Just for laughs! | Imamother

imasoftov

Wed, Mar 14 2018, 11:19 am

Jewishfoodie wrote:

So my people are liars, or comediennes. Lol! They are honest people so I do believe it happened.

My experience of people telling urban legends is that they are neither of the above, and if you ask them to confirm the story with their relative, to whom it actually happened, they'll (either right away or after talking to her) say it wasn't their relative, it was the relative's friend, and if you track down that friend it won't be that friend, it will be that friend's college roommate, and the trail will go cold before you find the person who claims it actually happened to them.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/.....riend

Also see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jokester which fortunately is just a story

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Mar 14 2018, 11:23 am

As with every Jewish grocery store Erev Pesach, the 'lines' get progressively worse, with this......

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Mar 14 2018, 11:31 am

A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn in school today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."

"And how did he do that?" Asked the father,

The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah half to death.
Then while Pharaoh was down, Moses quickly got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has his Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge.

Once they got to the other side of the Nile, they immediately blew up the bridge, while the Egyptians were desperately trying to cross."

The father was horrified.
"Is that what the Rabbi taught you?" he demanded

The boy replied, "No, dad, but you'd never believe the story he DID tell us... "

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Mar 14 2018, 11:49 am

An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.

Shocked, the Rabbi does so. The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is an Egged bus driver. The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in with much fanfare, ahead of the Rabbi.

When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and says,

"You can come in now." The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside, alone.

The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says,

"I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Rabbi. I've worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus driver gets led in by a band of angels, ahead of me?"

The angel says, "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you gave a sermon, the people slept.

But whenever the bus driver drove, the people prayed."

shanie5

Tue, Mar 20 2018, 9:35 pm

A jewish atheist wants his son to get a good education. He checks out many schools and decides to send his son to The Holy Trinity School as they had the best education, despite it being a religious school.

A few weeks into the school year, the son comes home all excited "Daddy, daddy, guess what we learned today? We learned what the holy trinity is. It's the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost".

The father gets very upset, takes his son by the shoulders, gives him a little shake and says "Son, listen to me now and remember this. There is only ONE G_D and we don't believe in HIM!"

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 2:52 pm

This is so so not FUNNY! I'm super embarrassed!

If you even smile I'll feel awful.

I sent a message to my Rav about a heter we needed, and my phone autocorrected it as heterosexual. And before you say that I must have use the word before and it's a "remembered word" on the phone, I have never, never, NEVER texted that word prior to today.

I always read and reread before I hit send. Today, I was cooking and trying to type and trying to get permission to use a specific medicine and now my Rav must think I'm a sicko! I feel like crying..

I quickly sent a follow up message that my phone autocorrected it and I apologized but still.. It's horrible.

I can probably be Patur from eating marror this year.. This was a bitter pill to swallow

Sunny Days

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 3:01 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

Absolutely. this is no laughing matter. I have tears streaming down my face while reading this. look, I'm not your rav, and my semicha has still not been issued (just a delay with processing center, not my fault at all). but, I will say you must undertake a 'tanis dibur' to do tshuva for this. as of Friday Sundown till Sunday evening you shall not text especially to your dayan.
And a Gut Yom tov to you too!

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 3:19 pm

gamzehyaavor wrote:

I would benefit more from just a Taanis... There's milk chocolate everywhere I look. But thank you for feeling my pain. I wish my Rav would be here so he can see how sorry I am..

I will NOT tell DH this story.

cbsp

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 7:20 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

This is so so not FUNNY! I'm super embarrassed!

I quickly sent a follow up message that my phone autocorrected it and I apologized but still.. It's horrible.

Snip

I can probably be Patur from eating marror this year.. This was a bitter pill to swallow

Oy, you have my sympathy. I'm cringing for you...

About the bolded, I actually was just about to post this in the adorable thread but if it will make you feel better I'll put it here:

My DS6 takes assorted meds daily. Most of them smell quite vile to me but he's never really complained. All that changed when he was prescribed iron. He makes a huge deal about taking this (not so little) green pill. Tonight he looked at it and casually mentioned that there's no need for Totty to buy horseradish this year for maror because he has so many iron pills and he's willing to share.

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Apr 11 2018, 8:24 pm

cbsp wrote:

That's adorable!

It reminds me of the time one of my daughters was on the short side and her doctor recommended that she take a Zinc pill every day before bedtime. She was approximately an 8th grader at the time, and after 2 weeks of forcing her to take them, she put her foot down and absolutely refused to take any more, because she said the nausea it gave her kept her up all night.

In an effort to show her how harmless vitamins are, I told her I would take one gladly, and show her I was fine. The next morning, before she left to school, I made a big show of taking one and told her I'd be going to work shortly. Of course, I felt perfectly fine.

Half an hour later, a friend and I met for breakfast (a muffin, coffee, maybe eggs and salad,) and in the restaurant, while my friend is talking to me, I look up at her, green as grass, and tell her I'm gonna hurl and I'm not going to make it to the bathroom in time.

My friend assumed I was pregnant and she gave me a bag, to help me stop panicking (imagine vomiting in public. Thank you.) And stayed with me until I was ready to tiptoe to the one and only restroom there. I wasn't pregnant, FYI

I almost vomited in public.

And when I came home, I threw out 2 bottles of zinc tablets (one never even opened.. I always buy 2 of things) and hugged my daughter when she came hope and of course, apologized profusely.

Sad, but true..

Edited to thwart autocorrect.

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Apr 12 2018, 1:03 am

losingweight wrote:

True story before pesach.

An elderly mother and her son work in a hardware store together. The customers are in line to toivel their purchases and the older women anounces to her son " this lady is waiting for tevila".

Hysterical!
And on Erev Pesach, many moons ago, one of my adorable DDs asked me,

"When is Tatty doing the Bedikah?"

It took me a good twenty seconds to reach the conclusion that she meant Bedikas Chometz.

That was the first story I told her, after she learned about Taharas Hamishpacha..