feeling bad about my career suffering.

amother

Fri, May 09 2014, 12:27 am

I just graduated from a prestigious school in a very respected feild. After passing state regulated licencing I was offered a job that I really wanted. After some consideration I declined the job solely due to the fact that I would be away from my young dc almost the whole day almost every day. I understand that some people do this but my dh is never around due to his career. One one hand I've been feeling really bad about my self for this. Almost like my dc is dragging my career that I worked really hard for down. I wish I didnt have this feeling. Is anyone in my situation? I sometimes wish I was done with having a family and that I had kids who were older so that I can focus on my career much more.

Any words of encouragment to make me feel better?

zaq

Fri, May 09 2014, 2:54 am

Nobody ever said on their deathbed "I wish I'd spent more time at the office". Careers don't smell like baby powder, or give you sticky kisses, or make you lopsided Mother's Day cards, or show you where their front tooth came out in school, or brag that you make the best chocolate chip cookies, or thank you in their Bar Mitzvah speech, or make you heart almost burst out of your chest at their wedding. Careers don't give you grandchildren, or visit you in the nursing home, or say hespedim at your funeral or say kaddish for you, either.

Careers can wait. Children don't. While you;re busy with a career, they're growing up, up--and away. They don't stay little till their Carter's wear out, and they don't stay little till you have time for them. A career you can go back to--but miss your child's childhood and it's g-o-n-e, gone.

ally

Fri, May 09 2014, 5:29 am

amother wrote:

It's really tough. I understand you completely. I really believe in the philosophy that perhaps women can have it all, but not all at once. Something has to give somewhere. What gives and where is very individual and trying to find that balance is difficult. I don't think I've found it yet. I'm not sure many people do.
Some days, I wish I was like some of my friends for whom careers are not on the radar. They are happy to stay at home (but I tried that for a little and was going out of my mind). Other days, I think about how I was near the top of my graduating class, and then compare myself to others, the same age and in my field and wonder if I am not achieving my potential (of course, many of the people I'm comparing with are male or don't have kids).
In the meantime, I have sacrificed climbing the career ladder super fast to have flexible hours and more time with the kids. I feel more like I'm on a treadmill than fast tracking to the glass ceiling - making little increments here and there. But I figure that this way I am still in the game- and when my kids are more independent it will be easier to develop or further my career. So I will not make any "Most successful women under 35" lists - but I'm ok with that (most of the time). I have other achievements that I chose to prioritize.

amother

Fri, May 09 2014, 10:47 am

zaq wrote:

People should make the decisions that are appropriate for themselves and for their families.

The shaming of people who take a different path is a sickening theme. You choose to work? You'll regret it. I stay home, and MY kids will love me. I'll have grandchildren who visit me, and I'll get to be proud of my kids. YOU, if you make a different decision, will die lonely and bitter. Your kids won't even thank you at their bar mitzvah.

Or when they win the MVP in the NBA.

Oh, wait. Wanda Pratt was 21, divorced, a single mom. She had to work several jobs to put food on the table, and sometimes there still wasn't enough. Funny, her son seems to kinda like her a little.

Quote:

“And last, my mom,” Durant said tearing up, approx. 23 minutes into his already impassioned speech.

“I think you know what you did,” he said, as the camera cut to his emotionally overcome mom. “You had my brother when you were 18-years-old. Three years later, I came out. The odds were stacked against us. Single parent with two boys by the time you were 21-years-old. Everybody told us we weren’t supposed to be here. We moved from apartment to apartment by ourselves. One of the best memories I had, is when we moved into our first apartment – no bed, no furniture – and we just all sat in the living room and just hugged each other, because we thought we made it.

“And when something good happens to you, I don’t know about you guys, but I tend to look back to what brought me here. And you’d wake me up in the middle of the night in the summer times, making me run up a hill, making me do pushups, screaming at me from the sideline of my games at eight or nine years old. We weren’t supposed to be here. You made us believe. You kept us off the street. Put clothes on our backs, food on the table. And when you didn’t eat, you made sure we ate. You went to sleep hungry. You sacrificed for us. You’re the real MVP.”

I guess Wanda's not going to be alone at that nursing home.

Rose Murphy either. When he was 8 or 9 years old, her son told his (working) mom that he was going to buy her a pink Escalade. And just about the first thing Teddy Bridgewater did, when he finally had money, was buy her that car.

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/......html

You don't "miss" your children's childhood when you work. You're away a few hours. Then you're home to sticky kisses, and maybe even basketball or football.

If its not for you, then its not for you. Great. But then you should be able to articulate why its better for you without attacking the decisions that others make about why something else is better for them ("Careers don't give you grandchildren, or visit you in the nursing home, or say hespedim at your funeral or say kaddish for you, either" [and your kids won't either, if you dare to work]; "they don't stay little till you have time for them..." [you must be with your kids 24/7 or you're a lousy parent].

iluvy

Fri, May 09 2014, 10:50 am

I am about to graduate and recently turned down a very prestigious job in favor of one that pays much less, is much less exciting, but has a much more relaxed lifestyle. When I tell people about the job that I took, a typical response is, "Oh, I thought you were going to do something really cool." I don't feel bad about it at all because I have complete ownership of my decision. I had the option to take the prestigious job, and I had the option to take the less prestigious job, and this is the lifestyle that I chose. I feel incredibly lucky to have been in the position to make that decision. (And the job I chose thinks I'm amazing because I turned down Company X to go to them Wink

)

I look at the people around me who are probably going to have much more prestigious and exciting careers, and it's fine, because if I had wanted that, I would have picked Job A. Instead I chose to be home most days when my kids come home from school. I wanted quantity time with my kids, not quality time. No one can have it all, not even men - how many men with high-powered careers spend significant amounts of time with their kids on a regular basis? I had all the options, I carefully considered everything, I own my decision, and I'm very happy!

zaq

Fri, May 09 2014, 5:39 pm

amother wrote:

If its not for you, then its not for you. Great. But then you should be able to articulate why its better for you without attacking the decisions that others make about why something else is better for them ("Careers don't give you grandchildren, or visit you in the nursing home, or say hespedim at your funeral or say kaddish for you, either" [and your kids won't either, if you dare to work]; "they don't stay little till you have time for them..." [you must be with your kids 24/7 or you're a lousy parent].

