sending my son away

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Nov 23 2016, 9:13 pm

hi! I need some advice regarding sending my son away, he is a very bright 15 yrs old, I have one option where I live ( he was in that school for the last two years ), where he goes everyday but the level is not for him, he goes but really just seats in school de all day not gaining much, we believe as parents that in this modern life kids have to be motivated and feel challenged, the way things are we don't see how the outcome could be ok, now the dilemma is: my husband wants to send him away ( few hrs flight ) and my son cries that he can't do it, misses home etc etc, my hart is broken , I know that will be great for him to go away to a place where he could actually learn something and gain from it but as a mother my hart is broken to pieces,,, any advice ?

familyfirst

Wed, Nov 23 2016, 9:20 pm

There is more to a child's development than academic knowledge. If he is. It psychologically and emotionally ready to leave than don't send him. ( this from a woman whose boys learn out of town!) spend the extra money you would have spent on flights, etc and hire local tutors to teach him privately. Thank G-d that your son likes living at home. Give him time. He may be ready to leave in another year or two. Regardless, he'll be leaving g for college at age 18. Even if he doesn't go to college, at that point yiu can insist. But 15 really is young.

Good luck!

anonymrs

Wed, Nov 23 2016, 9:20 pm

I agree with you that it is very unhealthy for a child to be bored at school. I also think that if a child isn't ready to separate, it could be the worst thing to force it. It really could crush him.

Is there a school that he can attend in the same town as relatives, maybe grandparents? Or somewhere that's closer to home and he can come home more often, maybe even every shabbos?

Maybe he can join some type of enrichment class? Extra learning to challenge him?

singleagain

Wed, Nov 23 2016, 9:27 pm

you said your son cries he can't do it... has he ever been away for an extended time? does he have anxieties that can be coming into play?

when it was time for me to go to high school, I remember looking at several, but never really considered going anywhere other than the local high school, continuing from the elementary school with all my friends... and my mother knew the local place was not good for me, bc I didn't fit into their mold of what a student should be... but I was very stubborn and really really refused.

obviously, my life would have been very different if my mom had forced me to go elsewhere... but am I happy she didn't.... I can't answer that, bc god only knows what would have happened... I made the best out of my situation and it ended up teaching me a lot about myself and how to deal with certain life situations.

my advice: you and dh should sit down with son, maybe with a professional, if you feel it will help, and try to figure out why he is resistant to the idea. then together, see if you can set up tools that will make everyone happy.

I have terrible social anxiety, and I was terrified of leaving my friends and starting over. I had to do that anyway, cause I went from a small class of 18 girls to nearly 90 and most of my friends weren't in my classes. I still am learning how to properly deal with intense social situations. but throwing me in the deep water, probably wouldn't have been the best thing for me back then... whereas it might be for your ds. --- then again, your ds might have very different reasons for being resistant.

one last thing: you said you feel the place he is now isn't challenging enough... can you compromise and find local activities/classes for him?

Chayalle

Wed, Nov 23 2016, 9:38 pm

No two experiences are the same, but as the wife of a husband who was sent OOT to yeshiva at 15, I say KEEP HIM HOME. That's what DH would say, too. Especially if you don't have close family that could be like surrogate parents in the place you would send him to.

Do you have a Rav whom you can talk to about this, someone that would see the whole picture and advise you?

essie14

Thu, Nov 24 2016, 1:02 am

IMO it will be far worse for his psychological health for him to be away and miserable and then he won't get any of the benefits of the school. Perhaps you can get him a private teacher to challenge him or some enrichment or things like that.
My son goes to school 45-60 min away (lives at home and commutes everyday) and we thought he would hate the commute. (He previously had a 3 min commute for the first 8 years of his school career)
He loves the school so much that he is up and catching the bus on time every single day.
If your son is crying at the idea of going far away I wouldn't do it at 15.

imasinger

Thu, Nov 24 2016, 6:00 am

You might want to look into CTY. http://cty.jhu.edu/

He could take online accelerated courses and still be under your roof.

There are community colleges that will allow 11th graders to take online or night school courses, if they qualify. That's an option for more challenge while living at home, too.

Encourage him to do shorter stints sleeping away. Sooner or later, even if he stays home now, he will graduate, and hopefully want to move on.

Has he been to summer camp?

amother

cornflower

Thu, Nov 24 2016, 7:33 am

Chayalle wrote:

Why do you say this?

PinkFridge

Thu, Nov 24 2016, 7:45 am

Rabbi Noach Orlowek and other noted mechanchim say that if at all possible, if the home is a good, healthy place (and not necessarily a 2 parent home, of course) it's best to keep high school boys home as long as possible even if the school's not a perfect fit.
Now the question comes up when the school's not just a perfect fit but not a place conducive for positive growth, etc.
Are your only options a few hours plane ride away? Is there anywhere close enough to be able to bring him home for off Shabbasos or for your husband to drive in on an occasional Sunday to daven and learn there for a few hours?

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Nov 24 2016, 2:56 pm

I think a 15 year old is old enough to be allowed to make this decision by himself.

On another note, you have to ask yourself which would be worse for your son: emotional inadequacies or academic inadequacies?

But really, let your son decide, he is old enough. And if he does change his mind later, he'll be going of his own free will which will be much less damaging to him emotionally.

amother

Purple

Thu, Nov 24 2016, 2:57 pm

emotional health is so much more important than academics.

It's a whole lot easier to find ways to challenge him academically than it will be to heal him emotionally down the line if you really send him away against his wishes. 15 is young! So many kids struggle leaving home even at 18.

I went away for a year when I was 14. No one forced me, it was my choice. And still it was hard. All the families who had boarders were in it purely for the money and it absolutely showed. The girls who lived in the dorm had their own issues.

I know so many people who were sent away from home because their parents felt the schools were better elsewhere, and they are ALL adamant that they would never do it to their own kids.

Look at the Chabad community. Shluchim used to send their kids away at very young ages so they could be in Jewish schools with other Jewish kids. The new generation of shluchim - the ones who were sent away - are finding ways to keep their kids home for longer because they paid for the price for it.

OP - please take this seriously. Your son is begging you not to send him. Please listen to him.

(And btw, if you don't push it now, he may surprise you in another year or two and be ready on his own.)

debsey

Thu, Nov 24 2016, 3:00 pm

OP, can he go on a pilot trip to visit the school you are thinking of? Sometimes it's just the fear of the unknown, and when he visits the school, he may become enthusiastic about it.

DH had the opposite experience of Chayelle's husband - he was reluctant to go out of town for yeshiva, but went and loved it - now he encourages my own children to at least check it out. We have a mix - kids in town and kids out of town, even though we live in Lakewood.

leah233

Thu, Nov 24 2016, 3:20 pm

amother wrote:

[b]

Even assuming your belief is correct and can not be accomplished in any manner other than sending him on a plane a few hours away if your son is crying that he misses home and can't do it don't force him.

Don't his feelings matter too?

My husband went out of town because back then it was considered the right thing to do. He absolutely would not consider out of town for a high school age son .And he says that today not a single one of his former classmates sends his own children out of town for high school.

But such a serious decision should be asked to someone other than just Imamother. Ask someone you respect, his former teachers etc.