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-> Parenting our children
amother
OP
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Thu, Nov 21 2019, 4:26 am
Girls ages 12-15 dealing with the death of a close relative. Sick for a while but my kids only learned the severity of the situation very recently. I want them to know she's in a better place from the Torah perspective and what they can do to ease their pain.
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seeker
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Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:20 am
Empathy will mean a lot more than speeches. Better they should know it's ok to feel the pain rather than being told she's in a better place which makes it feel like they shouldn't mind so much.
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PinkFridge
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Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:26 am
amother [ OP ] wrote: | Girls ages 12-15 dealing with the death of a close relative. Sick for a while but my kids only learned the severity of the situation very recently. I want them to know she's in a better place from the Torah perspective and what they can do to ease their pain. |
I'm sorry for your loss.
What are you doing to ease your pain?
I was going to hit send, but I'll share something first. Besides the loss, and missing the relative, and wondering why the relative had to suffer, when I was in a similar situation, my davening suffered. BH I.. bounced back, for want of a better term, but Tehillim and I had an uneasy relationship. I don't know why just Tehillim and not tefilla in general but that was the way it was.
Many years later, the better part of 20 years later, I heard a speaker talk about how no tefilla is wasted. I later heard a shiur by Rabbi Menachem Nissel called Understanding Unanswered Prayers distilled. I think it might be worth tracking it down and listening to it.
Of course, this is all dovetails with why do bad things happen to good people. I highly recommend Rabbi Yitzchak Kirzner's sefer called Making Sense of Suffering. I think it would be appropriate for a 15 year old. There are probably also shiurim of Rabbi Kirzner's online, and probably the titles will be pretty on target for what you're looking for.
And there's a book, The Neshama Should Have an Aliya, which as I understand gives good ideas for what one can do for the neshama. One of the best things I heard was, look at the good qualities of the niftar/nifteres. There's now a void in the world. Maybe, collectively, we can fill it.
I hope this is helpful.
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renslet
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Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:37 am
Encourage them to talk about the niftar. There's a very therapeutic aspect to Shiva and the focus on talking about the niftar. Let them grieve, cry, talk about him/her. Answer any questions that they have. If a discussion comes up about if they are in a better place then address it but I would lead them to express grief but let them set the pace.
Google helping your child/Teenager through grief, you should get lots of good ideas.
I believe once their grief is being dealt with, you can start adding a Jewish component but otherwise grief is a process that needs to be worked through.
Also regrief is a real thing, there will be times (yartzeit or a happy event) when they will be sad again. It's completely normal
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Ruchel
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Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:47 am
Hell, even me I didn't want a speech and would have left the room. Please DISCUSS. Let her talk. Shiva wise, depending on maturity and on atmosphere, may be a good idea to let her go to her room. You may find the teens to be much finer than us, though, because it's all a further perspective
Source: sadly, ours
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polka dots
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Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:51 am
Some pointers that I think, I’m no professional, but unfortunately familiar with loss:
Tell them that it is ok to be sad. There is a time and place for everything and now is a time to mourn.
When Hashem takes a neshama He doesn’t only have in mind that it is best for the nifter but he takes into account the pain of every person that will be effected!
Maybe put together something concret to remember her by. A booklet where everyone submits a nice memory and then everyone can receive a copy. Don’t force anyone to write a memoir, for some it is too painful and some people think that it is too hard to sum up a person in an article. Others find healing in doing a concrete act.
Do something together lilu nishmas. Have them come up with ideas so it should be meaningful to them.
DON’T tell them that Hashem chose the most beautiful flower to have in His garden.DONT tell them that because she did so many mitzvah she finished her task on this world.
It makes it seem like a punishment for those that are good. We really really don’t know why Hashem makes such sad things happen.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:19 pm
Some of the advice here made me tear up. Thank you, PF, for asking about me. I'm holding up as well as can be. Of course we discuss it a lot but there are some very good points here from posters that have been through it and I appreciate that you took the time to post.
One of my kids asked me something interesting today. Many people are telling her that the person that was niftar is really with us in spirit and looking down on her from shamayim. She's uncomfortable taking a shower and feels creeped out. What would you say? I can still revisit the issue so I'd like to hear what people think I should say.
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amother
Pink
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Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | Some of the advice here made me tear up. Thank you, PF, for asking about me. I'm holding up as well as can be. Of course we discuss it a lot but there are some very good points here from posters that have been through it and I appreciate that you took the time to post.
One of my kids asked me something interesting today. Many people are telling her that the person that was niftar is really with us in spirit and looking down on her from shamayim. She's uncomfortable taking a shower and feels creeped out. What would you say? I can still revisit the issue so I'd like to hear what people think I should say. |
Say that's not true, she's not watching you in the shower. But her/his neshama gets nachas when we do mitzvos, etc. And he/she loved your children and would be so proud of them if she were still alive.
I'm so sorry OP it's tough
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