What to expect from this bar mitzvah

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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section

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nachlaot

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 10:51 pm

hi, we're a young couple and relatively new BTs and got invited to a BM. we're at the age group where we're going to lots of weddings and brits, and we go to a young couples/families shul where there aren't BM-age kids. so we haven't really been invited to a frum BM before.

our friends sent us an invite to their son's BM. the invite says kiddush after davening. there isn't an rsvp card.

are we supposed to rsvp? is the kiddush likely going to be a sit-down lunch w/ motzei/washing and speeches etc.? or is this a quick 45 minute chat and eat cholent and people run off to lunch meals? just curious what to expect. and not sure whether to make lunch plans that day.

allthingsblue

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 10:52 pm

No rsvp. Kiddish after shul, 45 min. No sit down meal.

amother

Teal

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 11:00 pm

No need to RSVP- come for a while and then go home for lunch. In my community, people chip in for a bar mitzvah kiddush for a candy platter or flowers- some token in lieu of a gift. $10 is generally what is collected here. You may want to find out if this is done in your shul if you would like to participate

amother

Papaya

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 11:05 pm

There are many people in my community (in the midwest) that send an invite in the mail to basically everyone in the shul. I never consider it like a personal invite. We only give a gift/check if it's a close friend or if we attend a separate lunch/dinner/party

mha3484

Thu, Mar 14 2019, 11:15 pm

Also I find that if you daven at the minyan expect everything to go longer and make lunch plans accordingly.

nachlaot

Fri, Mar 15 2019, 2:51 am

thanks for the replies. to clarify, this isn't our shul. we're friends with the parents. so we really don't know what this shul is like.

now that it's just a little kiddush, I'm not sure what kind of gift is appropriate. I assumed this would be like a wedding where the custom is to give a nice check since they'd be spending a lot on us.

they apparently have family coming from around the country. is there a special get-together for family or for the boy's friends that we're likely not invited to?

Iymnok

Fri, Mar 15 2019, 3:07 am

Most likely. For a gift, give whatever you feel is appropriate for your relationship.

Raisin

Fri, Mar 15 2019, 5:56 am

They might be making a friday night dinner and lunch for the out of town guests and family. Also possibly a seuda on the day of the bar mitzva.

I think it is still nice to give a gift, but probably not as big as what you would give if you were invited to the seuda.

imasinger

Fri, Mar 15 2019, 6:57 am

If you consider them friends, it's nice to give a gift. Good choices might be: a check or gift card to Amazon or a local store the kid might appreciate. A stamp with his Hebrew name for sefarim. A sefer in Hebrew and/or English.

If you're traveling for this, it would be unusual for them not to invite you to meals. Maybe, if that's the case, call, text, or email, and tell them that you would like to share their simcha. They may have assumed you wouldn't make the trip, and would just send a note or small gift. And be thrilled you'll come.

If not, you can decide whether you still want to go.

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