Unconditional love for difficult teenage dd

amother

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 7:26 am

Start every day brand new.

Tell her good morning, and hopefully one day she will reply. Take her grocery shopping if possible once in a while. My DD loves it. We dont spend much time together, but she likes being able to go get her snack and pickles that she likes.

When my DD speaks disrespectfully I stop her. She usually says "ok". But if she goes on and on I send her to her room. I have told her that she must talk nicely to everyone all all times, or else we dont enjoy having her around. My DD also "rolls her eyes" which DH cant stand. My DH isnt forgiving so fast, which is a whole other issue. I am more tolerant and forgiving. I can take my DD to the mall a few minutes after she "fixes" her brothers payis (this act can start a physical fight) as long as she apologizes, while DH will refuse to tag along.

The most important thing to remember is that everyday you should say more positive words to her than discipline. Choose your battles.

Chayalle

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 7:41 am

amother wrote:

Op here. Thanks for the suggestions. I find it very hard to do nice things for her after being yelled at by her. I have discussed getting professional help with my husband but he says this is just part of being a teenage girl.

Even if it's just part of being a teenage girl, why not help her and you in the best way possible? I'm a big believer in this. I have a mentor whom I call with questions I have with regards to raising my children, and I've benefited tremendously from her wise advice. Why not get your relationship with your DD to be the best it can be?

And if your relationship is such that you find it hard to be loving to her... Hug

I can't think of a better reason to get professional advice.

From another mother of two teens

amother

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 9:07 am

It's hard. Somebody wiser than I said "children need the most love when they appear unlovable."

Adolescence is a time of pushing boundaries and exploring behaviors. They push, you push back. They test you. Of course all kids are different and there is no one-advice-fits-all. Some kids have a mindset of how-bad-can-I-be-and-have-them-still-love-me and it takes a lot of time and strength for a parent to cope with it.

You are the parent, the adult. You are allowed to have feelings but still you need to do your best to show kid that you still love them even if they anger/disappoint you. No, it's not easy.

The advice to start each day fresh is excellent. I'm not so good at this, if I'm very upset it takes me a long time to calm down.

Onisa

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 11:57 am

Advice
1. Buy her and yourself books. Seems you have already, then buy her books like " how to be a teenager", on fb and other websites there are thousands of beautiful pictures with lines like " 10 ways to spend your teenlife great ", buy her quotes with wisdom
2. Check out if you arent patronizing her too much or too little.
3 try to keep a diary why where and when she acted out, maybe there is some pattern that she is unconscious about ( ex only after 10 oclock, after you tell her about clothing..)
4 give her real responsible stuff to do, invite her to the family gathering and give her a vote
5 try having light talks every night let her feel she can be honest with you
6 help her with anything she struggles ( hiring tutor for school, helping her keep a diary, signing her to jym and encouraging going there)
7 dont talk with her about plain life things too much. Teenagers love to think about global, about dreams, about how life is unfair and world full of injustice.

Ofcourse it is all food for thinking and not an action plan.

amother

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 12:13 pm

Onisa wrote:

This is great stuff. I wanted to chime and and remind you that much of being a "terrible" teenager comes from having a whole lot of hormones going on, plus monthly PMS, many of which make will make her impossible no matter what you do. (And remember that like us grown-ups, telling a person she's acting a certain way because of PMS will only make her deny she has PMS.) Very Happy

mandksima

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 12:38 pm

I am in the middle of my journey in this but I can tell you the advice that has worked so far in trying to like my dd (also 13) whom I love very much.

I am almost done a parenting course called Shefer and it is really eyeopening for me. Even though my child has had a difficult history since birth (micropreemie, therapy since birth and many diagnosises later...) I am making changes in the way I see her. I am not giving her any excuses that she has had until now to misbehave. It doesn't matter her diagnosis because she chooses negative behavior in order to connect with me. I know she can behave perfectly fine when she wants to (thank G-d, she is perfect in school where they might not be so understanding.) So, part of the solution is to change how I see her and not let the bad behavior get a reaction out of me. Once there is no connection that draws my attention to her, it often disappears. I either ignore it, say simply that I will have an adult conversation with her later when she is talking politely or give her a hug in the middle of her ranting. All the while, I really have to not let it get to me. I practiced one week writing down in a little notebook every positive thing she said or did. Then, when I found little things to be proud of, I envisioned her like that moment and really told myself THAT was the real her and the rest is just a bad way of trying to connect with me - her mistakes. (Sort of envision watching actors play a role in a movie) She is understanding that she is given a lot of responsibility now for her actions. She is the one who will make something happen or not happen. She is dealing with consequences of her actions.

