Holding back child whose bday is just before the cutoff

amother

Pearl

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 12:00 pm

B"H our DD was accepted to the elementary school that we wanted for next year (which in Brooklyn is no small thing). However, because her birthday is only a few days before their cutoff, they strongly encouraged us to hold her back a year so that she could be among the oldest in the class instead of the youngest, and they guaranteed us admission for the following year if we do so.

We are hesitant to hold her back because she's quite bright and verbal which we think will help her make up for her age, though at the same time, she may be a little physically and emotionally immature. Additionally, the school has 3 classes of kindergarten, which are divided by age, so the girls she's with will be at most 4 months older than her.

As I said, the school accepted her to go ahead for next year, with the caveat that if she struggles, she can always repeat kindergarten. This is what we're inclined to do, though hearing that the new educational trend is to keep back for the child's emotional development and well-being has us a little confused.

Obviously everything depends on the individual child, and we may try to find somebody to objectively evaluate her, but if anybody here has had children in similar situations, or is a morahs for younger grades, and could share their experiences and insights, I'd really appreciate it.

seeker

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 1:26 pm

Since there are 3 classes, she'd be with kids close to her age, and can repeat with a different morah/also close to her age the next year, I don't see a strong reason to hold her back if she seems ready.

It's really early to have to predict what she'll be up to by September. Maybe you can register now to hold your spot but re-evaluate in the Spring to see if she looks ready.

imasinger

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 1:31 pm

It is really, really hard to be physically and emotionally less mature than your class.

While repeating kindergarten could be an option, it's sounds potentially less stimulating for a smart kid to repeat than to spend an extra year at home or elsewhere before starting school.

Mazel tov on getting her into the school you want!

FranticFrummie

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 1:34 pm

No matter how smart your child is, the most important consideration is her social and emotional maturity. How is she with her peers, especially when it comes to conflict and problem solving? Can she share and cooperate? What if the other kids don't want to play the same game that she does? Does she still cry or tantrum when she's overwhelmed or tired?

My DD was evaluated in second grade, and scored 120 on her IQ test. They said that if her math skill were at grade level, she's be MENSA material. Still, she was at least 2 years behind her peers on the social and emotional scale.

When we made Aliyah I kept her back in 6th grade, and it was the best thing I ever did. It gave her a little breathing space to grow up, and learn how to get along with kids better. Up until then, school had been a constant struggle and source of stress for her. This year she's in 7th grade, and is doing fantastic in social skills. She is so much happier, and it's showing in her grades, too (she even likes algebra!)

amother

Babypink

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 2:11 pm

Hold her back!
I made the mistake of not holding back my very very bright daughter whos birthday is 5 days before.the cut-off date. Only in first grade did it finally become evident that she was socially and emotionally much less mature than the other girls. She is still very bright and knew the academic material cold! She is now repeating first grade and fits in fine maturity wise but is super bored in class this year. I wish I had held her back earlier!

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 2:35 pm

Research is mixed on the benefits of holding back. I think the best we can do as parents is just take it one day at a time and be open to doing whatever is best for our child.

My daughter's birthday is several months after the cutoff for her class. She's only in a 3 year old preschool class, so we feel we have plenty of time to hold her back if that begins to make sense. Right now she loves preschool and she appears to be doing well socially. In the future, we'll see.

seeker

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 2:46 pm

To clarify, I would never advocate "pushing ahead" a child who is outside the cutoff and not quite ready. In this case, there doesn't seem to be any consideration of "pushing ahead," rather just letting the child go with the flow. The cutoff has to be somewhere, and someone has to be the youngest. If there is any indication that the child is not ready, then leave her back. But if she seems to be average for her age and her age is within the cutoff, why bother holding her back? What if you hold her back and THEN she turns up with some kind of learning issue? If you have her repeat a grade at that point then she'd be two years behind!

It's great that they even have that tracking option. At 4 years old a few months here and there can make a big difference. It's hard when there's a full year spread within one class, but the only other option is a class a full year younger. I had that and it was really hard.

esuss

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 3:05 pm

I was in the same situation with my oldes ds. I held him back and it was the best thing I could have done for him. He is a very bright child and very socially mature but still chose this route. He just started Mesivta with a crazy long schedule and he adapted the best from his class. he is the oldest in the class. Academically he is the top and I don't hear complaints how the day is too long, etc. with all milestones he was more than ready to move on without the struggle. Hatzlocha with your decision.

amother

Teal

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 3:58 pm

I'll give my two cents coming from a preschool teacher's point of view. There's definitely a new trend that teachers and principals encourage mothers to repeat their kid if their birthday is right before the deadline. In the school I work in there are even kids with birthdays as far back as Sep that are repeating. There are no rules, you shouldn't make your decision based only on her birthday. You have to look at the whole picture, her behavior emotionally, does she play nicely & appropriately with kids her age? I've had students that had birthdays in Dec that were more mature than their friends who were born in Sep. I think you should sit down with her teacher & the principal & let them tell you what they feel & then make your decision. Best of luck!

