What’s preferable

amother

Vermilion

Mon, May 20 2019, 11:43 am

I agree with most posters: cut out what you can, get what benefits you are eligible for. I resisted going on food stamps for a long time, but it's a breath of fresh air. It's dignified, it gives me choice, and I can buy food without feeling I'm taking away from rent money.

DO NOT go into debt if you can avoid it. Btdt. Unless its very short term, you have no other options, and there's no interest. It is very very difficult to pay back debt. Your income is the same. But now you have to pay double.

Brainstorm with your husband about what you can cut out. I was surprised by some of his ideas that really worked.

amother

Mon, May 20 2019, 11:59 am

dankbar wrote:

For everyone something else necessity & something else is luxury.
Some people can't live without cleaning help. Some people can't walk long lengths.
Everyone was different circumstances.

Exactly. This is why I am so confused and feel so guilty. I work and have little kids. Walking home would either be with a few kids or I would have to pay extra for babysitter. I actually do get a ride to work most days, so it wouldn’t even add up to so much money. Taxis cost 5$ around here.
Or cleaning help. I am really trying hard to juggle it all, and dh works such long hours that he is only home 8 hours a day—that includes supper and sleep time. So I can’t ask him to help. So like this past month I only took cleaning help once for 60$ and I felt like it was a necessity.
But I feel so guilty. I don’t spend extra. I don’t do laser or even wax lately, all our clothes are old or secondhand, and I really try my best. But I feel like maybe I could do more. Maybe I shouldn’t be using plastic dishes. Maybe I shouldn’t buy cheese, even though it’s one of the only foods we like. None of these expenses are much on their own, but together they would make a difference. Maybe I should cut every single corner possible and run myself ragged before resorting to something like tomchei shabbos.

I don’t know. I feel guilty but I don’t think I could handle cutting out more things.

southernbubby

Mon, May 20 2019, 12:42 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I like to economize and found that the Food Fair coupons are a good deal if you live near Food Fair and the Walgreens across the street has good deals if you sign up for their deals. Is there anyone who can give you a ride. I go to those stores, do you live in my area?
It looks like most of my neighbors have groceries delivered and take taxis to get to the stores which means that they can't shop around for the best prices.

You should eat cheese because you need calcium.

dankbar

Mon, May 20 2019, 12:50 pm

Metukah wrote:

I really don't agree with the bolded above. The grocer is not in the business of money lending, the grocery is his parnassah, its not right to buy on account with no concrete payment plan.

I was not at all talking about buying on account. I was responding to OP who was afraid if she takes food from tomchei shabbos, how will her grocer have parnassah if she won't but food in grocery anymore. I was trying to tell her that even if she takes food from tomchei shabbos it still won't cover all her food needs & will still need to buy food in the grocery, so no worries about not supporting her grocer. Her finances come before the grocers. It should not be a reason to deter her from taking the help she needs, because she us worried that the grocer won't have parnassah. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, May 20 2019, 1:00 pm

Certainly it's preferable to take first from those meant to help out- food stamps, tomchei shabbos and kosher food banks.

I think it's worth evaluating what's necessary and what's not. For example, someone wrote that you should keep eating cheese because you need calcium. While I agree that calcium is important, chalav yisrael cheese is probably the most expensive way to get it. You can get even more calcium per serving by eating sardines, plus lots of other nutritional benefits. And it's not as pricy as cheese. Just an example. Try to be creative about meeting all of your family's needs in a frugal way that's still manageable to you.

southernbubby

Mon, May 20 2019, 1:10 pm

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

She said that it was the food that they liked the most. Sardines canned with bones are the ones with the calcium but the question is whether or not the kids will eat it.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, May 20 2019, 1:17 pm

southernbubby wrote:

She said that it was the food that they liked the most. Sardines canned with bones are the ones with the calcium but the question is whether or not the kids will eat it.

That was my point- the food they're eating the most of is extremely expensive. Each person can take her family's needs into account when choosing frugal substitutes for higher priced items. Sardines was an example, by far not the only option. When we're tight on money I don't buy cheese and BH manage to feed my family well with a variety of other foods that they enjoy.

ShishKabob

Mon, May 20 2019, 1:20 pm

OP, I really think that you should take the time to learn shaar habitachon. I may get tomatoes in my face for this but I will still say it. It won't cost you a dime and it could help you a ton, actually help you in the physical sense in the physical world that we live in.
I think that if you are really putting in all effort and trying your best, I don't think you should run yourself into a shmatte.
Granted you can cut back a bit on the disposable paper goods, try writing each kids name with a marker on a cup and use it for as long as you're able to. You should decide for yourself which days are easier for you to handle dishes or not.
I don't think you should cut back on cleaning help. It's not like you have a ton of hours each month. Your sanity also is worth something, it's not worth something. It's worth everything!
I would definitely recommend food stamps if you are eligible. That should free up some of your resources considerably and hopefully you will feel less choked with the other stuff.
Wishing you lots and lots of haztlocha and brocha and lots of nachas!