I see I have picked lots of fights with her in the past. Things that should be her decision since she is an adult. I have not let her make her own decisions in certain areas even though I insist she be an adult in others.You must be able to find something in your child that you believe in fully that she can do fine and you'd never check up on her with that and treat everything like that. Part of my job is to hand over responsibility to her entirely even if I may not be happy about it because it is her that has to answer for herself, not me. I have been trying to let go of any guilt (there must be something wrong with my raising her if she is acting this way) or hurt feelings (if she cared about my feelings, she wouldn't make me so upset) I may have when she behaves in a way I would not want a frum daughter of mine behaving. It doesn't matter what other people think of me or my parenting techniques. I have to trust in my daughter and believe 100% that she is capable of making the right decisions. She knows what is the right thing to do and what is expected of her. We never give our kids enough credit and often place them in a box which they don't deserve (this one is my lazy child or my clumsy child).

I have to work hard on remembering all of this. Often her behavior is caused by my reaction from it so a non-reaction (really letting go of the anger and being upset) often prevents the misbehavior. It may take some time but once she realizes she is not invoking any response from you, there won't be a need for her to continue in that negative behavior. This is still a work in progress. Look up the Shefer or Adler approach (which is similar, I believe.) I hope this made sense somewhat...

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 12:40 pm

Get the kid help.

Stop focusing on love.

Just do your duty to her. Try to love her if you can, occasionally.

Loving somebody who acts bad is just rewarding bad behavior.

Of course you should love her as a basic thing, meaning, deep down. You never forget she is your kid. You side with her, basically. You never favor anybody over her. You never side with anybody against her.

I think basic manners between you and her would be a good goal, and leave love for another day.

But sure, the very minute she acts properly, give immediate, immediate reward. Make it worth her while. A cookie, a smile, a physical caress, a compliment on how beautiful she looks in that outfit.

It is super important to compliment insecure girls on their outfits. NOT their specific physical features, no, the OUTFIT. The clothes. Those, they chose. Those, they can change.

Keep your love for her someplace in your head, do not discard it. For now focus on getting her to not act bad.

Because her bad behavior is not about you, it's about violating Torah norms, which are above both of you.

Every time she acts bad, somebody has failed her. I am not sure it is you. It might be her father. There may also be big, big chemical sources for this behavior, that even the best father can't help: take her to a doctor, ASAP.

Very little love is unconditional; in last week's parsha there was something about a father's right to deal with a wayward son, but I am no scholar and didn't read it, so don't hold me to details.

So I would not spend any calories trying to be a tzaddekes; instead use those calories to get the kid much needed help. You are already nice enough. One can tell from your post that you are nice.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Tue, Sep 09 2014, 12:13 am; edited 1 time in total

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 09 2014, 3:58 am

I'm right there with you!

Stay calm when she yells. Whatever you do, do NOT feed into her tantrum! Be the adult, she needs you to not react. You're the anchor in her stormy seas.

In a peaceful moment, tell her stories about how hard it was for you to be a pre-teen. If she can relate to you on that level, it will reduce the stress a lot. Right now, she thinks you have no idea what it's like, and that you'll never understand her. She needs to hear that "Yes, this sucks, and that it will pass and get better."

Praise her for being responsible, respectful, helpful, any time you can "catch" her doing something right. Tell her she's a good kid.

If she's having a problem and taking it out on you, say things like "I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time right now. Is there anything I can do to fix it? What do you think we could work on together to make it better?" Show her that you're on her team, and not an adversary.

Pick and choose your battles wisely. Rolling her eyes doesn't actually harm anybody. Slamming doors is not acceptable. Agree to talk to her when she can speak nicely. Show concern for whatever is upsetting her. If she tells you to go away, remind her that you're willing to listen if she ever wants to talk.

In short, try not to micromanage her behavior. She can't control all of it, so neither can you. Try to work on the big stuff - with lots of love and patience - and you'll find that the little things will happen less and less often. Tantrums will also be much shorter in duration if you don't react strongly.

Do not say things like "You are making me crazy!" Instead, use "I" messages like "I'm having a really hard time coping right now, and I'd appreciate it if you were more cooperative."

kenz

Sun, Nov 09 2014, 11:32 am

Chayalle wrote:

How to show love in actions: Make her her favorite suppers. Bake cookies that she likes. Take special care of things that are important to her, like ironing her clothes if she likes that, and seeing that her favorite shirt gets processed thru the laundry in record time....Try to make some one-on-one time for her -go walking, play a game if she is willing.....

At the same time, you should firmly and lovingly set boundaries. She cannot speak to you disrespectfully. If you are not doing so already, please get professional help with this.

Chayalle, how do you think one can go about finding a mentor like this?

black sheep

Sun, Nov 09 2014, 1:22 pm

Lately I have been pointing out something positive about my teen son to him everyday. Even on days when the last thing I want to do is say something nice to him. Sometimes it's "you did really well in math" and sometimes it is "the baby really loves you, you can tell how she keeps following you around like a little puppy." A compliment each day (or more) to show him I am noticing the good in him. To balance the negative responses he gets other times throughout the day.... I think that when they are their most difficult is also when they need positive attention the most. I tell myself, I don't need to feel like complimenting him in order to do so.