Making sure your child "fits in"

mommy3b2c

Fri, Aug 17 2018, 3:45 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

There are queen bees like you who fit in and have friends no matter what. They're the kids who can get their clothes from the Goodwill, and create a trend.

Must be nice for you. Actually, I have one like that, and it really is awfully nice for him.

Not every kid is like that. In fact, most kids aren't like that. And for the kid who is shy and awkward and anything but the queen bee, it can be difficult. And that kid feels even more awkward and strange and out of place walking into a room filled with Kipling bags while carrying a Walmart special.

I was going to say exactly this. Sure, there are those lucky few that will be popular no matter what, but that’s not the norm.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Aug 17 2018, 3:49 pm

DVOM wrote:

Interesting post, Thunder. I've of two minds about this. I treasure my uniqueness and did as a child too. I wanted things like every kid does, but it wasn't necessarily the 'popular' things. I had lots of friends and a great elementary and high school experience despite not looking like everyone else and not having most of the 'popular' stuff.

On the other hand, one of my kids is the more awkward, shy and socially clueless sort, and I definitely find myself trying to make sure that he has the right stuff. In fact, at the start of the school year, I'm the mom taking note of all the other kids clothing and sneakers and backpacks at drop off. A friend who has a child with a similar makeup to mine calls this 'bullyproofing." At the same time, I want my son to be who he is, to find his own voice and be proud of it. It's a very fine balance, trying to help him fit it, trying to help him celebrate his uniqueness.

I have the same with one of my sons. I celebrate his uniqueness, but at the same time I make sure he has all of the latest styles, accessories and toys. I don’t need to give him extra reasons to be bullied. Bh he is doing great and has lots of friends.

Bleemee

Fri, Aug 17 2018, 4:18 pm

amother wrote:

Speaking as a former akward kid with a dd who has the same personality as me but is thriving in school because of the choices I am making. Because I am giving her everything I needed but didn’t get. When I watch her being super confident with her friends while also treasuring her quiet personality my heart swells with joy to see her so successful while also pining for the me that could have existed if only my mother had done for me what I do for my dd.
But my mother didn’t know. It wasn’t her fault. I do know. So I do what I can.

Can you elaborate on those choices, and what you as a parent can do?

nylon

Fri, Aug 17 2018, 4:37 pm

I was a very unpopular kid. My mom tried to help. She bought what she could, if I said everyone has a new Jansport, or everyone is wearing Bass penny loafers (I am dating myself Smile

) I would get them. If I wanted to shop in the Gap, fine. She couldn't do everything, but she tried. It didn't help.

My sister, meanwhile, was very popular. She tended to notice more what my mom couldn't provide, but it wasn't an impediment for her. She's naturally very social, and I am not.

"Fitting in" only goes so far. I'm not so naive as to think it never matters, but if you have an awkward kid, it may not be the styles. It does help the kid's self esteem somewhat though. I look at it as not making the kid's life harder than it needs to be. If she doesn't have her own sense of style (a kid who really knows what they want can usually pull it off, or doesn't care) it's good for them not to be too far out of sync and feel like they are completely out of it and give the mean kids an extra thing to pick on. But there's no use trying to keep up with the richest kids in school.

nechamashifra

Fri, Aug 17 2018, 5:00 pm

While it’s normal for a child/teenager to think that they must get whatever backpack or shoes “are in” in order to fit in, our hopes are (or should be) that they outgrow this way of thinking because as intelligent adults we know that this is wrong and shallow. So while I’m not going to deny my teenagers for wanting the latest trend, I’ll most certainly not feed into it by doing the research myself for them. It’s one thing to give in to their stupidity (yes kids and teenagers do stupid things and that should be expected - they’re kids!) but it’s another thing to actually encourage it. If you think you’re teaching your child about self-esteem by asking around what’s “in” right not, I think you’re doing the exact opposite.

