Am I wrong? Shabbos invites...

amother

Wed, Mar 05 2014, 2:58 pm

What is an acceptable amount of time to expect someone to respond to a shabbos invite? Last week, I texted someone on Monday morning. She didn't text back anything - no "thanks so much, I'll get back to you," nothing. I have to shop for Shabbos on Wednesday afternoons after work, so when I hadn't heard back from her by then, I figured she and her husband weren't coming. She texts me back Wednesday at 8 PM saying they want to come. So I responded that I had already shopped and since I hadn't heard from her, I figured they weren't coming, so we would have to do it another time.

Was I wrong? I felt like I was maybe being mean, and I know people have busy schedules, but I feel like 24 hours (and this was much more than that) is plenty of time to give someone a chance to respond to a shabbos invite. This happens on a semi-regular basis and I just think it's kind of rude and reeks of "looking for a better invite."

How do you usually handle it?

nyer1

Wed, Mar 05 2014, 3:13 pm

I think you handled it okay. as long as you weren't rude when you said it.
I probably would have said the same thing.

on the other hand, I make really yummy shabbos food, but my main dishes really SIMPLE. anything fancy (all the sides) in advance like on sunday and freeze them. I'm pretty prepared for last minute guests that way, so if someone decides to ask me last minute if they can come, I'm almost never in a position to turn someone down. it becomes pretty easy for me to just throw in an extra piece of chicken or two

good times

Wed, Mar 05 2014, 3:17 pm

next time when you invite for shabbos, let them know that you would like to know by a certain time that way it is clear from the beginning. I also shop early but many shop on thurs so wed night is not late according to their schedule.

allthingsblue

Wed, Mar 05 2014, 3:18 pm

I definitely don't think you were wrong or rude, but maybe you could have texted her on Wednesday morning saying something like, "I am going shopping for Shabbos this afternoon and would like to know if you're coming. If it doesn't work out this week, we'd love to have you another week."

Raisin

Wed, Mar 05 2014, 3:39 pm

I don't think wednesday night is an unreasonable amount of time. Of course, its within your right to say its too late. But next time you invite someone say, can you come for shabbos? Please let me know by tuesday night if you are coming so I can plan accordingly.

AlwaysThinking

Wed, Mar 05 2014, 3:41 pm

I think Wednesday night is acceptable to confirm a shabbos invite unless told otherwise.

I do agree with the other posters that maybe you should give them a deadline if you need to know by a certain point, or call on the day you plan to go shopping - never assume a 'no'.

Many people don't know what their shabbos plans are until Wednesday - it doesn't have to be about trying to fish around for the best invite, it could be to do with many other things, including family responsibilities etc.

Last edited by AlwaysThinking on Wed, Mar 05 2014, 3:42 pm; edited 1 time in total

boysrus

Wed, Mar 05 2014, 5:17 pm

I may be very old fashioned (I dont ever text),but I was thinking that maybe you would avoid problems like this if you call her instead of texting her. If you call until you get through to your potential guests, then you have less likelihood of her not reading her texts, forgetting to respond etc... just a thought

greenfire

Wed, Mar 05 2014, 7:34 pm

yes you are wrong

I think the nitty gritty of timing that you didn't even mention makes you seem too well - nitty gritty ... I wouldn't be comfortable saying 'yes' if you should even ask again ... even if your preference is wednesday am vs wed pm - I'm sure you could have made it work with 2 days ahead of the game

Barbara

Wed, Mar 05 2014, 7:39 pm

amother wrote:

She may not have checked her messages until then.

In my circles, getting back to someone Wednesday night is fine. Thursday morning is fine as well.

I don't think you did anything wrong per se, but in the future, you might want to call to follow up, or say, "I usually shop for Shabbat Wednesday after work, so I'd appreciate it if you could get back to me by Wednesday at noon."

RachelEve14

Thu, Mar 06 2014, 12:26 am

Raisin wrote:

Totally agree.

Miri1

Thu, Mar 06 2014, 12:42 am

Call her. She may not have gotten the text immediately.
If the invitation is serious, you follow up before it's too late and gets awkward.
If she did get the text when you sent it, it wasn't right not to at least acknowledge it. She could have responded "thanks for the invite, I'll get back to you this evening" or something.

MrsButterfly

Thu, Mar 06 2014, 5:44 am

They were expecting to come to you for Shabbat and now they have to make last second plans. If you invite them without a deadline, they can't know there is one. It's an open invitation unless you call to cancel. Cancelling without telling them is not right. I guess you could have called them to confirm before you went shopping instead of just springing it on them that they're not invited anymore.

esther09

Thu, Mar 06 2014, 6:04 am

MrsButterfly wrote:

I agree with this. If you really needed to know, you should have been honest and texted her again either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning, telling her you were shopping for shabbos (maybe even joking about how working full time has you on such a tight schedule) and you would still love for them to come but need to know by tonight. Or you could have called, as others have mentioned. I don't think it was very nice to cancel on them last minute (because that is what happened from their perspective). Next time, give a deadline if they don't respond right away.

smss

Thu, Mar 06 2014, 6:13 am

this is one of the many reasons why I'm anti-texting :-)

I hear where you're coming from OP, but I also hear their perspective- they didn't understand there was a deadline, they assumed it was an open invite. idk about this week, but next time you invite someone for shabbos, just pick up the phone and call so you can have a normal conversation and not get caught up in misunderstandings!

Success10

Thu, Mar 06 2014, 6:18 am

I don't think either side did anything wrong. 2.5 days elapsed and you didn't hear anything from her, I'd also have assumed she wasn't coming or forgot about the invite. I do think that next time you could be a bit more flexible for the sake of shalom, but it has to work with your personality type. Some people need to be very on top of things.

Also I agree with posters that said that a phone call might have helped avoid such a misunderstanding.

amother

Thu, Mar 06 2014, 10:48 am

OP here -

I see that I should have touched base again to follow up with her before assuming she wasn't coming.

To answer a few of the comments - I texted her because the last time I called and left a message, she texted me back. So I assumed that was her preferred method of communication. And it took her a couple days then (though less time) to get back to me also.

Also, she acknowledged that it took a while to get back to me. When she texted me back she said something like "we can come if you still want us." So she knew it took a while. Why it had to take so long, I'm not sure. I just feel like, even if you have to check with a spouse, a text or call to them takes a couple seconds - do you really need to let a potential host wait for 2-1/2 days to let them know?

And finally, to ester09 when you said it wasn't nice that I cancelled on her at the last minute and now she has to scramble around, well, she was putting me in that situation. Why should I, who is trying to be nice by inviting them (this is a couple I have had several times with no return invite), have to scramble around at the last minute, rather than her?

Point taken from everyone, and next time I will do better to follow up with people, but honestly, it bugs me that I have to beg someone to respond to a shabbos invitation rather than just being received what I feel is common courtesy and a timely response.

amother

Thu, Mar 06 2014, 12:13 pm

In a similar situation- but the response I got was a no and now we have no guests Sad

. I live in a place where people do Shabbos invites early in the week. I texted someone Monday morning to invite them for Friday night dinner. They responded can they get back to me later- I said sure no problem, assuming they meant later that night after they spoke to their spouse. I didn't hear back anything so Wednesday morning I texted her again as a reminder. I finally heard back late Wednesday night that they couldn't make it. Shabbos will still be nice but my kids love having guests and we have plenty of other people we could have invited. I understand how when you invite you want a response as soon as possible! (And I will try to keep that in mind when we get invited somewhere to answer asap!)