is possible they are a bit simple in some social way.

You may have to put up with this.

Don't hurt their feelings.

You might consider giving something to tzedakah after hearing this. It doesn't have to be much.

Dandelion1

Sun, Mar 02 2014, 5:17 pm

zaq wrote:

The hug was from me to say thank you! I don't think this could be said any better! I have a relative who reads all sorts of things into these light hearted statements. Op, take the lovely compliment.... I can only imagine that it is meant in the nicest of ways!

chocolate chips

Sun, Mar 02 2014, 6:11 pm

Reminds me of when my dh called one of his brothers to tell him we were pregnant with my first, a few months after our wedding and he told dh "wow you worked well!" LOL

It is a bit of a weird comment but I wouldn't think too much into it. Take it as a compliment that you have good shalom bayis, you love each other and your genes mix to make beautiful kids ka"h.

zaq

Sun, Mar 02 2014, 6:25 pm

"nice work" is a pretty standard congratulatory comment, and IME is used more by males than by females. I think Lady G nailed it: they feel uncomfortable gushing over engagements, weddngs, babies and other "feminine" things, so they use a more humorous approach.

observer

Sun, Mar 02 2014, 6:29 pm

Yes, we've been told that... "Wow, beautiful k'ah.... you, your husband, and Hashem did a good job!"

Ruchel

Mon, Mar 03 2014, 2:54 am

Good job, good recipe... it's an old fashioned joke. It's not even meant tobe s-xual. But I don't really like it either, especially repeated and repeated.

Once a DOCTOR asked us if we lost the instruction booklet when we said we were TTC dc2. THAT s*cked.

smss

Mon, Mar 03 2014, 2:55 am

Ruchel wrote:

Once a DOCTOR asked us if we lost the instruction booklet when we said we were TTC dc2. THAT s*cked.

amother

Mon, Mar 03 2014, 5:39 am

When I was about 12, my single 19 year old high school teacher asked my mom, 'How did you make such a wonderful girl?' I'm sure she didn't realize the connotations. My mom did, though, and replied 'the same way as everyone else!'

It's no secret that both mother and father contribute to the genetics of a child - and I don't think alluding to that is a problem. Otherwise it would be awkward to ever comment that a child looks like it's parents. Good work just means that the child turned out well - a good finished product. How it got made in the first place is not what they're thinking.

My dad actually congratulated my husband on getting me pregnant - I think he said 'Well done, good on you' or something like that. He's not Jewish, and in his world, that's a totally normal comment to make!

amother

Mon, Mar 03 2014, 11:43 am

Thanks for all the replies.

I guess it is just a constant thing, and to have a man say that to me, over and over again - "what beautiful kids, you guys do good work!" - it just gets nauseating. And he is a strange person to begin with - a lot of his comments are borderline inappropriate. I usually just smile in response.
I don't mind people saying how beautiful my kids are, or about how they look like a spitting image of me and/or my husband, but to even imply anything about the process that brought them here, just gives me an ewey feeling. Maybe I wouldn't feel so weird about a woman saying it to me (or a man saying it to DH), but a man saying it to me - a woman - just ich.

zaq

Mon, Mar 03 2014, 5:13 pm

OP, it's sounding more and more as if what rattles you is not really the comment itself but the person making it. If you get an unpleasant feeling about a person, trust your instincts. I understand your discomfort now--there used to be a single, middle-aged man in my area who was always going on and on about how superlative my children were, every.single.time our paths crossed, and sometimes his remarks also skirted the edges of propriety. They were not out and out face-slappable, but just the merest hint, the sort of thing you're not sure if the dirty mind is yours or his, and you hope that if you pretend ignorance, he'll assume you didn't understand what he was implying. He made my skin crawl and I wanted to throw a giant burqa over myself and especially over my children to shield them from his view. B"H he eventually left the area.

Is there any way you can avoid this guy's company? Is he your relative or dh's? Have you confided your feelings to your dh or your parents? If you haven't, you probably should. I don't think I have to tell you to keep your eyes peeled when he's around and keep both yourself and your dc as far away from him as possible.

amother

Mon, Mar 03 2014, 7:27 pm

chocolate chips wrote:

Reminds me of when my dh called one of his brothers to tell him we were pregnant with my first, a few months after our wedding and he told dh "wow you worked well!" LOL

It is a bit of a weird comment but I wouldn't think too much into it. Take it as a compliment that you have good shalom bayis, you love each other and your genes mix to make beautiful kids ka"h.

yeah, I can relate. dh's very close friend , when told about our first pregnancy really early on after we were married only a couple months, said, wow, good job, that was fast, you always did like to do things in a hurry didnt you... Rolling Eyes

amother

Tue, Mar 04 2014, 10:24 am

Quote:

THIS!!!
OP here - yes, it is my family Rolling Eyes

(but he married in) and yes, I have always done exactly how you have said (wondered whose mind is perverted, just pretend ignorance etc.) Yes, I try not to be around him more than I have to..., but there is only so much you can limit with family. My family agrees that he is strange... Thanks for the validation!!!

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