TwinsMommy

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 4:07 pm

both of my twins are academically above average and socially/emotionally WAY below average. Personally I don't see that holding them back would have helped anything. They'd STILL Be socially out of whack and even more bored academically than they are. However, because of social/emotional stuff, I've opted NOT to skip grades. There was thought of one twin skipping a grade but they were able to offer other accomodations instead and that worked out better than I think skipping would have. As long as you're working on the social/emotional (social skills groups, therapy, etc), I see nothing wrong with starting a grade when a kid is ready even if she's "only" ready academically.

Maybe My Family

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 4:09 pm

I would suggest holding her back unless she is ready in all areas .... My deadline son ended up repeating kindergarten which is the best thing we could have done for him and he is now one of the older ones in the class .... Social and emotional maturity is also something to take into account not only academic brightness

amother

Navy

Sun, Dec 04 2016, 4:16 pm

There is the now and the later. Your daughter may do fine in kindergarten now.
Now:You will probably not hold her back unless she has many struggles. If she's bright and verbal she would have to be doing very poorly socially formyou to have her repeat.
Later:When the academic challenges are more difficult being a year older with a more developed brain can help when it comes to critical thinking skills. She may have an easier time grasping difficult math concepts or understand what the Ramban is trying to say.
Eventually everyone catches up and reaches their potential but there are those middle years when an advantage like age can make a difference. Like esuss mentioned above, transitions, like to high school can be easier for the more mature students in the grade.
Parents are very often concerned about bright children being bored in class. After teaching for many years I can say that good teachers don't have that problem.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Dec 05 2016, 1:58 pm

amother wrote:

Can you share your dd's birthday? That can make a difference.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Dec 05 2016, 2:37 pm

amother wrote:

Can you share your dd's birthday? That can make a difference.

OP here. The cutoff is December 1, and her birthday is late November. How does that change things?

Thanks to those who've responded. If anybody else has any more advice or similar experience, I'd greatly appreciate hearing it!

dr. pepper

Mon, Dec 05 2016, 2:45 pm

To quote a great mechaneches who told my parents when they faced a similar dilemma with me:
"The greatest gift you can give a child, is another year of childhood"
Please consider holding her back. I am a huge fan of it.
Hatlzocha with your decision.

Last edited by dr. pepper on Mon, Dec 05 2016, 2:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 05 2016, 2:46 pm

I repeated kindergarten even though I passed tests by the school psychologist that indicated I was ready for first grade - two grades beyond my grade level - for social immaturity. I'm forever grateful to the woman who recommended I go back to kindergarten, because I feel that I did really well socially - much better than some of my more brainy siblings who were put ahead, one graduated high school at 16....but had trouble with friends (still does....) and one was bullied, he was the top of his class but suffered in so many other ways.....

amother

Copper

Mon, Dec 05 2016, 2:51 pm

2 of my daughter's were 1 month younger then the cutoff, but both are the youngest in their grade.

both are very tall for their age.

With my oldest it was the smartest decision. She was ready in all areas and is the poster child for the child not to hold back. I think had I held her back at this point she would not be doing well in class now as she would have been bored, as it is she does extra work during class.

With my second (now in Primary) she is doing fine educationally and socially - the teacher is very happy with her. She is happy. But sometimes I wonder if she was emotionally ready. She is the size of children 2 years older then her (wears the same clothing as my second grader) so I don't think I could have held her back just for that reason.

I really think it totally depends on the child, and can sometimes be a mistake to hold back.

mha3484

Mon, Dec 05 2016, 2:55 pm

I have a son who is born two weeks after the deadline. Many people asked why I did not push him ahead. I think an extra year with a shorter day and warm Morah's was really good for him. I have no regrets. He struggles with social skills and immaturity but is probably advanced academically.

The only downside is that if you are the oldest you don't have the option to repeat if necessary so there is a lot of pressure for intervention if a child has challenges of any kind. You can't be 6 in pre k. We did a lot of behavior charts and social skills work so he could go to pre 1a and be successful.

amother

Black

Mon, Dec 05 2016, 3:14 pm

We had twins born near the cutoff (a few days after). They are both smart, and emotionally and physically mature. We didn't push them ahead and it was the worst decision ever.

Years later they skipped a grade and finally were in the right place.

Ask your Dd's current Morahs if they think she's soing well with her peer group. I would start her this fall unless she's really emotionally immature - more so than her peer group.