Would you tell your mother that she's dieing?

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amother

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 12:00 pm

Her cancer is beyond treatment, and she'd probably just cry if we told her. It's not like we want her input in reference to treatment.

Ruchel

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 12:03 pm

The question is, would she want to know to take advantage of every moment, or would it just depress her, possibly accelerate the process, and spoils the end of her life?
You're the one who knows best.

(((((((((((((((((amother))))))))))))))))))))))))

louche

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 12:20 pm

If you don't tell her, you're denying her a golden opportunity to do teshuvah--as well as to cherish every moment, as Ruchel says.

greenfire

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 12:24 pm

how can she not know?!?!?! Hashem controls her life - you should tell her - her life is hers not yours!!!

gigi

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 12:29 pm

I don't know if u are lubavitch,
but I will tell you what the lubavither Rebbe said,
"
The doctor has been licensed from above to heal, not to make predictions.
Ignore the predictions, and think only good thoughts."

that being said.. I might let her know that the doctors say there is nothing more they can do. but Hashem is the true healer ..

Barbara

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 12:32 pm

My deepest sympathies to your mother and your entire family, amother.

Is your mother mentally competent? If so, unless she has made clear to you that she does not want to know, then yes, she is entitled to this information. It will be difficult for you to tell her, and it will be difficult for her to hear. Still, there are so many things that she might want to do given this information. Tshuva is obvious, but that may include the closure of contacting and saying goodbye to old friends and people with whom she has lost touch. There may be information or stories that she wishes to share with you She may make different decisions regarding medical treatment. Funeral planning. A million other things.

Pickle Lady

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 1:10 pm

I can't tell you what to do amother but I will tell you what happened with my mother. When my mother diagonsed she was told she was terminal meaing they weren't giving her much of a chance of living beyond 6 months. She kept telling her "we are focusing on making you comfortable" meaning they didn't see a chance of living much longer and were only focusing on her pain meds. We kept trying to get her into clincal trials but she was not a canidate since she was too far advanced. When my mother was a few weeks from passing away we tried one last time to get her into anther clincal trial. The doctors came in and said the same thing they always said "we are going to focus on making sure you are comfortable". My mother burst out in tears. Its one thing that she knew she was going to pass away but it was another to think that the doctors had given up. We didn't let my mother die thinking that we her family gave up. The day before she passed away we told her that the doctors wer going to try another medicine to see if it helps her. I am happy that my mother died thinking there was still hope.

MahPitom

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 4:30 pm

This is not your decision to make. a relative of mine did the opposite, she knew she was beyond treatment and she didn’t tell a soul until she crashed on the couch and died over a long Shabbos. It was her choice though. if you were given privilege information (and I highly doubt that you were told and not your mother so I half believe your post) then you owe it to humanity to ask a Rav about how to proceed.

southernbubby

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 4:33 pm

We did not tell my father. As time went on it appears that he figured it out but was so sick at that point that I think he accepted it.

DefyGravity

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 4:34 pm

I really think it depends on the circumstances. I would steer more towards telling the person, but it really depends on many factors.

Mimisinger

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 4:42 pm

I would tell. It would be the hardest thing in the world, but my mother and I base our relationship on openness and honesty.

She'd want to know ch"v

southernbubby

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 4:49 pm

My father (may he rest in peace) could not handle the news that he had cancer and was put on medication to help him handle the anxiety. We could see that he would not be able to hear that it was incurable.

Pickle Lady

Wed, Jan 23 2008, 4:56 pm

gigi wrote:

I think this is something to remember. We think that doctors know alot but when it comes to cancer they know alot less than you think. Cancer is fickle and it can be unpredictable.

I think its hard to understand this situation unless you have been there. I have been there when it comes to telling my mother that she is dying. You think you are doing them a favor by not lying but you really are not. In a way its like you are telling them that there is no hope and there always is a hope. I am so happy that my mother died with hope, she deserved it. We didn't need to tell her what she already knew inside. Let her die with dignity especially if its close to the end.

MyKidsRQte

Fri, Jan 25 2008, 12:00 am

Please do not tell her. What she does not know will not hurt her (more). Her knowing will only make her depressed

Chani

Fri, Jan 25 2008, 7:25 am

I strongly feel that if she's competent then she should be told. There are things she might want to do with her remaining life.

If I were in that position and found out my family had withheld information from me, I'd be furious. And then I'd spend my remaining time suing the pants off the doctor for giving them my medical information! Just kidding. Sort of.

Chani

Fri, Jan 25 2008, 7:27 am

Oh BTW, we have been faced with this situation before personally. We told the person. The person took it far better than we were.

freidasima

Thu, Jan 31 2008, 3:15 pm

When my father had incurable cancer we didn't tell him. My parents are of the generation that you didnt say "the word". We called it "an obstruction". I remember during the time he was dying learning the dinnim of dying and care of the dying and aveilus as no one teaches you that before you have to know. And one of the dinnim is that you should tell someone to say vidui saying to them just the opposite: "it doesn't mean you are dying, there are people who die without vidui and people who say vidui and continue to live for many years"...

So we didn't say anything to him but as he got sicker he understood. No one talked about it. One day, a few days before he died, when my mother wasn't there, he turned to me and said "how much longer?", he was really suffering, this was all at home, we had home hospice care and my mother and I being the youngest took care of him all by ourselves. And I said "not too much longer Daddy" to which he answered "Gott Sei Dank" (thank G-d, in Yiddish). That was the closest we ever got to saying something to him, but had he not asked I would never have said anything.

Everyone deserves hope. If there are small children to make provisions for, a wife or husband who need provisions, legalities like a will that isn't made, that's one thing. But we should all take care of these things in advance.

HindaRochel

Thu, Jan 31 2008, 3:45 pm

Hugs to everyone... I'm sorry you are and your family is facing this. May Hashem bring your mother a refuah...He is the ultimate doctor and ultimate decider of everyones fate.

I don't think there is any one right answer. Will telling your mother make her more despondent? Will it give her a sense of peace and allow her to prepare for Olem HaBah?

I do think most people know on some level or another, but I also agree with Gigi and think what the Lubavitch Rebbe said was perfect.

Quote:

" The doctor has been licensed from above to heal, not to make predictions.
Ignore the predictions, and think only good thoughts."

I wouldn't say "You are dying" but..."the current treatment plan isn't working and there isn't any other ideas right now. What do you want to do? How do you want to proceede?"

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