What is a child's reaction to constantly being appeased?

amother

Lemon

Sun, Feb 17 2019, 1:33 pm

My oldest is a 4 and a half year old girl. Shes very sweet natured and very eager to please . Shes a also a little bit a nervous child and she tends to be on the more naive side (doesnt look for things we hide from her, not sneaky or malicious at all)
Because shes very good I dont like saying no to her a lot, however when I do say no I'm very adamant that I'm not going back on my word. I find myself pacifying her a lot thou because I dont like to hear her beg and cry over silly things. Heres a typical example: on erev shabbos my inlaws came and brought a new cup for her younger sister, she was very jealous and wanted it and I explained that shes too big for It and that's why they didnt get her one. She wanted me to take it away from her sister so that she can have it . I said no. Instead of letting her cry I found myself going thru the cabinets looking for a cup that would excite her ... while doing this 10 mins before candle lighting I realized that I'm ALWAYS doing this for her . Saying no to something but looking for something else to appease her with. Maybe she subconsciously knows and literally can not hear no anymore . Am I crippling her by doing this? She has become so hard to say no to and shes been acting so obnoxious because of it ...

amother

Slategray

Sun, Feb 17 2019, 1:36 pm

I think you answered your own question.

amother

Olive

Sun, Feb 17 2019, 1:46 pm

I realized I do that with my 3 year old too. When I'm concious of it I can usually choose another option like validating " you really want that cup! You really really want it! It's making you so sad that you can't have that cup!" It's amazing how well this works. " But that cup is not for you". I do tell him to go find his blankie to help him self sooth and hugs...

amother

Lemon

Sun, Feb 17 2019, 2:00 pm

amother wrote:

I realized I do that with my 3 year old too....

That's great advice. Gonna share with DH because we are both losing it Wink

thanks !

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Feb 17 2019, 2:03 pm

amother wrote:

Exactly this! She will develop so much emotionally from this approach, whereas what you're doing now is feeding into her inability to feel any disappointment.

Cheiny

Sun, Feb 17 2019, 3:46 pm

amother wrote:

You’re doing your child no favors. You’re doing YOURSELF a favor because you don’t want to hear or deal with her tantrums. If you continue to give in every time, you are training her to never take no for an answer because she’ll know that if she carries on long enough, you’ll always give her what she wants. In addition to growing up spoiled, she will be completely crippled and unprepared to handle any adversity or problem in life. Not to mention what her future husband will have on his hands...l

ra_mom

Sun, Feb 17 2019, 3:49 pm

All she wants is to feel validated and be able to feel safe when she cries. She wants to know that you can handle it when she's sad or disappointed and that you'll allow her to have her own feelings and reactions.

amother

Blue

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 5:56 am

I made the same mistake with my oldest child. Big mistake. Every time he cried I would
Shut him down saying it’s not a big deal or appease him with something else. When he was about eight he ended up in therapy to get in touch with emotions. I was taught by the therapist to do as above to just validate his feelings. Oh - I see this so upsetting to you.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 6:01 am

I agree with the general response here.
Meet me: an adult in her thirties who can’t handle disappointment because I always cried and got appeased. It’s really crippling. And my personality sounds exactly like ops daughter. A good little girl who always went with the flow and was pretty much happy with anything, but if I ever got upset, I just couldn’t handle it. And I’m still like that.

flowerpower

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 6:02 am

The problem starts when parents are afraid of their childs reaction. Instead of helping the child handle disappointment ( they will have plenty in life) they feed into it. I know because I caught myself doing it to my preschooler at one point. It’s work on the parents end. Instead of doing that constantly you can validate the child. After a few times the child will learn how to regulate her feelings with your help and you will be less afraid her reaction.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 6:14 am

I have the same problem exactly twofold- I have 2 boys a year apart who think they're twins. So if 1 gets something from his school the other 1 expects the same, or me to appease them with something similar. I guess this developed by me comparing them and doing everything together for them like twins. It's really hard, I don't know how to make the separation.
No advice, but feels good to know you're not alone.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 6:55 am

OP here. Thank you e.o for replying. I really needed to hear that she will never be able to handle disappointment as an adult, will need therapy etc .
I already started working on it . She didnt want to wear her new shoes today because they are not a color she likes . I told her these are her new shoes and she has to wear them but I'm sorry she doesnt like them . We were in her room so I asked her if she wants to rest with her teddy and she did and she pretended to cry and then she got up and moved on and was happy like nothing happened.
😁

ra_mom

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 7:08 am

Great progress lemon!

Tzutzie

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 7:16 am

Dont beat yourself up. Children that age can learn quickly. Just change your way and she'll pick up on it soon enough.

I totally agree with letting her feel the disappointment and whatever hard feelings and validating her. But letting it be hers to feel and overcome.
By dealing with her having difficulties, you are showing her that you can handle anything and she will feel safer = happier.
Don't kid yourself, she will still have tandrums. Even long and difficult ones every now and then. But it'll pass and she'll be a stronger person for it.

