"Poem" | Imamother

sequoia

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 8:34 pm

To S.M.

From Kiev to Brooklyn, via the north,
Oslo, Paris, a trail of success,
Upon favorite subjects you hold forth.
Your feelings? I can never guess.

A genius in every part
With a stony center --
What Snow Queen froze your heart?
Wherefore can't I enter?

Archives make your eyes alight,
Physics problems woo you.
But every sincere word a fight --
Where, where is the true you?

Were I a book stiff and cold
Or Fermat's Last Theorem,
I would your attention hold --
You would never fear 'em.

But a girl so warm and tender,
With such silky paws
May put you through a bender,
Drawing out her claws.

So unlikely, but she may --
Horrors! -- cool down first.
Oh! That'd be an evil day!
Ah! That would be the worst!

Safest would be a retreat.
Cavalry! Sound the bugle!
One will never be in defeat
If with affections frugal.

So my loss is e'er your gain,
My unscathéd knight;
Your indifference my pain,
My blindness your light.

Critique away, please.

sneakermom

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 9:52 pm

The meaning of the last paragraph resonates with me. This is what I thought it meant. I could be wrong.

When you leave someone you want to know that it pains them. It's your slap in the face to them for what they have done. But they slap you twice as hard with their indifference. And you feel even worse. When you thought you would feel better. They hurt you all over again. There's no winning.

pause

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 9:54 pm

sneakermom wrote:

In that case, I'd place commas after "indifference" and "blindness" to clarify.

mummiedearest

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 11:04 pm

To S.M.

From Kiev to Brooklyn, via the north,
Oslo, Paris, a trail of success,
Upon favorite subjects you hold forth.
Your feelings? I can never guess. -- I'd consider changing "never" to "only."

A genius in every part
With a stony center --
What Snow Queen froze your heart? I like this line.
Wherefore can't I enter? This line seems a little clumsy. "Wherefore" and "can't" don't sit well together in my mind.

Archives make your eyes alight,
Physics problems woo you.
But every sincere word a fight --
Where, where is the true you?

Were I a book stiff and cold
Or Fermat's Last Theorem,
I would your attention hold --
You would never fear 'em.

But a girl so warm and tender,
With such silky paws
May put you through a bender,
Drawing out her claws. Unsure of meaning here: does this indicate his fear of strong negative feelings on her part?

So unlikely, but she may --
Horrors! -- cool down first.
Oh! That'd be an evil day!
Ah! That would be the worst! not sure this paragraph is necessary.

Safest would be a retreat.
Cavalry! Sound the bugle!
One will never be in defeat
If with affections frugal. love the use of the word "frugal."

So my loss is e'er your gain,
My unscathéd knight;
Your indifference my pain,
My blindness your light. Last line needs work, but I like the first three.

Critique away, please.

I think the poem is really good in general. it needs some tweaking, but I don't think it needs much.

mummiedearest

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 11:15 pm

sequoia wrote:

Merci! Will work on it further iyh.

The stanza you consider unnecessary was an attempt at irony. Doesn't work?

if you spoke it out loud, I think the irony would be clearer. "Horrors!" is never spoken seriously in that kind of context. you did use "wherefore," though, so the ironic tone is not immediately obvious. I think the meaning of that paragraph is already expressed by the rest of it, so I think it can be cut. try reading it without that stanza, see if you like it.