Collel Wives: Thriving, Getting By or Treading Water?

mimivan

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 5:02 am

I don't know if this was the best place to post this, (Collel wife issues cover a wide variety of topics, so I choose the most general) but I was wondering how other Collel wives cope. Do you feel that one has to have family close by to make it? Do husbands have to lend a hand? Do you have a tradition of Collel in your derech or family, or are you BTs or are Collel "pioneers?"
Do you feel you get enough help? Do you feel you don't need help at all(maybe you don't and are proud of it?)

In general, how do you feel about this way of life? Should it be permanent or just for a few years? When do you know when it is too much already? Or if you feel it if too much, do you think one should just push forward and try harder to make it work? If so, how?

Do you feel it necessary to live at a standard (in terms of parnassa, clean house, child rearing, time spent with husband) lower than what you expected, and are you okay with this?

Anyway...any thoughts welcome! (I personally think this subject deserves its own forum) I'd like to hear from women who are collel wives or who are sympathetic to the idea...it won't be too interesting to read the same old "Collel is filled with guys who need to get a life" kind of comments, but I"m sure there will be...

suomynona

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 5:43 am

this is such a broad question, it's hard to answer. Everyone's situation is so individual.
Assuming that the wife is working to support her husband in kollel, which isn't always the case as many people are being supported by parents or someone else, then I do think that 99% of women need some sort of help, be it husband, family or hired help.

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Do you feel you get enough help?

At this point I feel like I have enough help. Basically all the help falls on m husband since right now I don't have hired help, and don't have any family here.

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In general, how do you feel about this way of life?

I'm for it as long as the husband is being productive in learning. I'm not for it being pushed on an entire population though.

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Should it be permanent or just for a few years?

For most people, it doesn't make sense to be a permanent situation. Also, most men get burnt out if they are only learning full time for years, and don't take some sort of position, like Rebbe etc.

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When do you know when it is too much already?

When financially you can't make it whether it's because the wife can't manage to work anymore or the income is just not enough, or if the husband is burnt out, or just wants to go to work.

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Or if you feel it if too much, do you think one should just push forward and try harder to make it work? If so, how?

that depends on so many factors. You have to discuss whether you can swing it a little bit more, and it's a good idea to discuss with a Rav also. Sometimes a person might be able to swing it for a year or 2 but it makes more sense for the husband to get started on his career at that point.

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Do you feel it necessary to live at a standard (in terms of parnassa, clean house, child rearing, time spent with husband) lower than what you expected, and are you okay with this?

Assuming that kollel couples have less money than non-kollel couples, which is usually the case, then it's necessary to live on a lower standard financially. Child rearing shouldn't be compromised, although it may have to be quality vs. quantity. I personally live on lower standard as far as housekeeping and I am ok with it.

suomynona

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 9:13 am

forgot to answer this question:

mimivan wrote:

Do you have a tradition of Collel in your derech or family, or are you BTs or are Collel "pioneers?"

We're definitely not pioneers. My father and father in law were both in kollel for several years after marriage. All my married siblings and siblings in law are in kollel except one. The wives all work hard to support their families, but since everyone lives near family besides us, they get a lot of help from family (not referring to financial here), which I'm sure helps a lot.
But bear in mind that we're all married 5 years or less, so it's still doable. I don't know how many of us will be in kollel in a few years from now.