I prefer cash, no matter the amount!

amother

Pumpkin

Fri, Dec 20 2019, 3:04 pm

watergirl wrote:

One year I worked at a camp and the whole tipping thing was very mandatory (dont get me started). I got a beautiful card and three scratch off tickets with a note - I wish I could give you more, I hope you win! Something along those lines. It was so meaningful. The same year, another mother had me stand there while she wrote out a check for me and sighed as she handed it over. I tried to stop her a few times... she clearly was struggling to give it. I would rather what people can afford to give with a full heart than anything else.

For chanukah, my kids rebbes get $18 and a nice letter. The school does a group cash gift for the secular teachers. I hope none of the rebbes look too far down on the heartfelt $18 we can give them.

Can't believe someone would do that!! Not nice!
Don't give anything if it's that hard!

dancingqueen

Fri, Dec 20 2019, 3:38 pm

Registries are fantastic. That way you know you are getting the couple something they need, and not the 100th person to give them a blender or something.

Of course, a check is always good too, except for I guess people like Ruchel. 🤷‍♀️

amother

Periwinkle

Fri, Dec 20 2019, 3:43 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

People can just as easily complain that Mr. and Mrs. so and so only gave a $136 check as opposed to $200. The same personality - nothing to do with the registry.

If you don't do registries, and you don't want people to know what you spend - what do you? Homemade gifts?

No call to mock my valid opinion. I get something that I think is pretty/useful and that they will enjoy. Often something from the local silver and china Judaica store (I.e. nice item for shabbos table). I'm not trying to be cheap.
I just have seen that filling out that list somehow sets up this subconscious expectation that all of those items will be bought for you. Whether for a wedding or baby gift.
I'm glad to hear the practice of planning to return expensive items for money has died out mostly. Back in the day-- 15-20 years ago--these people would, say, register for a toaster or blender or even very nice linem from Macy's then plan to return it and buy a cheap one from Target. I guess they hadn't considered the halachic angle and if the tackiness issue was brought up they got very defensive and annoyed.

amother

Lilac

Fri, Dec 20 2019, 3:54 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

I have had numerous debates with friends who disagree with me for probably close to 20 years lol. So I am not going to change my mind on this. I strongly feel when people start listing gifts they want and expect people to buy it sets up a subconscious feel of entitlement (I've had friends complain to me that nobody bought certain items on their registry --the more expensive ones-- as though this was a valid complaint to have instead of just plain bratty). Tacky is the kindest word I have for it.
And don't get me started on people who purposefully register for certain items at expensive stores planning to return those items in advance to use the money to buy the item at a cheaper store and make a "profit"

You seem to surround yourself with very strange people. Very Happy

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Dec 20 2019, 3:58 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

I’m not mocking you. If you are purchasing something from the local store, for a local wedding - assume people know what you spent (if they care to think about it),

Your opinion is what it is - but the sense of entitlement isn’t created by the registry. It’s not justification to call it tacky (your nicest word) especially since it’s a norm.

I’d say 95% of the weddings I’ve attended for my friends had registries. My friends aren’t entitled. It’s social expectation that you ‘gift’ the bride and groom - the registry process allows people to give a desired item.

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Dec 20 2019, 4:04 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

That's exactly the point. An "easy" gift says "I don't have time for you".

Most people don't have time for gift shopping. That's not 'time for a person' it's time for extra errands (and the time spent thinking about the gift).

amother

Periwinkle

Fri, Dec 20 2019, 4:14 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

You seem to surround yourself with very strange people. Very Happy

These were the girls I grew up with and went to the local Bais Yaakov. I won't mention the specific well known yeshivas their husbands picked up the practice from.
Obviously if people want to figure out how much I spent they can. (I do include the gift receipt.) But that's if they make an effort or decide to return. If they love it and keep it, then there's no thinking into the $ money that went into it.
I try to choose my gifts with thought and care so it is a good match.
Believe it or not my love language is giving gifts. So it's something I enjoy doing and don't begrudge the money I spend.

