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-> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
flmommy
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 Sun, May 05 2019, 8:57 pm
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Sounds like he needs a different school. Are you looking into other options?
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amother
Forestgreen
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Sun, May 05 2019, 9:52 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | This year has been the worst year ever for ds. He’s in 7th grade and completely stopped learning. His yiras shamayim is down the drain. He is defiant both at home and at school. He doesn’t care about mitzvohs or how he looks.
He’s gotten suspended too many times this year.
He has never made trouble in school before. He has definitely given us a hard time at home but he was controlling himself in school.
Now he is kicked out for something he did and cannot come back until he apologizes. He refuses to apologize.
On one hand I am so angry and frustrated with him. I feel like I can never smile at him again.
On the other hand, I’m wondering if I should give him a nice time. Take him out to lunch or some other fun place. Build him up and make him feel like I enjoy him.
But I’m torn. And I’m tired. There are obvious pros and cons to each approach I take.
Before everyone quickly recommends therapy, be aware that we are already going for help but it’s a slow process. |
I could have written this. Do both approaches. We finally tried medication and my DS is so much happier. Our relationship is better. He is much more confident.
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amother
Forestgreen
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Sun, May 05 2019, 9:56 pm
| flmommy wrote: | | Sounds like he needs a different school. Are you looking into other options? |
We did this too. I had so many reasons to hesitate and there were a lot of uncertainties, but BH, I trusted the frum psychiatrist and we made a switch. After, I saw how the old school rebbeim felt unfavorably about my DS.
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Optione
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Sun, May 05 2019, 9:59 pm
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I think that you should make the setting at home pleasant and comfortable so he'll open up top you about his side of the story without it being too much of a reward. Ex: buy a tub of ice cream and the two of you can eat it on the couch when no one else is home.
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leah233
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Sun, May 05 2019, 10:17 pm
You seem to have two related but different issues here
(1)he completely stopped learning. His yiras shamayim is down the drain. He is defiant both at home and at school. He doesn’t care about mitzvohs or how he looks.
(2) he is kicked out of school for something he did and cannot come back until he apologizes. He refuses to apologize.
(1)is a more general issue that you have more time to deal with (2)is not.
How you should react depends on the situation.Why is he refusing to apologize?
Does he have a semi legitimate reason from his point of view? Or is he just in a "no one is going to tell me what to do" mode? Do you feel your hands are tied because if you try to force him to apologize he won't apologize anyway and the situation will only escalate?
If the answer to those questions are no and then yes,yes then ask his therapist or some other person you trust how to go about it. If the answer to those questions are yes and then no,no then you should insist he apologize (with imediate consequences for not doing so )and deal with the underlying issue afterwards.
Wishing you much hatlzacha and nachas from him.
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amother
Chocolate
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Sun, May 05 2019, 10:37 pm
| amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote: | | I could have written this. Do both approaches. We finally tried medication and my DS is so much happier. Our relationship is better. He is much more confident. |
how would you know what medication to try? for ADHD or antidepressants?
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amother
Tangerine
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Sun, May 05 2019, 11:42 pm
| amother [ Chocolate ] wrote: | | how would you know what medication to try? for ADHD or antidepressants? |
You go to a TOP doctor and he/she figures out
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amother
Khaki
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Sun, May 05 2019, 11:45 pm
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Take him to a good psychiatrist!
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amother
Mauve
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Sun, May 05 2019, 11:59 pm
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I did not read the comments but what I can tell you is that my friend made uncomfortable to her son when he wad kicked out. Gave him the hardest chores. Next time he hung around the streetz and did not tell her.
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invisiblecircus
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Mon, May 06 2019, 6:34 am
| chicco wrote: | Your son never made trouble before this and now is at the point of suspension?
Did something happen that he started behaving so differently all of the sudden? |
From the OP it sounds as if he has been acting out at home but never got into trouble at school, and now the problem has escalated to him acting out at school too and eventually, doing something that got him suspended.