Metukah

Mon, May 20 2019, 4:38 pm

dankbar wrote:

Oops sorry. I didn't understand that. To me it seemed that op was saying that it wasn't fair to the grocer to buy on account.

FranticFrummie

Tue, May 21 2019, 12:00 pm

Check into non Jewish food banks. There are often many things there with a good heksher, you just have to look for them. I used to have a schedule of which banks were open on which days, and I'd make the rounds every week.

The Jewish Family Services had a kosher food bank in my area, which was fabulous.

See if you can make a deal with a local greengrocer to buy any slightly bruised or perfectly ripe fruits and veggies that will go bad within 24 hours. You can get a good discount that way. Usually mom and pop stores will work with you, but big chains won't.

Many stores have "day old" racks for bakery items that are about to expire, and IMHO they taste exactly as good as the "fresh" ones, but at half price.

If there is public transportation anywhere around you, you can compromise and walk the extra 10 or 15 minutes to get to a bus stop or train if it will be cheaper than a taxi.

I don't know how old your kids are, or if they already have chores, but you could probably enlist them in helping out in exchange for a candy or treat from the dollar store.

If you daven with your kids, make sure to thank Hashem for everything you DO have, and list it. Thank you for our house, for our warm blankets, for dinner every tonight, for Tatty, for Ima, for all of our friends, etc. This will create a feeling of security and gratitude in the home, and you will all feel less deprived when you focus on your blessings.

amother

Thu, May 30 2019, 12:43 pm

I am crying so hard now.
I finally took the guts and called tomchei shabbos and they said they can’t help. They asked me if my cabinet is empty, and I told them that not because I ordered food and put it on grocery account (I had been waiting for them to call, but once I ran out of food I had order even if it means going into debt) anyway and I said I hope to get food stamps soon so it’s only temporary and they said they don’t do temporary because it means I am not really desperate.
Just because I don’t want to sign up for tomchei shabbos forever I now have no idea how I am going to buy food for the next month. I am so hurt. I hope the grocery will continue letting me put it on credit.
Please don’t offer me money or anything. It will make me feel even more icky. I hate being poor. I just need support now.

amother

Thu, May 30 2019, 1:19 pm

Here's the thing. On one hand I feel like it's my fault, if I didn't buy cheese or whatever the bill would be lower. But honestly we have such a huge hole in our budget it wouldn't make a world of difference if we stopped usig disposables or whatever.
Like one poster suggested eating sardines instead of cheese. Besides for the fact that my kids would never touch it, a can of sardines is 2$, which is one portion. A pack of cheese is 6$, but has much more than 3 portions.
Ugh I just feel so guilty like if only I scrimped more I wouldn't be this pathetic lady posting on imamother, but I can't see how I can pratically do it without losing my sanity.

JoyInTheMorning

Thu, May 30 2019, 3:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

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I am now so upset about every dollar that I ever gave Tomchei Shabbos. They don't do temporary because it means you're not really desperate? Oh my goodness. It's a much higher level of tzedakah to give to people to prevent them from becoming desperate! What Tomchei Shabbos said is just so awful. And what does this sort of conversation accomplish? It just teaches people to lie when they call Tomchei Shabbos. I'm appalled.

I hope you have applied for SNAP (food stamps). If not apply today.

I don't have much to say about specific examples of cost saving. Overall, milk is a much cheaper source of calcium than cheese. (You can buy a gallon of non-Cholov Yisroel milk
for $3 or $4. It has 16 servings, so a serving of calcium (and protein! and Vitamin D!) is twenty-five cents. A serving of cheese is more like a dollar.) I personally would give up cleaning help but still take the bus/subway to work. I don't agree with Raisin's advice in that regard: Walking for an hour before work when you wind up in your own house is entirely different from walking to work with your briefcase or purse and possibly laptop, and having to start work when you are all windblown and sweaty. Also, I personally would find it easy to give up waxing and lasering because I've never had those done to me. (I avoid pain.)

But everyone has things that they can and cannot give up, and you are adult enough to figure out what you can and cannot give up. The idea is not to give up your dignity. The idea is to get help in the short term and figure out how to fix things in the long term.

How long is the short term? You mentioned previously that you were in school. When do you graduate and when do you think you can get a higher-paying job? Would it help to figure out how long this hard time will last?