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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
amother
Gold
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 2:50 pm
Hi
A non Jew I work with closely just lost his wife.
What is the protocol? Do people send flowers? Food?
Also-can you please give me ideas of what to write on the card...
Thank you!
(I want to do it right because it gives me a big opportunity to make a kiddish Hashem)
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amother
Yellow
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 2:59 pm
You can send flowers or a food platter, or make a donation to a (non-church) charity in her memory, if you know something about her. Write a note, just saying how sorry you are for his loss. If you have a memory of his wife (even an indirect one, like how cheerful she sounded when she called the office) share it. And when he returns to work, check in with him.
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sequoia
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 3:01 pm
amother wrote: |
(I want to do it right because it gives me a big opportunity to make a kiddish Hashem) |
But also cuz he’s like, really sad right now.
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amother
Bronze
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 3:01 pm
In my experience, send flowers and write on the card “I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful wife, please know we’re keeping you in our thoughts. May you find peace during this time.” I wouldn’t send food unless you sign up specifically for a meal train or something. Card and flowers are a wonderful gesture; if she was passionate about a cause maybe also donate in her memory.
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Chayalle
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 3:05 pm
When my mother A"H passed away, my coworkers (Jewish and non-Jewish) sent me a beautiful basket of chocolates from Oh Nuts, along with a card. I would think that they send what the consider appropriate. I think it would be okay to do something like this.
It was very thoughtful of them and I was touched.
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zaq
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 3:11 pm
Just send a nice card and contribute to flowers if someone from the office takes up a collection. A commercial card with printed sentiment is fine but add a few personal words like “I’m sorry for your loss” “Marietta was a lovely person and I will miss her.” or “ May the love of your family comfort you in your sorrow.”
.
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amother
Ecru
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 3:12 pm
I've never heard of sendng flowers to the bereaved.
If you can, find out what arrangements are being made for the funeral. It's usually either flowers or donations. If it's flowers, they need to go to the undertaker. Donations to the charity chosen by the family can also be sent to the undertaker or left in a designated place at the funeral itself.
Your attendance at the funeral would be appreciated if you are able to go. Sympathy cards are also appreciated.
Sending meals isn't a "done thing" for bereavement specifically, but it certainly can't hurt to offer a meal if the bereaved needs.
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greenfire
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 3:17 pm
non-jewish death is like anything you would do for a jewish death ... maybe sans the 7 days of shiva
some small token to let them know you're sad they are grieving
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Ruchel
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 3:51 pm
NOn Jews come in literally hundreds of cultures
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Amarante
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 7:11 pm
If you have a close relationship with this person (I.e. more than just a co-worker) you would treat the death just as you might for any friend. IME, co-workers who aren't super close generally just chip in flowers as an offering from the department.
Food or flowers are generally appropriate. There isn't such a thing as food trains because there aren't seven days of shiva. I have known people who send a beautiful plant. Flowers are not given among Jews but are very common among non-Jews. But chocolate or cookies - I.e. something that isn't a meal is appropriate.
However, what is very common is that people will state "contribution to X in lieu of flowers". If there is some way that you can find this out in advance, that would be good. However, even if you don't know, it is appropriate to make a contribution to a charity that is meaningful to your friend in some way - typically if a person died of cancer there is a donation to cancer research or some other organization that a person might have volunteered with or had an affinity with. Although flowers are appropriate, among many people they are viewed as a waste of money and therefore the charitable contribution is viewed favorably - to the point where it appears in the death notices.
And a personal note is always appropriate even if you buy a card - avoid any of the usual tactless statements which I am sure you wouldn't have written anyway. Three paragraphs is the norm. Since you probably don't have any personal interaction with the deceased, some reference to your friend and how the friend's fine attributes were a tribute to the parent is generally appropriate.
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Cheiny
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 7:13 pm
sequoia wrote: | But also cuz he’s like, really sad right now. |
The kiddush Hashem aspect should take precedence in a frum person’s life....the sadness of the mourner will be addressed at the same time. One doesn’t cancel out the other.
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chmom
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 7:26 pm
Cheiny wrote: | The kiddush Hashem aspect should take precedence in a frum person’s life....the sadness of the mourner will be addressed at the same time. One doesn’t cancel out the other. |
That is a very cold thing to say. Have you never gotten to know somebody who isn’t jewish and realized that they are just as human as you are?
„I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? „
Good ole William
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amother
cornflower
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 9:10 pm
Send flowers unless the obituary specifies “in lieu of flowers please make a donation to XYZ charity in the deceased’s name.” Sometimes offices will take up a collection for a gift/flowers for the bereaved or even straight up money.
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amother
Brown
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 10:19 pm
Definitely talk to your coworkers about doing something together. I have made donations to the bereaved person's preferred cause and sent sympathy cards. I don't know if you're comfortable with this (also AYLOR), but instead of attending the funeral, you could go to the wake/viewing if there is one. When a very close coworker lost her father, I went to the viewing with some other coworkers. It was in a funeral home, not a church, and it was kind of like a shiva call except that you line up to pay your respects to the family. (I did not look at or go near the body). It didn't take a lot of time and it was a way to show my friend that I cared.
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Israeli_C
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Wed, Feb 06 2019, 11:49 pm
TBH I wouldn't send flowers. Especially to a man. A thoughtful note goes a long way. I think he'd appreciate food more than anything else. Maybe that's just me thinking about my husband who'd leave a bouquet to rot on the counter without thinking of putting it into water and would go hungry without me around to fill up the fridge :/
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amother
Burlywood
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Thu, Feb 07 2019, 3:48 am
sequoia wrote: | But also cuz he’s like, really sad right now. |
nominating this for post of the year.
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Raisin
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Thu, Feb 07 2019, 7:13 am
Israeli_C wrote: | TBH I wouldn't send flowers. Especially to a man. A thoughtful note goes a long way. I think he'd appreciate food more than anything else. Maybe that's just me thinking about my husband who'd leave a bouquet to rot on the counter without thinking of putting it into water and would go hungry without me around to fill up the fridge :/ |
I agree. He just lost his wife. He may not be in the mood to cook, even if he is able, so some nourishing food or cookies or homemade challah would likely be appreciated. If you do send food, send reheating and freezing instructions in case he is clueless about that type of thing.
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