I yell at my kids and they are babies

amother

Sapphire

Sat, Jan 07 2017, 8:16 pm

emunahmother wrote:

I read ur post and have been trying it out for the passed 2days and it's amazing! I have met rebbetzin machlis and although I vaguely remember her, I do remember how she opened her home to many and was amazing! Can you please share who this rabbi was or even PM me. It has literally changed the way I feel inside.

Not sure who the rabbi is but just to share that this is Miriam Adahan's approach. And you can find it elucidated in her books and lectures.
ETA
We actually just got the book on R. machlis and Im excited to read it Considering the amount of time I have for reading I doubt I'll get the answer of who the rabbiis before someone else can answer here.

BatZion

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 12:04 pm

amother wrote:

A tip I was given recently that's been really helpful for when I feel like I'm repeating myself or my ds is ignoring me, which is one of my big triggers... I kneel down to his level, put my hand on his shoulder and look him in the eye and say whatever I need to say in a firm/serious voice... it's something small that's made a big difference.

Also, trying to identify triggers for myself and setting boundaries before I reach that trigger.

So I actually came back in order to clarify that I feel that there is the "dealing with myself" issue and "dealing with educating my kids" issue which I didnt address last time.

Meaning, R. Machlis is an absolute inspiration for me as far as working on Middot is concerned but what about the cheeky kid who has done something naughty?

So I've been doing just what you've described- after putting little man (almost 2) in his room for two minutes (a literal two minutes) - he calms down and wants to come back to the fun- I then go in, get down, look him in the eyes and explain as simply as possible why he is there and what he should have done I.e. you hit your little brother it hurt him and you should make nice. How do you make nice? He shows me. I praise him and kiss and hug him and tell him I love him. My recent problem is that he figured out that by repeating the last words of my sentences when I'm trying to have the serious talk wiht him, he makes me laugh. Any tips?

I am so, so happy that this book can help even one more person out there- it is a gem.
It is called Emunah with Love and Chicken Soup by Sara Yocheved Rigler. One lady here rightly pointed out a connection to Miriam Adahan. She, along with Rabbi Nivin's Chabura were mentioned (along with many.many others including Rav Usher- one that comes to mind off the top of my head) as sources of inspiration for Rebbetzin Machlis' endless self-work.

The steps that I mentioned were actualy not a part of the chapter called "THe Henny Machlis Guide to Childrearing" but rather part of the chapter "Middos Improvement" but I'm sure it is clear to you ladies how one is so affected by the other.

In the book, there are many, many anecdotes as well as sections called "Henny's Torah Teachings" where Sara Yocheved Rigler brings direct quotations from Henny's classes that she gave over to young and older women. These steps featured in one of those sections. It actually isnt quoted as being a certain person's technique. She brings different Rabbis to back up each step. Having said that I am not acquainted with Miriam Adahan's technique and I think someone further up mentioned it being her technique.

I finished the book in record time and am ready to start again. I literally want to use this book for self-improvement and to improve my parenting. Sorry for hijacking this thread but do check this book out- in case it wasn't clear Wink

- it's a gem!

amother

Natural

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 7:50 pm

I really like all Batzion's comments on this thread.
But I find that such techniques only work well for me when my house isnt flying with all my 2yr old son's older siblings and their needs too...
When involved with his teenage big brothers, or when my 2yr old is acting out during my work hours (I have a playgroup in my house and he is probably the most difficult kid in the group just because he's mine and he knows just how to push my buttons...), that's when I cant just stop everything I'm doing and deal with him as calmly I would like to...
Wish it was easy.

I am really impressed Batzion Smile

good for you!And btw, your almost 2yr old sounds like such an adorable cutie, lol!

amother

Lavender

Tue, Mar 21 2017, 9:54 am

Posting late because I saw this and really relate.
And have something to share that I sort of saw in the previous posts, but didn't see clear cut enough that I would have picked up on it.

When the yelling happens suddenly, you need to recognize that it's not actually sudden. It's very common to ignore your inner voice because you're struggling to stay calm.
So, instead of validating the fact that you're struggling, you're telling yourself to calm down. Emotions need to be validated and if they aren't, they burst out. The calming techniques can ONLY effectively happen after you've given yourself some support and love.

Ex:
Unhelpful thought scenario:
You got no sleep: I can do this. I just need to manage until 5:00.
Toddler got no sleep and tantrums over everything: Just ignore it. S/He's tired. We'll be okay once we get to the park.
Baby throws cereal on the floor: At least I didn't sweep yet.
Toddler touches phone without permission: SNAP!!!! YELL!!!!

Helpful thought scenario:
You got no sleep: Gosh this is rough. Today's going to be hard, but I can do this. I just need to manage until 5:00.
Toddler got no sleep and tantrums over everything: This is really difficult. Let's try some deep breaths. Ok, let's try to get to the park earlier today.
Baby throws cereal on the floor: Argh, this is frustrating. So many difficult things are happening at once and I'm so tired! Ok, let's see if s/he'll "help" me clean up.
Toddler touches phone without permission: You can calmly respond because you've been tending to your emotions.