My mil is the grandest appeaser of all.
And very few of her kids can handle any negative emotions.
When we're there, if a kid cries I have to run over to deal that second or else they are stuffed with taffies and lollipops. Even 2 or 3 if the crying doesn't stop right away it's insane. And I see my Sils doing the same with their kids. I also have a sister like that.
And they are not happy kids at all. They are always licking lolipops, and forever kvetching.
I hate sending my kids there and when I have one of their lids, it usually takes 2 days and all the "issues" they talk about suddenly are total non issues.

mom2mysouls

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 7:16 am

She sounds like a healthy 4 yr old girl and you sound like a great caring mother.

There are times I would do the same bc its not WORTH IT for me to have the tantrums (ex: if I have guest over or Im outside on the street)

Other times I may put myself in a 4 yr olds mind and feel she genuinely doesnt understand why her sister got a cup and not her....

But, life is not about getting everything you want. So at times, she will have to give in and accept that she won't get it..

As the mother, I set the tone. If I decide it's a no, I firmly tell my child no and explain why. If they continue crying I stop and very calmly say, "it's not going to change anything, even if you continue crying". Bc I dont always say no, my kids know when I do, I mean it!

Sometimes it takes trial and error, but with consistency they catch on.

And sometimes a kid will cry over the pettiest thing bc they are plain tired/ hungry/cranky...

They key is confidence, stop the guilt, and a healthy balance. As the mother, you know what's right.

baby12x

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 7:32 am

I would recommend reading “how to talk so will listen” and “sibilings without rivalry”. It gives you the tools for this exact issue

9mother

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 7:37 am

amother wrote:

So its pretty amazing that your able to be so tuned in and you see what is making it happen, so now that you see the problem you can reach out for help on jow to help you say no with out feeling guilty and allowing her to cry it out and to understand the word no. Its very important . I think you know that. Right?.
Anyways, a 2bd point I wanted to bring out to you is that, shes 4 she is still little. Grandparents came, didnt give her anything, and just to the younger kid. If your calling her big girl at age 4 for this, im sure shes giving in alot to her younger siblings at age 4 too. And you telling her shes too big for x, y, z .
What I am hearing from this incident, is she felt hurt, and was having a hard time explaining to you that she was hurt(by the fact, her grandparents chose her younger sibling, again, to give something, to, because im exempt again at age 4 for not being treated like a kid). Now she doesnt even know this at that time. Its the subconscious mind.
However, thru you allowing her, to let out her feelings and you sympothise with her(it seems you need to strengthen yourself first in order to be able to sympothise, with her. Its a natural thing that mothers should have, and when they cant sympothize, then they gotta find out why they cant and fix it inwardsly.) Once she feels validated, cared for loved and safe, you will see she will be fine. Its a process .
I remember a few incidents of mine, where it really hurt me to keep to my word of a punishment, because I was so looking foward to reward that kid. But the biggest reward ended up coming out from , me sticking to my word.(then she was 5! ) she was kicking , screaming, yelling, I had to drag her almost,(I worked very hard so she shouldnt hurt herself, I was calm, thru out, the whole ordeal, because I felt that its the right thing to do and this is obviously what she needs now, even though, tryst me, it was really really hard, but I kept being strong and loving and caring, and what came out of the incident was just amazing! - SHE had said "mommy, I did it not because I wanted to do it, because, I was tired and I really didnt want to wait by that freind!"
Now that was chicilate to my ears.
I asked her after wards(even though I knew the answer) why didnt you tell mommy, and she said, because I didnt know then.!
----------
Now what is that for you? My freinds .
That incident helped us for many many many more, till today years later, she knew from then on how to get in tuned with herself. And to pinpoint things befire they escalate. So when I pick her up from a freind that she had to go to(I dont do it often at all) she would tell me if shes tured or not, and that she didnt want to go, she will not fight with anyone , she is so intuned its a bracha bh. When she would be in the middle of doing something, (she would say mommy. I really want to do it, im just having such a hard time because I feel that....and she would state what and we would solutionize.) In stead of her behaving improper because if triggers. We want A to equal A and B to be B.
And bh, thru allowing a child to accept something thats hard for them we can see wonders when dealt with it properly.
But first and foremost, let us mothers try to be there for our children emoitionally with out mixing in our lack of validation. Lets recharge, so we can be overflowing for our kids.
Kol tov!!

ectomorph

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 7:40 am

amother wrote:

This also sometimes I'll exaggerate what they want like" you want this candy you want so many candies you want all the candies in the store all the candies in the world"

And then they laugh because they see it's ridiculous and they feel validated that I heard what they wanted

I got this from how to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk

chicco

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 10:18 am

While I totally agree that children need to hear and respect 'no,' I would just add that it also depends on the circumstances. Sometimes children are put in a position where saying no is really too much. Like when you're mother in law gave her sister a cup. Did she also bring something for your 4 year old? If so, you should be able to say, "Bubby brought you a gift that is good for you and something that is good for Chani." However, if your in laws only brought something for your younger daughter, I think 4 years old is too young to expect her not feel left out.

There is a big difference with your daughter asking for candy and you saying no, versus taking her to the candy store to pick something up for someone else and telling her that she can't have any. Be gentle. Be aware of what you are really asking from your child.

Teach your kids how to handle a no, but also try to avoid putting them in a circumstance that they are not ready to handle.

salt

Mon, Feb 18 2019, 10:55 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Yeh I also always remember this technique from How to Talk..
I use it too.