Girl is literally stealing daughters two friends HELP

amother

Sun, May 11 2014, 4:07 pm

My fifth grader has two good freinds in school. They told her that another classmate is telling them not to befriend her etc. They are still my daughter's friends but they are also including this kid who is blatantly ignoring my daughter and today she told daughters freindsw that daughter bad mouthed her which was a plain lie.

I'm exasperated. My daughter is irritable beyond words.

I alone had such difficulties socially that any time my children suffer this I become worked up and not able to think rationally.

I feel like calling up this kid and threatening her but that is the most immature thing I can do

Please advise

greenfire

Sun, May 11 2014, 4:16 pm

nobody can steal people - they are not owned ...

but 5th graders & their hormones are quite hard on friendships ...

good friends will stick by her side - or will come back to her as they mature

good luck !!! Hug

Scrabble123

Sun, May 11 2014, 4:33 pm

I believe in letting children handle these issues on their own. You can speak with your daughter, build up her confidence, explain to her how children sometimes do things that are mean because they have their own flaws and difficulties, but actually getting involved with the girl is not only wrong but harmful to your daughters self development.

Your daughter needs your emotional support: the feeling that you love her unconditionally. The rest will iyH work itself out. Of course if you see it becoming a serious issue down the line, a call to a teacher or therapist is not a bad idea, but premature IMO at this point,

I do understand your frustration and feel along with you. IyH it will work out. As greenfire said, true friends will stand beside you. Your daughter will find good friends. It's these 5th grade challenges that help us growth and improve for the future. You're daughter will be great.

zaq

Sun, May 11 2014, 6:52 pm

It's humiliating for a child to have a parent intervene, which can only make her look like a neb and will win her zero friends. It might even lose her the friends she has.

Wise parents stay out of fifth-grade--or eighth grade, or HS, or any other age--social lives. Let the kids sort it out themselves. Your role is to give your dd encouragement and sympathy, and then stand back and let her deal with the situation as she will.

SRS

Sun, May 11 2014, 6:59 pm

Is the teacher aware of the situation? Sometimes bullying can happen right in a classroom and the teacher just doesn't see it. I'm not for or against parents stepping in. Some situations do warrant adult intervention.

There is a lot that can be done in school to keep students circulating so that cliques don't form as easily. While direct intervention with friends might not be a great solution, I have discovered over the years that some kids do need help making and keeping friends and that parents can be proactive where there is a need.

imasinger

Sun, May 11 2014, 7:54 pm

Three approaches that can work:

1. Help her arrange get togethers with her two friends outside of school. Plan some attractive invitations so that the friendships stay strong.

2. Encourage your DD to invite the "mean girl" to do something fun, so that they can get to know each other better. I have had great success with this approach when my kids had issues with being bullied.

3. Teach your DD to speak truth and stand up for herself.

Help her role play, and practice saying things like:

"She said that about me? And do you believe she was telling the truth? Well, here's my side of story..."

To the girl, when badmouthing is overheard: "excuse me? What did you just say?"

Etc.

Your involvement throughout must be limited to coach and cheerleader, so that you can convey the all important message of your faith in her ability.

Last edited by imasinger on Sun, May 11 2014, 8:44 pm; edited 1 time in total

FranticFrummie

Sun, May 11 2014, 7:54 pm

Every 5th grader in the world goes through this. Greenie is right, people cannot be "stolen". Girls go with who they want to go with.

When my DD has this problem, I always ask her if she wants me to do anything about it. Every single time the answer is "NO!" She would rather work it out herself, even if that means she loses a friend. The only reason I ask at all, is so that she'll know I have her back, and that I'm there for her.

If she comes home complaining, I'll let her vent, I'll make sympathetic noises, and then ask her what SHE wants to do about it. That's all she really needs, is to feel heard and sympathized with. Any intervention on my part would just make things worse, and we both know it.