7 year old DS with a horrible attitude problem

amother

Thu, Feb 20 2020, 9:09 am

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or to vent..

My son is sometimes sweet and polite. But there are other times when he's just a bear, lashing out at everyone, taking every little thing personally, (I.e. if someone moves his stuff, he'll rant and rave on and on about how his brother did it on PURPOSE and NO ONE cares about his stuff, etc. etc.) It's so exhausting and honestly I feel like lately he's just sucking the joy out of all of us.

I'm trying to model calm speech for him, I'm trying to empathize; but it just bounces right off him. He'll continue his rant like I didn't say a word. He is constantly yelling at his younger brother or sister, or sometimes when he is really angry he'll hit or pinch. (I address those behaviors, but I feel like I'm not addressing the underlying issue of him constantly feeling like he has to hit and pinch, because he constantly feels attacked and victimized). I cannot relate to his personality at all, which obviously makes this harder for me. I am fairly easygoing, I don't get worked up over every small injustice. But dealing with him is like walking a loaded minefield. His moods are just so unpredictable, his temper so short, his reactions so visceral.

I should also mention that right now we are in a 2 bedroom apartment. We are house hunting because we have clearly outgrown this space but in the meantime, it's extra hard on him because he clearly needs and craves his own safe space which we can't really (physically) give him right now. So I'm sure that's not helping.

I'm at the end of my rope. Mornings with him are sometimes smooth, and sometimes a nightmare and there's no way to know which mood he'll wake up in. This morning he couldn't find clean pants, I had just done laundry and hadn't put it away yet. But instead of asking me for help finding clothes, he stormed through the house whining that he never has clothes, he can't ever get dressed, and so on. I told him that I am available to helping him find clothes, he just has to ask politely. Well guess how that went. It spiralled into an hour of tears and tantrums and he went to school crying which I hate but I really don't know where I went wrong.

In schools he is happy and pleasant, and is well liked by his teachers and classmates so this is just a home thing. I'm feeling like a horrible mother right now, because why is he happy in school but so miserable with me? (My husband works longer hours so for the most part it's me home with the kids after/before school)

Any ideas, or reassurances much appreciated. Feeling so very sad right now.

mha3484

Thu, Feb 20 2020, 1:00 pm

My oldest two kids are not easy. I have been there and I can give you a hug. Its hard! My 5 year old is more of an anxious child and is very temperamental.He has hit, thrown things, run out the front door you name it. He also does great in school and at home tests my patience constantly. For him my 9 year with adhd sets him off. Other parents will say that their kid holds it together at school and at home lets it all out on you. Its supposed to be reassuring that your his safe space but it does not feel that way lol.

I think with my kids what helps me the most is when I see their behavior through the lens of kids do well when they can. And if my kid is giving me a hard time he is having a hard time. I went to a parenting workshop at my kids school and two things that made an impression on me were:

1) that when a kid is disyregulated we should use the acronym HALT- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I started asking myself if my kid is any of these when he looses it and 99% of the time the answer is yes. If my kid wakes up and is really not in a good frame of mind ill feed him breakfast before we get dressed instead of insisting everyone gets dressed first. A lot of times towards the end of the day hes tired and cant express etc and really struggles to keep it together. Anger is harder but I am working with him on validating his feelings and allowing him to feel what he wants to feel while teaching him we cant take it out on others. Lonely he usually just wants company.

2) we have to provide differentiated discipline to our children who struggle with behavior just like we provide differentiated learning for a child with dyslexia.

I found for my kids that that reading the explosive child by ross greene had a really positive impact on our family. My kids school uses this method as well. You can also read a lot of the information about the method at www.livesinthebalance.org

I hope this helps!