amother

Black

Fri, Aug 17 2018, 6:04 pm

dear posters: I know I am a bit off topic, but why not start a start a thread "Making sure I fit in"?"
More and more, I see young mothers with a baby in a designer carriage, toddler in tow,
children tugging along looking like they "fit in". What is going on? Are these the girls that
are raised on grueling studies of Chumash, rashi, ramba, kli yakar? AM I SEEING RIGHT?
AM I SEEING ONE PIECE OF GASHMIUSH?
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT more and more frum young women are trying to fit into some type of mold they dubbed openminded. They are running and running and running after more and more and more of a lifestyle that doesnt fit a mother who is supposed to be a model of yiras shamayim and love of hashem for her children and husband and the people around her.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 3:51 pm

DD was an awkward, socially off kid, nerdy and sometimes too loud, bossy and dominating the conversation, etc.

I didn't worry about her clothes, I worried about her middos. By teaching her how to interact more appropriately, working on her self esteem, and giving her pride in her individuality, she grew up not wanting to be like everyone else, and liking herself for who she is.

She never got caught up in the latest whatever. When high top Converse shoes were a big thing in her school, I bought her two pair of knock offs, in her size and one size up (they were on BOGO sale). The girls in her class teased her about not having the "real" brand, but she said "Well, you paid twice as much for your shoes, and there's no difference. I got two pairs for your one!" Tongue Out

IMHO, it's more important to give you kid inner confidence, than it is to give them outer confidence. It's much harder, but far more rewarding, and will last them for a lifetime - long after they've forgotten what brand of backpack they had in 4th grade.

DVOM

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 10:12 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I worry about both, FF. I want my socially awkward son to be kind, sensitive to the feelings of others, empathic, confident, aware of his emotions, giving. But I fear he will not be able to learn all of these good middos if he doesn't have a healthy social sphere to learn them in outside of our family. I want him to feel safe and comfortable in his school, in our neighborhood. In order to do that, I try to get him the right stuff. In and of themselves, the right shoes and football jersey and backpack mean nothing to me, but as social currency, I feel they have value.

das

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 11:02 pm

amother wrote:

When I go out, I see so many lovely frum women and their adorable children. I'm not checking out their brand of carriage or clothes or deciding if their a model of ahavas Hashem etc. Maybe before you waste your energy wondering if others are running after gashmius, wonder if something in you needs changing.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh, but this holier than thou judgey attitue really gets my goat.

amother

Scarlet

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 11:15 pm

Bleemee wrote:

Can you elaborate on those choices, and what you as a parent can do?

I have the same question.
Id like to notice what my awkward son would meed to help with the Bully proofing as DVMOM put it. . Problem is I really don't notice... and when I make conscious effort to notice - im not even sure I get it right and Isn't first day of school too late?
Signed-
An obvious socially-awkward mom.
- Who somehow got away with it being a huge issue in school but is struggling now for my kids sake.

poster said to be confident and I’m wondering how and what those steps she takes are

naturalmom5

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 12:16 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Unfortunately, this can backfire big time.. My husband was a suburban upper middle class high school.. He started becoming observant when he was around 14.
From the beginning, he was always, bullied in school, because he was very socially awkward and very smart. Think, 3rd grade, coming to class with lunch still on face, not knowing how to tie shoes , but on a 9th grade reading level. The teachers in higher grades made it worse, by saying, "laugh at ploni now, you will be washing cars, and he will be working for NASA"

In High School, he had one of the highest SAT scores, as well as highest marks on Physics and Trig Regents. There were three thousand kids in his PS, but he was the only one with long payos and tzitzis sticking out. His feeling was I don't have to impress non-jews..
The problem is that now he is in his 50s. He can go to a chabura in yeshiva. If the other guys don't know the sugya backwards and forwards, with the Ketzos and R Akiva Eiger, he looks at them like zevel in the street..

PinkFridge

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 11:06 am

amother wrote:

I'm in the middle of a book called The Beauty Suit. It's written by a progressive female pastor and while I disagree with quite a lot of her theology (religion as largely man-made, other points) her general thesis, that there is a "look" that women feel a need to cultivate and wear as their public face, is antithetical to true modesty is quite thought-provoking. All cultures have their suits. The question I see is, what balance do we strike and still maintain our integrity?