OP, what is his relationship like with the other boys in his class? With his teachers? With his siblings?
As others have said, I would give him a few days to cool off but get as much one on one time with him as you can. It doesn't have to be something he views as special like a lunch out, but maybe he could stay up later and talk to you, or go for a walk just the two of you. Don't ask him why he is behaving like this or why he did what he did to get suspended. Ask him what he likes most at school. Who he most likes spending time with. Who is his favourite teacher or what is his favourite subject. Start off with positive things and see how the conversation progresses.
Has he got any hobbies or outside interests?
He sounds as if he has got into a vicious cycle of negativity. He acts out like many boys of his age, he receives negative attention, he acts out more and he doesn't know how to break the cycle. Don't stop being warm and loving to him.
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merelyme
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Mon, May 06 2019, 9:57 am
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Please be kind to him, and to yourself.
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amother
Wheat
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Mon, May 06 2019, 10:42 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | This year has been the worst year ever for ds. He’s in 7th grade and completely stopped learning. His yiras shamayim is down the drain. He is defiant both at home and at school. He doesn’t care about mitzvohs or how he looks.
He’s gotten suspended too many times this year.
He has never made trouble in school before. He has definitely given us a hard time at home but he was controlling himself in school.
Now he is kicked out for something he did and cannot come back until he apologizes. He refuses to apologize.
On one hand I am so angry and frustrated with him. I feel like I can never smile at him again.
On the other hand, I’m wondering if I should give him a nice time. Take him out to lunch or some other fun place. Build him up and make him feel like I enjoy him.
But I’m torn. And I’m tired. There are obvious pros and cons to each approach I take.
Before everyone quickly recommends therapy, be aware that we are already going for help but it’s a slow process. |
What jumps out at me is most of your post is focused on his ruchnius, and almost nothing about his gashmius and happiness, until the end, and even then, you're unsure whether it should be addressed. If your son senses that you place ruchnius and how he appears to the community above his basic physiological and emotional needs, he's going to test you to see if your love and acceptance of him is conditional.
My BT parents were like this. They thought that being frum could replace basic emotional needs that every child requires. They weren't bad people, they just didn't know what it was like to grow up frum. Their love for us was conditional on our level of frumkeit. And they had problems with a lot of their children because of that. I have no idea if you're like this or not, but throwing out my perspective in case it's helpful.
Without knowing what your child did it's hard to comment. Some schools are unreasonable. Some schools are great. I don't know which school your child goes to. If he's been going to the same therapist for a while, has there been any improvement in anything? If not, maybe it's time for a new therapist (obviously licensed).
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Forrealx
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Mon, May 06 2019, 11:54 am
| amother [ Wheat ] wrote: | What jumps out at me is most of your post is focused on his ruchnius, and almost nothing about his gashmius and happiness, until the end, and even then, you're unsure whether it should be addressed. If your son senses that you place ruchnius and how he appears to the community above his basic physiological and emotional needs, he's going to test you to see if your love and acceptance of him is conditional.
My BT parents were like this. They thought that being frum could replace basic emotional needs that every child requires. They weren't bad people, they just didn't know what it was like to grow up frum. Their love for us was conditional on our level of frumkeit. And they had problems with a lot of their children because of that. I have no idea if you're like this or not, but throwing out my perspective in case it's helpful.
Without knowing what your child did it's hard to comment. Some schools are unreasonable. Some schools are great. I don't know which school your child goes to. If he's been going to the same therapist for a while, has there been any improvement in anything? If not, maybe it's time for a new therapist (obviously licensed). |
This is exactly how my DH youth went. Although most of the children remained frum, they did not remain the chareidi lifestyle (only two did) as teens they were really oud of control and rebellious. My DH went to yeshivot to please his parents but did not like it. OP, I'm sure you are a good mother who wants to best for her son, but a teen is looking for his/her own idenity that contains his religious idenity too. If he is not free in that he would be rebellious. Sit down with him and talk, be a listener.
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