Angel at home, Terror in Gan?

amother

Thu, May 31 2007, 10:01 am

Okay, Angel and Terror might be exaggerating it, but...
I have a son who I think basically has good middos b'h. He is sweet, affectionate, has a great sense of humor and seems (at least to me) kind.
Since he was 2, I have not been able to keep him in a gan. Why? Hitting, biting scratching kicking. All kinds of bad behavior.

Because of this behavior and a profound speech delay, we have sent him to a special haredi gan in Yirushalaim to deal with this problem (he is 3 1/2...couldn't behave at regular cheder either.)

I talked to the social worker at the gan today, and she described a boy I don't even recognize! I never see him hit in the park? Okay, he is rough with his younger brother sometimes, but I don't know what they are talking about. They say he hates to be touched and hits as a reaction, but at home, he is hugging and kissing us all the time, and the baby.

What is going on here? I once had a babysitter go to the gan to observe, and she said he is a totally different child in gan. She doesn't even recognize the same lovable, bright and sweet kid she sees in our home.

So does he just hate gan? Did he get bullied along time ago in the original gan and is sustaining the trauma? I have heard and read a lot about agressive behavior and speech delays, but not all kids with speech delays act as aggressively as he apparently does.

The social worker seemed surprised that I seemed like a relatively normal person, given his behavior. I showed her baby pictures of him smiling, and she seemed shocked! How can such a wonderful child be so horrible in gan? And what can I do about it (the social worker is making me feel that I"m at fault...perhaps a bit, but if I'm at home and he's at gan, what can I do?)
Crying

happymom

Thu, May 31 2007, 10:23 am

two year olds do not know what to do when they are upset, or in a "fight" with peers. that is why its so importnat for a GOOD teacher to step in and teach what to do. some kids get so frustrated when things arent being delat with fairly they will kick and scratch etc... I was a teacher for 3 years. I had kids in my class like that. However they learned the right way to do something when something bothers them . some quickly and some with many reminders. so I had to remove from the group for a while and explain that we need to make sure our classroom is safe. so to me it sounds like is something worng with the teacher?? are there way to many kids to focus on? what is bothering him and making him so upset?

oh I forgot to mention of course if he has a speech delay he is doing this! how else is he suppose to communicate frustrationms?? if someone grabs something away lets say and the teacher doesnt do anything about it for whatever reason....if he canbt communicate properly of course he will be physical.....
[/quote]the social worker is making me feel that I"m at fault...perhaps a bit, but if I'm at home and he's at gan, what can I do?)[quote]

why? do u let him do and have whatever he wants whenever he wants it? do u give him things when he acts up? if yes then that could be a reason, but if not then it doesnt make sense and somehting about that gan is not right..

\

amother

Thu, May 31 2007, 10:33 am

amother wrote:

I have a son who is now in his twenties and is B"H a happily married Kollel serious learner.

Don't lose sleep. Do the best that you can, and remember that many children change drastically over time.

I forgot to mention that my son behaved similarly at that age and also had a speech delay.

Have Nachas, don't let it get to you. I wish someone had told me that twenty years ago. I got many gray hairs over him.

amother

Thu, May 31 2007, 11:20 am

happymom

Quote:

why? do u let him do and have whatever he wants whenever he wants it? do u give him things when he acts up? if yes then that could be a reason, but if not then it doesnt make sense and somehting about that gan is not right..

No, we are in fact, quite strict with him. Perhaps he feels like he can get whatever he wants in gan because they can watch him enough. But what gan can watch a kid every second?

songbliss

Thu, Jun 07 2007, 8:56 am

try finding out what goes on there... you have to find out if its the gan or you're son... if u assume its the gan and u move ur son, it could make him feel he can do what he wants b/c if he has a hard time u'll move him. but if its truly the gan... perhaps its just not the right environmnet for him

happymom

Fri, Jun 08 2007, 4:28 am

Quote:

maybe he is not ready yet and still needs to be at home.

I agree. but I wouldnt be so quick to boil at your son. who knows whats going on there, they are prob dealing with things totally wrong, or like some not good teachers, not dealing with them at all! which makes kids frustrated and act up, why not go see for yourself??

amother

Fri, Jun 08 2007, 6:02 am

I kept him home for an extra year. He is already 3 1/2 and needs to learn to get along with other kids. This is a special gan or his speech and behavioral problems. I have confidence in them. I was talking with a therapist, and it might be that perhaps I am too controlling at home, and he feels freer to "express himself" in a negative way at gan...does this make sense to anyone? I'll watch this...and my tone of voice...

songbliss

Mon, Jun 25 2007, 11:13 am

anything is possible.. maybe try when he gets home really give him time to play and get out his energy. maybe the day is too long for him? if you try to give him more freedom at home then maybe he'll feel less "stressed out" to misbehave in gan.
try different methods.. and stick to them.. somethings bound to work!