teenage daughter - no close friends

amother

Sat, Aug 17 2013, 11:58 pm

Hi - I need advice. My daughter is 15 and a great girl. She is bright, gets good grades, is pretty, teachers love her. She is on various school teams and committees. The problem? She doesn't have any close friends. During the school year there are kids who call for help with homework, and when she needs help there are kids she can call. But nobody calls her to just hang out, and when she calls they aren't available to do anything with her. This really causes her a lot of pain.

How can I help her? Thanks for any suggestions.

wife2

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 1:33 am

Is she more quiet? Does she make an effort?
She needs to push herself a bit to get closer to some people. Let her choose 1 or 2 girls who she is somewhat friendly with. She should call them just to talk or go visit them on Shabbos afternoon. It WILL be awkward for her at first but eventually she will get closer to them. She needs to try to make friends and do things to show other girls she is interested in spending time with them.

Can she invite someone over for a Shabbos meal? Is there a way to initiate out-of-school contact with a few girls she is friendlier with?

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 5:30 am

Heyaaa wrote:

Sometimes it's the class dynamic that some kids start off being popular and others start off less so. It's very difficult to change it about yourself once the class' relationships have been established. If she fights for it it will change or switch schools. It's extremely painful to go for so long as a loner.

I don't think it's the class dynamic, necessarily. Sometimes it's something in the kid's personality, just too introverted or not confident enough. I wouldn't rush to change schools, I know kids who changed schools for other reasons, but the lack of friends remained.

imasinger

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 7:25 am

Hugs to you and to her! I think there is no psychological pain as difficult as watching your child suffer.

If any percentage of the problem stems with her rather than the classmates, it is best that it be addressed. Changing schools may help, but only in conjunction with other steps, since we take ourselves with us wherever we go.

At her age, it is harder to help than when she was younger, but not impossible. Try planning fun outings where it will be easier to get a friend to come, and keep an eye on the interactions yourself. Encourage DD to follow up with a second invitation on the spot. After a few such get togethers, friendships and casual hanging out may follow.

If those techniques don't work, try finding a counselor for her, since she seems to be in pain, and may benefit from the support.

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 7:35 am

I don't know if this will help you, but I have a DD in her late teens in the same boat.
I was hopeful when she started high school, with a new bunch of girls, that things would change.
They didn't but it helped me come to the realization that the problem was hers, not her environment's.
She is in therapy now for these issues. Some people need help learning to initiate friendships and foster emotional intimacy within relationships. Self-confidence can also be a relevant issue.
It is indeed very painful to see your child lonely, especially as an adolescent, with all the attendant needs and emotions.

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 9:47 am

I have a daughter who was in the same situation, B"H things are changing for her. Ideas for your daughter:

--Invite a classmate who's weaker academically over to her house to study for a test. Make sure there's good nosh.
--Read The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends. It's written for parents of younger kids, but it's good anyway. It can help her understand the dynamics of what might be going on with her, and simple practical ways to change her behavior.
--Get involved in organizations where the teens who volunteer are friendly and not judgmental. Friendship Circle is a good one.
--Honestly the thing that worked best for my daughter were giving two compliments a day to girls in her class.

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 10:02 am

amother wrote:

Also talk with her about how people who are different from you can make great friends for you. Help her think of things she has in common with people who might seem very different. Sometimes girls are waiting for the perfect friend who'll understand them 100%, and they don't understand that that won't happen.

Amother with the DD in therapy here - this is exactly one of my DD's issues. Her therapist is helping her adjust her all or nothing expectations.

leah383

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 11:28 am

Speaking as a happy introvert, maybe your daughter just isn't cut out for social acrobatics. Your description of your daughter sounds a like like me from my high school years; I was involved in school, well-liked, successful, but just didn't have many close friends. It did cause me some angst in those years but now I've grown into my own skin and am so glad that I don't need to maintain an active social life to feel fulfilled and happy; it really does make life as a mother much easier.

Also, it sounds like your daughter might be past the age where you can arrange friendships for her. Maybe try talking to a teacher or mechaneches with whom she has a relationship and find out their take on it.

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 8:18 pm

Hi - Thank you all for your replies. I'm open to any and all suggestions. I have taken my daughter for therapy over the years, because this is not a new situation. We've always been told that she seems fine, they didn't have anything to offer other than that if my daughter wants to come back they'd be happy to give her some tips on socializing, but that if my daughter doesn't want to come back, not to push. She never wanted to go back, so that was the end of that.

When I talk to teachers, they all say she seems fine in school, she's always surrounded by other girls.

I know my daughter can seem very together, because she is very together. What teachers don't see is how lonely she is at home.

I'll take your suggestions, such as compliment one or two girls every day. Of course I have encouraged her to call girls, or invite girls over. She does; sometimes someone will come, sometimes not. But then it hurts my daughter that the invitations are not reciprocated, so she stops calling.

Again, thanks for your help.

shlomitsmum

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 10:45 pm

IME....As a mum and "social coach" to my now 17 year old DD (who has Aspergers as a bonus Wink

)

DD who due to her condition is a excellent "social anthropologist " had a few things to say:

Some girls are not into the normal style of friendships and find it hard to include new people beyond immediate family .

Some girls are immature clickey and fairweather users of smart nice girls ...oh boy these ones are the worse! and guidance is needed to help girls not get taken advantage of in the name of popularity.

