I feel guilty over a broken engagement, years ago.

amother

Wed, Jan 24 2007, 12:54 pm

Even though we both went to a Rav at the time and asked each other Mechila, I am sure that it caused him and his family a lot of grief.

This is what happened:
I came from a Heimish type family. Even though I wanted a slightly frummer boy than my parents were , I still wanted a professional, as did my parents. I was "red" a boy who was described as a college student. The Shadchan confused him with his brother who had gone to college. (His parents wanted him to go as well, but he refused, because he went to a frum yeshiva that was against it and became more Chassidish when learning in Israel. His brother was somewhat Chassidish, but listened to his parents and went to college).

Years ago, people didn't check out every detail like we do today.

On the first date he told me that he never went to college. (I was told that he was going for accounting). I liked him and told my parents that if they don't let me marry this boy "I'll never get married". They went along with me, and I got engaged.

After the engagement, when we we're talking about the future, he made remarks that I felt were inappropriate and disrespectful to me. I started to regret the engagement, but I didn't tell a soul.

So, there were these statements of his, in addition to my parents not being happy with this match in the first place (college), and THEN the straw that broke the camel's back came! Noone knew what was going on inside my head at this point.

I got a call from his sister in law- (married to this college brother), telling me how selfish her in laws are. They never did anything for her, they don't treat her right and she communicated to me that she felt I could do better. This was really strange. I never repeated this conversation from this sister in law to anyone but my parents, but I remember it clearly.

I felt I made a major blunder and broke the engagement. We went to a Rov who had us both ask Mechila from one another, and we both are presently happily married to other people. BUT every time something bad happens in my life I have this gnawing guilt about that broken engagement.

I think about my guilt often.

shalhevet

Wed, Jan 24 2007, 2:17 pm

I would write a letter asking for mechila again. At that point he might not have really felt that he forgave you, but today, years later and married to someone else I am sure he has nothing against you and would mochel you completely.

If he says he holds nothing against you, move on. We all do things we shouldn't to others, but if they've wholeheartedly forgiven us it's considered as if we have never sinned. Maybe it's better if, ch"v, something bad happens, to do teshuva for how we behaved yesterday or last week to someone, rather than harping on about one particular thing.

mimsy7420

Wed, Jan 24 2007, 2:40 pm

It sounds more like regret.

amother

Wed, Jan 24 2007, 2:48 pm

You wrote that every time something bad happens in your life you think of the broken engagement. Are you thinking the bad things are a punishment for having broken his heart? Who are we to say why bad things happen? We are not Hashem and He has not told us through nevuah that the reason he is making life hard for us is because of xyz, or because of having broken an engagement.
I have my own hardships in life, it is real difficult. And I never did break an engagement.
So give yourself some slack. Maybe you'd find it useful to talk this through with a professional. The reason I say this is because I have had a situation in which my reaction broke the heart of the other person (not a fiance or dating partner). I felt a tremendous amount of guilt over it. I finally ended up talking to a psychologist about it and b''h by talking it through I was able to put it to rest. Guilt robs us of peace of mind. No need to keep yourself in agony.

DefyGravity

Wed, Jan 24 2007, 2:52 pm

OP, I don't think you should feel guilty. In the long run, you did the right thing.
You realized that things weren't right, and broke off the engagement. That's a GOOD thing. You saved him the possibility of a lousy marriage that could've possibly ended in divorce and lots of bad feelings.

I'm sure that he was initially upset, but now that he's married, he (most likely) realizes that your breaking up with him was the best thing that could have happened.

greenfire

Wed, Jan 24 2007, 5:33 pm

Besides everything you said you both actually asked for mechila - no need to do it again, even if it came from a different less mature side of you and now you would like to ask from an adult side of you - you still asked. More than some people get to do. Stop worrying.

lubcoralsprings

Wed, Jan 24 2007, 5:45 pm

I don't think you need to ask mechila again. I think it's normal to wonder when something doesn't go right but you did what you had to through a rav and I don't think you need to do mroe.

HindaRochel

Wed, Jan 24 2007, 5:53 pm

Put it away in the past where it belongs. You broke an engagement, and you both went on to marry happily. That is good.

I think the other Amother is right and that you are using this to explain away all the negative events in your life. Her suggestions were good ones..

amother

Wed, Jan 24 2007, 6:29 pm

I dont know what asking for mechilah consists of. However, if it consists of communicating with him to bring up the past I would strongley suggest not doing it...its the past and now he has a future and you bringing up past hurts is unneccesary and a little selfish (please excuse my string words).
I married a guy who had a messy first engagement beak-up...I do not want the first girl to ever come into his life again. It would annoy and upset him and probably bring up some negative feelings in me. We are very happy together and I thank Hashem that she gave him up and now I have him. You did the right thing...marrying someone when you have so many doubts is never good a good idea. Leave it be, for his sake, his wife's sake and your own... and do not feel bad!

ny_ima

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 7:40 pm

Quote:

It sounds more like regret.

only1 I like your head!

and OH, the power of Loshon Harah! If only that sil would have not made that 'you deserve better' comment....you may have not put up this post.

Obviously it was not your zivug but leave the past where it is. The fact that you are so obsessed about it just verifies what I requoted from only1

faigie

Thu, Mar 15 2007, 9:20 am

"After the engagement, when we we're talking about the future, he made remarks that I felt were inappropriate and disrespectful to me. I started to regret the engagement, but I didn't tell a soul. "

that alone shows us all that you made the right descision.

southernbubby

Thu, Mar 15 2007, 9:58 am

Because a rav officiated at the asking of mechilla, it was handled correctly and whatever goes on in life is not related to the broken engagement.

amother

Thu, Mar 15 2007, 10:00 am

ny_ima wrote:

. The fact that you are so obsessed about it just verifies what I requoted from only1

OP here. If you knew anything about my ex, you would not think that for a minute. If I'd have given too many details, I'd be giving away who I am. Although, if I were reading my post, and knew little about the players invloved, I might think that was possible too.

My regret is the embarassment to him and his family (an aveiroh), and their difficulty to find a Shidduch after the broken engagement, which probably made them resent me terribly.

happymom

Thu, Mar 15 2007, 12:11 pm

ok, but thats not your fault. people make mistakes. you are only human. forgive yourself. u had the right intentions.

Mrs. Mommy

Thu, Mar 15 2007, 12:24 pm

Sounds to me like you are not happy with the life you have now, because if you were, you would not be having these guilty feelings. Try putting the past behind you and focus on making the life you made for yourself a better one.

Ruchel

Thu, Mar 15 2007, 12:37 pm

faigie wrote:

ditto! It is better like this than a divorce or an awful marriage.