Child hits you | Imamother

amother

Aubergine

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 5:00 am

you tell him calmly "we don't hit. Mommy's sad that you hit."

Happened to me yesterday. Then you walk away. When he wants something, you remind him that he hit and it made you sad. My 4-year-old answered, "I won't hit tomorrow!"

amother

Aubergine

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 5:45 am

I would have said just that another time, but I have taken an extraordinary parenting course where we learn to utilize the parent-child relationship to get results and strengthen the connection. That's where you add your feelings in, which connects an outcome to his behavior and teaches him to express his feelings as well. I can't tell you how amazingly successful this approach is.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 5:58 am

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

I agree with this. Sometimes saying "Ow, that hurt mommy" isn't enough. The child might laugh and say "Good!" "Making mommy sad" is a whole different level of communication.

It takes a long time for some kids to develop theory of mind. By naming emotions, you help your child realize that you also have feelings. Little kids really can't conceptualize what happens outside of their own reality. It has to be taught and modeled.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 7:23 am

“You look really sad. You are sad that mommy said no, and you really wanted that. You can’t hit. I don’t let hitting in this house. You can use your words and I can help you out. But no hitting ever again.”

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 7:24 am

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

Using your emotions as a reason for a child to do or not to do something is a recipe for codependency

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:06 am

Go to eye leve, hold hand/arm if still trying to hit, say sternly: don't hit.

Don't add "it makes mommy sad", this is emotional blackmail...

Anyway: it is quite normal that little children would do that, so don't worry about it, just tell them not to... Might have to be repeated... a look might be enough later on...

amother

Aubergine

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:07 am

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

Using your emotions as a reason for a child to do or not to do something is a recipe for codependency

No, it's not. Certainly children, and adults, need to take other peoples' feelings into account before they act. That's a Torah value.

You don't get angry or accuse. And you don't lecture, which nobody likes to hear. You just teach them that people have feelings and it's not ok to hurt them, and you role model expressing them. This creates a loving connection, and teaches them that there's responsibility for their actions.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:11 am

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

If you want to add your feelings, your true feeling would be "it hurts mommy" not "it makes mommy sad".

I can imagine that the "it makes mommy sad" works well with certain children for a certain time, but I would not recommend it all the same:

1) it makes the child sad that he can't have his cookie - so why should the child be sad, but not mommy?

2) it is emotional blackmail, it's not healthy...

3) more independent children do not respond to that from the beginning. In those where it works, it will wear off...

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:12 am

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

Yes they need to take other people feelings into account if they want to be healthy human beings. BUT they need to learn how to do that on their own. Mixing your own emotions into their behavior is confusing and emotional blackmail, as someone pointed out.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:13 am

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

The reason why the child should not hit is because it is forbidden. You said so. fullstop. Those are the rules.
Independently of any emotions.

It is not a good idea to bring emotions in.

It might work for some children for some time. But it is not good parenting.

I can imagine that saying "I'm sad" can help you to regulate your emotions from anger against the child to the more calm sadness... You definitely should regulate your emotions, you might even put on a bit of an act of sadness (a little bit tongue in cheek), but don't say "don't do it, it makes mommy sad".

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:18 am

OP, what’s the reason you said no?
Did he want to play with something dangerous?
Was it past bedtime and he wanted to watch a video?
Did he want sugar for supper?
What was it that you didn’t let? Can you explain it to him?
First validate, empathize, explain.
“You look really upset. You wanted marshmallows for supper. Marshmallows are so yummy, and I would also be upset if someone didn’t let me eat them. But I do not let hitting. Use your words instead.”

And explain that he needs to eat real food if he wants to be big and strong.

Zehava

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:19 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

You know what might work for some children some of the time but is not good parenting?
“Those are the rules. Full stop. Because I said so.”

Rappel

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:21 am

If the hitting continues, I hold the child's hand and explain that I can't release them until I'm sure they won't hit. "Hands are for helping, not hurting." Tantrum usually follows; I hold firmly but not painfully to the hand, and let them freak out. I watch them calmly, not my phone, and don't respond to goads - just "when you're ready to talk things out, tell me". If they hit or kick with another limb, I trap that one too. Once they calm down, explain back the lesson to me, and then say sorry for hitting me, then I release them and give them a hug.

I rarely have to repeat this process.

Note: if your child is loose jointed, or the kind of courageous/stubborn where they'd rather be severely punished than back down, then don't use this method. This is just to teach the average child through reasonable consequences. The situation shouldn't escalate.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:25 am

Zehava wrote:

You know what might work for some children some of the time but is not good parenting?
“Those are the rules. Full stop. Because I said so.”

Sorry, but not hitting is one of the ground rules in our society.

In this case, it applies: these are the rules! No hitting!
And even less hitting a parent!!!

Society says so.
The law says so.
The torah says so.
And I say so.

This is not a rule that is open to debate.

avrahamama

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:29 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

I made mommy sad a lot is a child/teen and even now as an adult. All I have left is guilt and not an actual relationship.

Please be careful not to let child feel that they are responsible for your emotions.

"You hit me. It hurts. I can see you are upset but I still don't know why because you didn't use your words. Do you want me to help you use your words?"

HakarasHatov

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:37 am

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

what course?