Feeling guilty- so hard on oldest

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 8:49 am

I have such absolute guilt. I am so hard on my oldest child and expect so much from him because he is well behaved bh. But I feel terrible that he gets yelled at or in trouble for things the littles can get away with.
He always makes an angry or sad face when this happends and in the moment I try to remember to be more lax and apologize but it's hard because I genuinely expect more of him.
He is close to 10 yrs old and im scared im ruining any relationship we have and he will resent me when he is older
I am trying but failing 😭
Chizzuk? Advice? I am torn with guilt

amother

Ruby

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 8:59 am

Do you remember being 15? 18? 21? And thinking you already knew EVERYTHING?! That no one knows more or better than you do? But really you knew very little about real life or much of anything else.
These kids 3-15, they talk so much, they come off like they know so much - which they do in a sense - but truthfully they are still children. They still have things to work on and figure out. They need guidance. A 10 year old has better impulse control, but not always, they are still discovering things. They still trying to figure out right vs wrong.
If you feel guilty, you're doing it wrong. Try and work on a different approach.

Trust me I'm far from perfect with my oldest 3 year old but knowing he ONLY comes off as smart and understanding cuz he talks a lot, doesnt actually mean he is smart and understanding (in terms of right and wrong) (of course my kid is smart! Smile

amother

Cyan

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 9:07 am

Good for you for being aware of this!
drop the guilt it does not help
try to stay in the present
and center yourself in a place of loving him
and act and speak from there (as much as possible)
tell him how much you love and appreciate him
show him
acknowledge he is the oldest and has more responsibilities as well as privileges and give him some more privileges/treats/positive reinforcements
try to correct by biting your tongue and don't say anything about the 'negatives" for a while to get things back in balance err on the side of noticing the positives and catch him being good
hatzlocha

FranticFrummie

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 9:09 am

Everything Cyan said should be printed out and taped to the refrigerator!

syrima

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 9:14 am

We can't tell you if you are expecting too much or not.
But yes part of being the oldest is you are expected to behave and know better than the younger ones.
It's important to also give special oldest privileges, like staying up later, getting alone time with a parent, getting to choose where to go Chol hamoed etc.
At 10 it's also a great age to increase independence by giving him something he is "in charge" of.
He has more cognitive ability, it should be put to constructive use rather than treating him as "one of the kids".

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