How involved should I get in my daughter’s social life?

amother

Tue, Oct 20 2020, 4:25 pm

I have a wonderful 11 year old daughter who BH has a nice amount of friends. She has a few very close friends in the neighborhood and another best friend whose class she used to be in. They get together often, talk on phone etc. She’s also close with some family friends and cousins of varying ages.

A few years ago we had to switch her school. We had no other choice and she very much wanted to switch. However she had a difficult time breaking in to the new class. The first year she didn’t really make friends. Last year we worked with the school social worker to help her and I got involved in trying to foster some friendships. School closed partway through the year and she kept up with a couple of girls. She also got invited to quite a few birthday parties. For the most part though she was in touch with her non school friends and relatives. Now that she’s in sixth grade, I’d say she has at least two good friends in her class. These are girls who call her, invite her etc. There are also other girls who seem to like her. The problem is she seems to have her eye on a specific group of girls in the class. They are very nice girls and I’m glad if she’s friends with them, but I don’t feel like it’s good for her to only want to be part of that group when it’s just not happening naturally. I think the girls like her, but maybe personality wise it’s just not happening. At one point last year I helped push a friendship with one of the girls, but as soon as I wasn’t involved it seems they had very little to do with each other. At this point I think it’s best for whatever friendships form naturally to take center stage. She asks me who she should invite and I list the girls she is friends with who’ve invited her and she basically wants me to list the girls in that group. I also told her that she’s in sixth grade and has to make play dates on her own. I don’t think I should be calling the parents. If she didn’t have any friends at all it might be a different story, but I just don’t feel like it’s healthy for her to be so hung up on wanting to be friends with these other girls if it’s just not happening.

Am I handling this incorrectly? Any advice?

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Oct 20 2020, 4:32 pm

I agree with you that if your daughter has friends you shouldn't get involved in trying to push other friendships. I teach my 10 year old daughter that you want to be friends with people who want to be friends with you. I'll point out if I feel like she's being treated as a back up friend...

I've reached out to a mother to ask if my daughter should stop reaching out to her daughter- like my daughter doesn't want to be annoying if your daughter doesn't want to be friends. but she said no her daughter is just very busy so if my daughter wants a playdate she has to call earlier so that's what my daughter did but no I don't arrange playdates etc.. .at this age.

amother

Pink

Tue, Oct 20 2020, 6:13 pm

I've been there. I'm so sorry, it's painful!
I worked very hard not to let it get so personal for me. Decided even if she's going to get hurt from these kids I realize I can't control it or protect her from that. She needs to be able to live life and figure it out on her own even if I know that it will cause pain. Better now on a small scale, then for her to c"v always still have the need to go after the unhealthy people.
I would listen when she'd talk about the other kids. Really listen and try to hear what she was saying and empathize with words.. When she asked who to invite I'd put a smile in my voice and try to be easy and say whomever you want to invite I'm happy to have over. The ones who didn't want to come didn't end up coming and when she really wanted someone she'd end up inviting the one who she knew would come. Things ironed out at the end.
Just talk yourself through it. She's OK. The worse that can happen is that someone says no to her. She'll be able to manage.

yksraya

Tue, Oct 20 2020, 6:19 pm

It's very painful when they struggle with friendships. It is very normal for pre-teens/teens to go through a stage where they want to be friends with a specific girl or group by they don't seem to want that too. I find tho, that meddling can make things worse. Let your kid find her own solution to the problem. It will help her with problem solving later in life. Do daven for her to find chein in the eyes of her peers.

If there is ever any bullying or manipulation, or very bad influence (like smoking or drugs etc) then you should deffinitely step in.