Oh, take a chill pill, amother. BTW why are you hiding behind amother? Lack the courage of your convictions? OP asked people to MAKE HER FEEL BETTER ABOUT HER CHOICE. I delivered. My response was solely for OP, not for anyone else, and I was not attacking anyone's decision. If it hit a nerve with you because you, too, are ambivalent about your choice, too bad. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to OP, whom I couldn't PM because she posted as amother.

BTW...there's a WORLD of difference between a "career" and a "job". It's a "career" when you bring a full briefcase home at night, and then you really are NOT there for your children.

ally

Sat, May 10 2014, 2:23 pm

zaq wrote:

What on earth does this mean? My kids are in bed by 7 which leaves me plenty of time to work in the evenings. I have no idea how that makes me "NOT there" for my children.

I have to say, my reaction to your post was probably closer to amother's but I chose to pass on by. It is true that childhood is fleeting - but this is a double edged sword. I know plenty of women with grown up or school aged kids and even women approaching the end of their child bearing years who have an incredibly tough time finding their identity and something to fulfill themselves when for 15+ years, they have been at home exclusively. And it is at best disingenuous to tell women that it is no big deal to start a career at 35-40.

At the end of the day, there is no perfect answer to the work-family balance. It is a very individual decision with so many factors. But insinuating that women who have careers won't have children who visit them in nursing homes is just as unhelpful as pitying stay-at-home mothers for sacrificing their education to do "nothing".

amother

Sat, May 10 2014, 6:45 pm

I feel and identify with you Op, I gave up career as high earning trainee lawyer after graduating from one of europe's top universities to raise my kids and focus especially on one with special needs. I had won awards and scholarships, I shocked both tutors and colleagues with my decision but I knew I would find it very hard to delegate childcare and instead have taken a very different career path to one originally envisaged in my twenties. But I am happy, I don't care when I meet friends from my youth who imagine I would be a partner in a top law firm now rather than in my chosen field, yes my classmates from law school in earnings and professional achievement have strived ahead of me in the world of work, but I made the choice to stay home, and at time helped my working friends with their childcare so they could meet their deadlines and obligations.

I am happy my friends who ploughed ahead career wise have done well, they worked really hard to get there, I worked hard to get where I am, I am now at peace with my decision, and feel real satisfaction that I was lucky enough to be home with my children, I feel as my kids have grown up that I gave them my best shot and now have time and energy to focus on me. I know at this ripe old age of 50 I cannot become CEO or head of dept, but my good education remains a firm foundation allowing me to seek work or further study in different fields. With age has come maturity to understand what matters to me, my self esteem and sense of purpose, careers are important but their structure and relevance can change.

seeker

Sun, May 11 2014, 12:33 am

for me, it was that I really did not have a clue just how intense mothering is. Other people make it look so easy. Honest. Also, as idealistic teens or even 20-year-olds you don't necessarily realize that part-time jobs are not usually the ones that add up to a major career (not saying it never happens, but usually the ones "making it" careerwise are working at least f/t if not more). Also with all the hype about shidduch crises and infertility and all kinds of things, you figure why not just make the most of one day at a time, start something "meanwhile" and then you might get caught by surprise when the husband and children turn up one after another and you find yourself caught in between a career you started getting into and the family you always wanted. Not trying to offend anyone here, just saying this is a possible scenario.

Kugglegirl

Sun, May 11 2014, 12:37 am

summer0808 wrote:

My issue with this is; when all of us were in college training for this great career, we knew we wanted to be mothers. Does it make sense to go to law school, expensive and time consuming and then feel guilty when deciding to advance or be a mother to our kids?

This is coming from a professional who B'h was able to work it out to be a WAHM and make a nice living. But when I read these posts I just scratch my head, what were you thinking? How can you do both so why invest in such an education?

I hope no one gets offended, I am just baffled!

There are many women who need the intellectual stimulation of their work, or are otherwise passionate about their career or specific interests.

& it is much easier to get that training under your belt when there are just a few little children at home.

Investing that time in training makes the years when you can work so much more worth while.--- especially when to walk out the door to work requires more $ than someone with no education gets paid!

As a mom who put time & resources into advanced training, OP, I would say, there will be some years when you can work full time, some when you can work part time & some when you will do best to keep up with your profession by reading relevant publications, participating in on-line forums & keeping in touch with those in the field.

If you can afford it, maintain membership in one of your professional organizations & if there are regional "offices" to hold, it is something that can go on your CV. Also look for volunteer or part-time opportunities that are limited in scope, that can help you feel connected w. the profession & also show on-going involvement in the field. -- examples- being on an advisory panel for a local project, or at the university division where you took your degree. Presenting at school career day about your field.

Don't feel bad about staying home with the little ones. When the time is right, H'shem will show you an opportunity that you feel you can't refuse!