DD's Jewish speech therapist's mother died

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 5:41 am

She is not frum but has a strong Jewish identity and would know about shiva I'm sure. Should I ask her if she's sitting shiva? I don't want to insult her. If there is no shiva, is there something else I could do to comfort her? Give her a book? Are flowers inappropriate?

zaq

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 5:48 am

Frum people send food, not flowers. You can ask her if there will be a shiva—there may be an abbreviated one—or, better yet, ask one of her coworkers or boss. You could also contribute money in her mom’s memory to an org that will send her a card to let her know that you did this, or send $18 to Jewish National Fund to plant a tree in Israel in her mom’s memory. They will send a nice certificate.

imasinger

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 5:52 am

BD"E.

You can try googling the therapist. Since obituary notices usually contain the names of the children of the deceased, and funeral and shiva arrangements, it should come up.

Is she working, that you would see her to ask her about shiva? If she texted you that she's cancelling a session and here's why, I suppose you can respond saying if she's sitting, you'd like to pay your respects, and when. But really, it's best to look it up and not bother the poor woman at this time.

I'd suggest sending a condolence note, and possibly a donation in her mother's memory. (Again, suggested donation recipients are often on the obituary).

amother

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 8:45 am

I feel closer to her than just a condolence note. We sit and shmooze for a few minutes before and after the speech therapy and feel like she is sort of a friend even though we don't socialize outside of therapy. I hope it wouldn't be bothering her but it would seem awkward to resume the therapy and shmooze as usual if all I did was send a WhatsApp.

imasinger wrote:

I suppose you can respond saying if she's sitting, you'd like to pay your respects, and when. But really, it's best to look it up and not bother the poor woman at this time.

amother

Sienna

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:13 am

I just want to encourage you to offer condolences or make whatever gesture you want during the shiva time period if she is indeed taking off or in the immediate aftermath.

When she comes back to work and you see her, just offer I'm sorry for your loss and its good to see you and then get into routine.

When I lost my mother, it was hard to have people "do a shiva visit" when they met me at the grocery. It was just not the time or place and once I burst into tears. Keep it for the right time, not when its convenient for you cuz that when she shows up. It can be painful. It takes time to work through loss, even if you are back at work.

Not that you would do this, just an FYI that it can be difficult even if you have good intentions.

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