My father was unemotionally available; now he's ill.

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

dolphin

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 1:26 pm

Hi. My father never gave me physical love or emotional love or any physical things. And now he is not well and I can't bring myself to call him and talk to him. I talk to my mother and she updates me. I want to call him but I'm holding back. Please give me support.

imasinger

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 1:32 pm

That's so very difficult.

Could you send a card, maybe?

amother

Blue

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 9:13 pm

My father wasn't exactly emotionally available for us either, but he worked hard and honorably to provide for us, and provided a good role model of stability and commitment to Torah living. If your father isn't toxic or abusive, take the high road. You'll sleep better and will not feel guilty, or as guilty after 120.
and Hug

amother

Blue

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 9:14 pm

double post.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 9:39 pm

I had that with my grandmother, she found me annoying and mostly ignored me growing up.
When she got sick, I was so torn, I made the decision that it was more important to do the right thing an visit and help often. Towards the end, I spent most of my time sitting there, holding her hand etc.
After she passed away, I was glad that I did it as I felt like I did the mitzvah of kibud av vaim. It wasn't easy as I had so much resentment, she was open and friendly to my sibs and cousins, it caused me many issues growing up. I could never figure out what was wrong with me..

amother

Smokey

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 10:58 pm

I was in the same situation. I'm made a point of going to visit my parents home when he was sick. Never called ... To awkward.

amother

Silver

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 2:45 am

Pumpkin, there was nothing wrong with you - she probably saw something small in you that she disproportionately disliked in herself, and overreacted to that - it happens Sad

OP, can you remove yourself from the parent/child dynamic and just see this as bikkur cholim? You're calling/visiting a sick person (who coincidentally happens to be your father). I'm not saying you have to, the pain must be immense for you, but you're clearly conflicted if you're asking here...

Hatzlocho - and hugs.

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 2:54 am

See if you can find it in your heart to forgive him. I had many serious issues with my father but when I found out he was terminally ill, I decided to let it go and forgive him. It was a good decision for me.

Most parents do the best they can - sometimes it's not good enough.

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 6:46 am

OP - I empathize more than you can imagine.

Two things help me (though I still actively struggle with a similar issue):
1. Start seeing him as a person not as your father. That means he wasn't perfect. It's a bit easier to forgive someone when you take them off the parent pedestal.
2. If he was emotionally unavailable to you, then he probably was to everyone in his life. That makes for a lonely experience if you're sick. If you can make yourself feel bad for him because of that, rather than feel bad for yourself because of your poor relationship, it might be easier to reach out from a chessed pov.

Page 1 of 1