Amarante

Fri, Dec 20 2019, 4:26 pm

Raisin wrote:

I think a thoughtful gift (eg a really good food processor, an excellent garlic press, a very good quality set of knives of measuring cups, serving dishes you know are to the recepients taste,) with a gift receipt, is not a bad way to go for weddings.

I treasure the set of cutlery my great aunt gave me.

I agree that these kinds of gifts are wonderful. However, with a registry you know exactly which items they have selected and also whether the specific type of gift has been given. In my experience, the registries contain everything from relatively inexpensive (e.g. garlic press) to expensive - set of cookware or good knives.

In my experience registries exist for weddings principally and to a lesser extent for babies. These occasions generally involve setting up a household or otherwise needing a bunch of items at the same time (e.g. for a new baby). It makes much more sense to be able to actually fill a need with a functional object the people would have bought for themselves versus going out and buying a random tchotchke or serving piece.

The only reason I can see for not using a registry is if for some reason you don't want the recipient to know how much you spent.

And for those who feel that registries create "entitled" people, there is an expectation that people will gift for weddings or if they are invited to a baby shower. The people I know who used registries aren't particularly entitled but assume it is standard to gift.

amother

Lawngreen

Sat, Dec 21 2019, 12:15 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

These were the girls I grew up with and went to the local Bais Yaakov. I won't mention the specific well known yeshivas their husbands picked up the practice from.

Why not? It would be only fair to warn girls away from potential husbands with misaligned ethical compasses.

banana123

Sat, Dec 21 2019, 1:11 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

The only reply I have to this thread is, I take whatever I'm given and say thank you.
If I can't use it or don't like it, I give it away or even *gasp* throw it out.
But I have the unpopular opinion of disliking registries (have never and would never do one for myself) because I think it's tacky to specify gifts and I don't care to know how much people spent on me (or for others to know how much I spent on them).

10000% agree

banana123

Sat, Dec 21 2019, 1:21 pm

meyerlemon44 wrote:

You reminded me that I used to babysit for a family who kept cholov yisroel. The mother was a Hebrew school teacher at Chabad, and would get lots of cholov stam candy from her kids' parents--which all went to me!

We are Chabad and we don't gift food that we don't eat ourselves, unless it is our personal shtick.
So for chalav Yisrael stuff, we don't gift it to another Jew, we gift it to a non-Jew. If it's not good enough for us, it's not good enough for us to give to another Jew. We're no holier than anyone else. People can buy what they want of course, we just won't give what we won't eat, if there is a widely accepted reason for not eating it.

Ruchel

Sat, Dec 21 2019, 2:10 pm

meyerlemon44 wrote:

I understand feeling insulted if a very close person who can afford more gives you a small amount, but generally you should feel and show gratitude for every penny someone gives you.

Which is why I prefer a tiny gift - like 5 euros, to a weird sum
Or even nothing except a beautiful handmade card, but NOT 18 euro in a check or envelope

plus no need to be bwitchy for replying with an opinion

Raisin

Sat, Dec 21 2019, 3:32 pm

Ruchel wrote:

umm €18 is chai, so many frum (or even not so frum) people give gifts in multiples of chai. 18, 36, 72, 180, 360...

It's not a random amount.

I am kind of surprised you haven't come across this practice.

Batsheva1

Sat, Dec 21 2019, 6:53 pm

For wedding and bar/bat mitzvah cash is king. Especially a young married couple needs money the most to get started. For a bar mitzvah the boy can save it or get a few checks together and buy something he really wants instead of getting lots of small things. For a new baby, a small gift like a toy or outfit is fine. It really depends on the occasion. It is weird to give an $18 check for a bar mitzvah or wedding though- I would be embarrassed and for my own sake I wouldn't feel comfortable giving a check for such a small amount so I would probably give an item instead so the baalai simcha would not know exactly how much a paid. But preference wise I prefer money any day for a wedding or bar/bat mitzvah.