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Forum
-> Yom Tov / Holidays
-> Rosh Hashana-Yom Kippur
amother
OP
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Thu, Oct 10 2019, 4:04 pm
For those of you who are divorced, what did/do you do about asking mechila from your ex before Yom Kippur? Obviously divorce can be acrimonious, and especially if kids are involved. DH went through a nasty divorce many years ago, and said that his Rav told him on the first Yom Kippur afterward not to ask mechila. I may be misquoting, maybe it was that there's no point to ask, or it's a waste of time because she's still angry and resentful.
It's now many years later, and I know that she certainly causes DH tons of pain every year in fighting about the kids, yet she never asked him for mechila either.
Considering how careful we are to ask mechila from people we're close to and try not to hurt, I'm just wondering how other people have handled this topic with people who certainly have hurt us and if we're being honest have likely been hurt by us as well.
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amother
cornflower
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Thu, Oct 10 2019, 4:06 pm
As someone in the middle of getting divorced- I asked mechila from my soon to be ex MIL.
I did not ask mechila from my soon to be ex. I have nothing to ask him mechila for. He hasn’t asked me either and he plenty to ask for .
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amother
Papaya
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Thu, Oct 10 2019, 4:13 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | For those of you who are divorced, what did/do you do about asking mechila from your ex before Yom Kippur? Obviously divorce can be acrimonious, and especially if kids are involved. DH went through a nasty divorce many years ago, and said that his Rav told him on the first Yom Kippur afterward not to ask mechila. I may be misquoting, maybe it was that there's no point to ask, or it's a waste of time because she's still angry and resentful.
It's now many years later, and I know that she certainly causes DH tons of pain every year in fighting about the kids, yet she never asked him for mechila either.
Considering how careful we are to ask mechila from people we're close to and try not to hurt, I'm just wondering how other people have handled this topic with people who certainly have hurt us and if we're being honest have likely been hurt by us as well. |
I asked mechila from my ex the day we got divorced. He gave me but afterwards he asked me and I told him I couldn’t yet give him. He hasn’t asked again, and honestly, I wouldn’t want to have to speak to him again.
I still can’t say I can give him yet but I hope I can one day.
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amother
Ecru
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Thu, Oct 10 2019, 4:20 pm
It should be asked at Beis Din during get. Not a good idea to dig things up later.
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amother
Natural
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Thu, Oct 10 2019, 4:24 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | For those of you who are divorced, what did/do you do about asking mechila from your ex before Yom Kippur? Obviously divorce can be acrimonious, and especially if kids are involved. DH went through a nasty divorce many years ago, and said that his Rav told him on the first Yom Kippur afterward not to ask mechila. I may be misquoting, maybe it was that there's no point to ask, or it's a waste of time because she's still angry and resentful.
It's now many years later, and I know that she certainly causes DH tons of pain every year in fighting about the kids, yet she never asked him for mechila either.
Considering how careful we are to ask mechila from people we're close to and try not to hurt, I'm just wondering how other people have handled this topic with people who certainly have hurt us and if we're being honest have likely been hurt by us as well. |
I went through a bitter divorce, I got up the nerve to ask him for mechila before one YK, he refused, I asked him 2 more times, and he cursed me about whether even Gd would forgive me. I asked a rov who said not only was he supppsed to forgive me but he also should’ve asked me for forgiveness. So once you ask 3 times, that’s it.
It’s interesting that when we were first married we were having trouble conceiving and he had to ask mechila from his ex fiancé.
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amother
Firebrick
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Thu, Oct 10 2019, 4:37 pm
I think you ask when you get the get. Afterwards don't do asking worth asking mechillah for. Recently my ex has been really aweful and I was thinking what is he thinking when klops al cheit. And I let go of my anger towards him because he doesn't know better and because we all have one neshama.
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seeker
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Thu, Oct 10 2019, 5:00 pm
Pretty sure you're not required to ask mechila if the experience is likely to be retraumatizing.
So, nope nope nope nope from me.
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amother
Seagreen
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Thu, Oct 10 2019, 5:06 pm
I would leave this question to the exes to be answered in accordance with their respective rovs
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FranticFrummie
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Thu, Oct 10 2019, 6:26 pm
I seriously thought about it for a long time.
1. Do I really mean it? Deep down, I'm not at that place yet. Maybe with time.
2. I'm trying to stay "no contact".
3. I think it would just get him all aggravated and argumentative. I don't want to start up another fight with him.
I hope that someday I can ask, truly mean it, and get things cleared up, but it's just too soon for me.
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amother
Green
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Thu, Oct 10 2019, 6:37 pm
seeker wrote: | Pretty sure you're not required to ask mechila if the experience is likely to be retraumatizing.
So, nope nope nope nope from me. |
This is a great explanation of the answer I received when I asked if I should ask my stbx. NO. HE WILL TAKE YOU DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE AGAIN.
may we all find healing
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amother
Green
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Thu, Oct 10 2019, 6:39 pm
FranticFrummie wrote: | I seriously thought about it for a long time.
1. Do I really mean it? Deep down, I'm not at that place yet. Maybe with time.
2. I'm trying to stay "no contact".
3. I think it would just get him all aggravated and argumentative. I don't want to start up another fight with him.
I hope that someday I can ask, truly mean it, and get things cleared up, but it's just too soon for me. |
And the same for me with all your points.
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