We are mainly "befriended" by people who ask for money

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:36 am

My DH and I are having a (minor) problem. We have many "friends" that invite us to parlor meetings or ask us for donations for their yeshivas and charities. However, these same "friends" don't invite us for Shabbos meals, don't call to chat or come by to visit, and don't even give us an update on how their yeshivas are doing (which of course as a donor we are interested in finding out about). Recently, it's been getting worse. We love when a yeshiva will send bachurim or when a rabbi comes to visit and sits down with us. It's really good for our kids to see this and they enjoy it a lot. Also we want to chat with a rabbi periodically and ask some hashkafa questions or things that are bothering us. So a rabbi that comes to us every year for a donation, this time he just came in for 15 min before mincha (when he usually gives us an hour). We were disappointed. We are also feeling lonely ... we don't get invited to a lot of holiday events that other yeshiva people (or people with large families) usually have plans for, we don't know anyone in "the mountains" and we need to plan all our holidays and vacations on our own. We wish that all of these people that we are constantly donating to would just include us in their lives or at least make us feel part of the organizations (like invite us to the yeshiva or camp for a Shabbos, believe me we would pay and make a donation too). Just an FYI for all you fundraisers out there. It's come to a point where my DH doesn't even want to go to parlor meetings and I can't say I disagree with him ...

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 7:32 am

I realize that this advice is useless since you missed that boat, but this is exactly the reason why we only give generous anonymous or secret donations and don't let on to the general public that we can afford to give those donations.

Maybe your dh SHOULD stop going to parlor meetings and the like, and should begin to donate anonymously or on condition of secrecy. This would prevent him from feeling used, but I don't know how that will help your friends situation.

Sorry I don't have better advice.

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 7:34 am

(same amother as above.)
I wanted to add that our main reason for giving in secrecy is so that people should want to associate with us for who we are, not how much they can get out of us. Do you find that your friends are like that too, or are you only talking about feeling reciprocity from those your donate to?

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 7:39 am

Well, we have some friends, who are completely unrelated to the institutions where we donate. We have friends from our shul and from our past schools and our block, let's say. But we try to get close to our causes (which is why donating anonymously is not our cup of tea) and we feel frustrated that we aren't really as close as we want to be. My husband said to me this morning - I feel like I am reaching over and over again for a rose, only to be scratched by thorns.

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 7:45 am

amother wrote:

Maybe the best thing would be to open communication with these causes and ask to be more involved. Maybe they assume that you just want to donate and then take a back seat. I'm sure they would begin to invite you and include you if you stated that to them openly.