Some feel no need to hang out after spending LONG hours together each day at school (happy intro types).
Many love to rest unwind and be with family only during the weekend (lazy teen type Wink

) .

Some girls are contrary and if a girl is seen as needy "nebach" or desperate she is ignored because of her needy vibe. (This is mean passive aggressive but very common)

If your DD gives compliments make sure compliments are sincere ...Overdoing the compliments can give a girl a "brown noser " rep or have her seen as "fake" or trying too hard ....

Some teens are competitive and focused more on the future than hanging out with peers (My kid Wink

).

I suggest you encourage your DD to involve herself outside school, expand her horizons (maybe have a Sunday Job) and not take her peers lack of attention personally (or at least DO NOT SHOW IT) .

If you involve the teachers make sure is done smartly and not in a Plonette's mum got the class in trouble kinda way ...some teachers are very stupid I this regard so BE CAREFUL , no blood in the water please!.

Confidence and independence is magnetic and social approval should not be priority #1 (as it can create negative situations if the queen bees are not solid girls). Quantity is not quality when it comes to friends .
A friends DD left her BY after the pressure to keep up (money ,clothes ,mall visits) became too much .....mum talking to the school made it worse .

My DD's closest friends are few but solid and some include seniors from the nursing home . She went through a stage of loneliness and branching beyond her classroom had made a HUGE difference. Understanding the concept of depth , loyalty and genuine friendship VS shallowness made a HUGE difference.

Hug

shlomitsmum

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 11:39 am

amother wrote:

Thank you, Shlomitsmum! Such fantastic advice. I think I might print it out and memorize it! You are right, "Confidence and independence is magnetic and social approval should not be priority #1". I like how your daughter counts seniors among her close friends - she sounds like a great girl.

I'm mentioning this to my daughter tomorrow. Thank you for your thoughts.

You are welcome embarrassed

! Girls (and women) can be very complex when navigating the friendship maze ... And I know how hard it can be to watch a child struggle .... It really hurts.

My child has a outwardly clinical ,logical and sharp mind like Dr spock (but very sensitive on the inside) a mind that can't spontaneously relate to typical girl drama , facial expressions ,cliques or mean stuff ...so I had to decode "girl world" for her and empower her so that her perceived lack of warmth and bubblyness was not used against her by the type of teachers that like to read into stuff .

Resources.

These books have been a classic in our home from grade 2 ( the american girl ones) the other pink one sits on her night table . We also have a debriefing once in a while were she knows she can ask me anything, social coaching is fun but has become less needed as she figures out her goals and creates a path to get them.

IMO a book for teens from a Torah perspective is very much needed .but we work with what is out there.

http://store.americangirl.com/.....65299
http://store.americangirl.com/.....SYMAL

http://www.bookdepository.com/.....yYA0g

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 11:55 am

The high school years are often socially turbulent. My oldest DD will be 15 next month, and I can relate to alot of bits and pieces in this thread, from a mother's perspective.

Shlomitsmum wrote

Quote:

Some feel no need to hang out after spending LONG hours together each day at school (happy intro types).
Many love to rest unwind and be with family only during the weekend (lazy teen type ) .

This exactly sums up my teen. She wants friends OTOH but also needs her space. After a long day at school, she often wants to chill, read a book, excercise, etc...sometimes she will shmooze on the phone but after a while she's had it and just needs her space!

She's made some lovely friends, both from elementary school and in high school, and she cares about them and wants to be a friend.....but their needs sometimes frustrate her. If 4 of them call in one evening....or if one keeps calling and wants to shmooze for an hour, when she's zonked and just wants some downtime, she just ignores the phone. It's her way of getting her own needs in.

She's a homebody and those endless Shabbos and sleepover invites are hard. She prefers my cooking Smile

and her own bed to an all-nighter of shmoozing that she's not so in to at a friend's house. Also, going to a friend for Shabbos and the pressure of being a polite and attentive guest for 25 hours is not something she wants to do all the time.

So if your DD is by chance friends with mine...know that my DD really likes her and is glad to be her friend...she just needs some space! Saying she'd rather stay home for Shabbos is not a rejection of your DD, nor is her not calling her every single evening a lack of friendship.

Space.....downtime.....chill time.....

Ruchel

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 12:13 pm

To many kids, friendship at school (recess, cantina...) and an occasional Sunday outing (or not) is enough socialization. Days are long at school.

Sometimes, also, they do wish for (more) friends but zeh ma yesh, you don't get to get along with everyone, and they stay acquaintances.

Very mature kids, or very immature kids, can feel at odds with the class. Same for a frum child in public school or a frei kid in a very frum class, btw.

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Apr 10 2016, 9:18 am

Op, I see this post is from a few years ago so I'm wondering how your daughter is doing now . My 14 DD has no friends and no one to get together with and it kills me . She has ADHD inattentive type (no hyperactivity ) . I think her biggest issue is that she has low self esteem and comes across as needy . The girls in the neighborhood don't come over or call to get together with her on shabbos . The girls in her class never call to talk or to hang out . She's always hanging around me and my husband and I'm feeling resentful . A girl her age shouldn't hang around her parents all day. She's seen various therapists over the years but I'm not seeing much progress. Right now I'm looking into a therapist , Eta fuereman. Anyone ever use her or know how I can help my daughter ??